Why Your Haters Make You Money

0:00how often this misconception reality causes people to get fooled and keep people keep the wrong people in their lives and keep sometimes the right people out of their lives. And so I call this a malicious benefit or well-intentioned harm.

0:21And so on one hand uh if there are a number of people who make let's say negative videos about you. They intend to harm you. But when you look at your media and the way that you are compensated through the impressions that you earn and the amount of relevance that you have, you make more money.

0:46And so though they intended to hurt you, they have taken their time and effort which you normally have to pay people for and then for free promote you. What a gift. It just means that they are incompetent at doing harm. Which is wonderful. You want all your enemies to be incompetent in their harm doing. On the other hand, you have somebody who loves I'll use this in quotes right loves you means you well but is also incompetent and as a result whenever they enter your life, your life gets worse.

1:18They cause negative consequences to occur. And so a lot of people care a huge amount about intention and this was one of the larger shifts that I think happened in my I'll call it career but just my life. Um was completely stripping people of their intentions and only looking at their outputs. And that made navigating relationships significantly easier for me because it allowed me to remove the noise from the signal of the person.

1:48And so there are some people like I mean honestly the reason that one of the this is like probably the very beginning of this kind of thought change was with Leila. Like I had a a an advisor if you want to call it that at the time. And I was like, I'm not sure if I I want to marry this girl. I don't you know, I'm help me you know, make this decision. And he said, "Well, just look at your stats." He's like, "Are you in better shape?" And I was like, "Well, yeah, you know, she eats healthy and she goes to the gym. So, I you know, I go with her." And he's like, "Okay. Um so, you're you you're exercising more.

2:17You're eating better. Okay, are you drinking as much?" I was like, "No, she actually she really doesn't drink and I like drinking. I'm probably a bad influence on her." >> [laughter] >> He's like, "Okay. So, she decreases this kind of negative thing. Okay, got it." And he's like, "What about what about business wise?" I was like, "I'm I'm making more than I've ever made and since she's helping me do that." And he's like, "Okay." And so, he just went down the list of all these different kind of components of my life that I could measure and he's like, "It seems like your life is significantly better with this person in it." Um and when I contrast that to some of the call it relationships I had in the past, it was almost the opposite. Like I would get into the relationship and all of a sudden I like I wouldn't work out as much and I wouldn't eat as healthy and I would go out more and my business would suffer. Um and so, like all the things that I cared about would go down.

2:56And so, even though I don't think that person had any malicious intent, I think they had good intent, but they had well-intentioned harm. And so, that that that lens has helped me make so many decisions in in a way that removes a lot of the emotional weight behind them, which is like, "Oh, I I actually believe that you are a well-intentioned person." I was like, "I just think you're very incompetent at doing at doing good for me." Like you do not have the skill to help me. >> I'm not prepared to be the collateral damage of your good intentions errors.

3:24>> Yes. Um >> As you spin around trying to give me a hug, but by accident punch me in the face. >> Yes. >> Like it's you're driving down the street and because you didn't mean to, but weren't paying attention, you run somebody over. Functionally, the difference between that person being dead because you didn't mean to cuz you were texting on your phone or because you're a bad driver and you swerving off the street to hit them, the outcome is the same.

3:49>> And this is something that our actively disagrees with. Because if we look at how our laws are written, we try to tease out intention, and we change punishment and consequences based on intention. Is that not important to a degree? It can be, but I'm just more saying um I'm not saying should or shouldn't, but I'm saying in terms of how you navigate getting what you want out of life, if you were the one who got hit, you're dead either way.

4:13>> Mhm. >> And so when any n equals one, I would look at the signal, what happens, rather than the intention, 100 times out of 100. >> Is that any space it sounds like a for as long as this person in my life benefits me. >> Mhm. >> It's good to keep them in, and the moment that they stop benefiting me, then I get rid of them. To some people that would come across as very transactional view of relationships.

4:40>> I think it assumes a binary of benefit not benefit, and most people have many things that they do Like let's say somebody Let's say you're like, "I'm married to somebody." What happens when that person stops serving me? Well, it's very unlikely that tomorrow someone stop goes from I help you in these 100 ways to I either hurt you or help you in zero. It's more common or more likely that you had 100 ways, and now 10 years later they help you 70 ways, and maybe 10 years later they help you 40 ways. But if you're at least cognizant of the 100 ways that that person helps you, then it allows you to articulate, "Hey, when you do these things, it helps me a lot. It would really mean a lot to me."

5:16>> Reinforcement again. >> Yeah. I mean and and and and I appreciate that but yes. Um um but like in different terms, I was going to I was going to put my my Chris hat on. It's just just good communication. Right? Like how how do I know what you want until you tell me? And I think that people say what you just said, which is um people would see this as transactional. And then I would say, "And?"

5:41Yes, and? Why is this wrong? Why have you decided that having an exchange is incorrect? It's how society works. All of capitalism, which is the best societies have been built on exchange, voluntary exchange. >> I think some people would feel icky about applying that exchange capitalism dynamic inside of friendships and intimate relationships. >> I think that exchange happens either way. They just don't want to say it. If If you have a friend and you are like, "Oh, we're we're ride or die."

6:08means you have a long history of reinforcement, which means you have a long extinction curve. It just means that you've been reinforced many times for this friendship, which means that you are willing to deal with blips. But the amount of blips that you're willing to deal with is proportional to the history of reinforcement. If someone new comes into your life and has almost done nothing good and then does a blip, >> You don't have as much ballast in the system. >> Exactly. You have no reason to. So the whole The basically extinction curve is functionally just how long you're willing to hope that the good thing comes back.

6:34>> You probably should have a degree of recency bias, though. >> Oh, yeah. Because if the person's behavior has changed, well, yeah, for sure. It's going to be It's always discounted. >> Someone that was 50% a good guy and 50% an the 50% that is closest to you is more salient than the 50% that started 10 years ago. >> Oh, yeah. If it was front half, back half, 100%. And that's And honestly, and this is like I think this is super relevant for a lot of people. Like people do change. And that's okay. And you can be friends with the person they once were and no longer friends with the person they are.

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