Der größte Einfluss in meinem Leben

0:00Like, who here could use advice on something in their life, right? I mean, right. Everyone Everyone could use advice. And so, if I'm looking at a source for advice, I want three things. I want competence, I want context, and I want alignment. So, like if someone's uh competent and they have context, but they're misaligned, that is a recipe for getting [ __ ] They know They like know exactly what they're doing, they know exactly what would hurt you, and they are not aligned with you. Like, it's a great way to get destroyed. And so, one of the issues that I saw with a lot of modern like uh therapies, etc., was that I felt like the incentives were misaligned, and I would often spend a lot of time trying to I'd spend 90 minutes trying to provide context for one decision to somebody who might not even be as competent as me within whatever the regard was, and their alignment was for me to come back again next week.

0:48And so, I was like, I'm missing two or all three of the three things here. And so, that just felt like a broken model to me. And so, I was like, okay, well, then what would What would it look like to have somebody who has all three? And so, I stumbled upon this um So, the psychological principle called the Solomon Paradox. And so, King Solomon, as you know, um biblical figure known for his wisdom and his wealth. But, what was interesting about him as a character was that he also had a personal life that was in shambles. So, he was known for like cheating on his wife and partying, and he sent somebody, you know, somebody his son was a a mess, and he died, and all all this stuff. And so, it's like, how can this man be so wise, and yet the other side of his life is a mess?

1:29And so, that's why they call it the Solomon Paradox, is that people would come to him because his advice to other people was so good, but he wasn't very good at following it for himself. And so, they've now proven this that when they whitewash someone's own life, they literally feed them back the stats about their own life just as a whitewash character, so they don't even know they're reading about themselves. And they say, "What do you think this person should do?"

1:52They give better advice than what they actually do as the person that they're describing. And so it means that we give better advice than we follow. And so I thought about that and I thought, well, most of the time I feel like I know what I should do, but I'm just a pansy about it or I want someone else to tell me. But I don't have the alignment, I have to provide context, and I have the same three issues. And so I was like, what if what if I could talk like cuz the ultimate version who would have all three of those things would be end of game Alex, right? 85-year-old me that's accomplished things that I want to accomplish, who embodies the traits that I want to embody. And what would he say to me in this particular instance? Cuz he already knows how the game finishes.

2:33Now, nine times out of 10, he's like, "Fuck off, this doesn't matter." But he's a dick. Anyways. Um Just treats me like a kid. He doesn't understand. Um Um but the way that I do it is that every Monday, the first hour of my week, um it says Solomon on my on my calendar. And if for whatever reason I call him Solomon even though it's me in the future. Um and it's basically I do it like a chat deal. Now, I don't think you need to do it that way. You could probably do a voice memo, you could do a video, you could do whatever you want. But for me, I'm a I I think through writing. That's why I like writing books and things like that. And so I basically it's me and then I hit enter and then he's like, "Well, tell me about this." And then I do this. He's like, "Well, why do you think that?"

3:17And then the nice thing too is that when I sometimes my session's 7 minutes. Like I just get to the answer and it's like, all right, that's it. And oftentimes it's um I'll tell you one story, hopefully it'll it'll resonate with someone here. So I had this really big thing that I'd been building up to. It was like a multi-year project. And all this anticipation, all this you know, excitement around it. And um it happened and then there was something that just like didn't go the way that I'd wanted it to go. So I was very disappointed about this. But the thing that happened was actually now, everything's ultimately under our control, but um this one was a promise was made by a vendor and they had, you know, said that they would do that and based on the decision-making criteria that I had at the time, which is that other people had done the same thing that I had done with this particular vendor, I felt like it was a reasonable decision just to have trusted this vendor to be able to do their job. They didn't. And so, it cost me about $15 million. Um and it It was real money. Not like I hypothetically It It sucked.

4:11And so, I had to like I had to like work through this. And so, I had the session with Solomon. And um he knew the amount of time that I'd put into this project. And he said, "I am the product that you were building, not the thing." And he's like, "And I and I know what you put into that. And I am satisfied.

4:36That is enough." And that was like it it like I was like, "Okay." That was it. And so, for me, that kind of I believe in nothing. Um >> [laughter] >> And so, for me, that's it's like those are the And like the thing is, you can be absolutely real, at least for me, with Solomon, because like there's zero ego there. He knows if I'm bullshitting, you know, he's like, "Come on." I'm like, "Ah, fuck."

5:07And so, um I usually keep going until I get to actually a resolution, which was that like, "I am the product. And I am satisfied. And that is enough." And the thing is is that, to be fair, his satisfaction's [ __ ] tough. Because he knows if I could have tried harder. And so, one of the tough parts is like be like So, I'll say this to everybody who considers themselves a winner in the room.

5:32Once you start winning, it's easy to impress other people. And so, the only way to raise the bar is like, "Well, then how do I impress me?" And so, future me knows the difference between how hard I tried and how hard it looks like when I try when I have nothing left in the tank. And so like that delta is what Solomon pushes me towards. And so like cuz I get the question a lot which is like, "Okay Alex, how do you still stay motivated?" I'm sure you have stuff like that. Um and for me it's because that has been the game is like how do I close that delta? Because like I think I'll die and I don't think people will remember and that's okay, but I'll know at the end how hard I tried and that is what I've been trying to make my W.

6:17Which is like leaving with nothing left. And so that's what I like really really try for and I feel like Solomon is aligned with that and he holds me accountable in a way no one else can. Cuz like I could talk to a therapist and say all the things that I did they're like, "You must have tried hard." But like I know I could [ __ ] someone. >> And we can do that with our friends, too. We can we can enroll any one of our friends into believing our story. Especially when you're like a relationship conflict, we talk to a friend, we can enroll them in our belief system. So you just You know, it's so easy to get other people enrolled, but if you really And you can even enroll yourself. You know, that's the tricky part. If you're not careful, you'll enroll yourself in your own story. But then if you really go beyond that and then go into your own version of Solomon some part of you really knows. Some part of you really knows what the real truth is, like what really happened. And that I think is also one of the key components to really loving yourself.

7:15What you said is like, "And that is enough." And like that feeling of yeah, you gave it everything, man. And that was it that was enough. And of course, that's the best that's the best of you. Yeah. That'll say that, but it will also hold you accountable. It's what Don Miguel Ruiz calls ruthless self-love. It's like ruthless. It's like you could have given that more. You could have stood You could have stood more firm in your beliefs. You could have had more courage. You could have hustled harder, you could have tried more, you could have given it another chance. You could have done that, you know? And so, get after it. Get after it. Like really like that's that's the wisdom that we all have the availability to tap into if we use this kind of device.

8:02I also think that Solomon has been like the frame of Solomon has been especially powerful because it removes external judgment to a large degree. Like imagine telling your 85-year-old self. I mean a like imagine it. Like I So, sometimes there's a weird a weird fun gratitude thing if you're into that. Um I've struggled with gratitude. Like people are like, "I write a journal." I'm like, "And like right now it's like, can you guys name 10 problems in your life?" Right? Like I got 20, right? But if it's like, "Name five things that are good." I just stand there and I'm like, "I am alive." Uh like

8:36>> [laughter] >> And so, a really fun one for me has been imagining Solomon reborn as myself in a present moment. So, it's weird and trippy, but you're like you wake up and I'm next to my wife. I'm like, "I remember when she was this young." Like look at us. We're just kids. And I like look out the window. I'm like, "Man, I remember when Vegas looked like this. This was before all the flying cars and shit." And then um I wake up. I'm like, "Ah, my back doesn't hurt. My knees don't hurt." Like man, it's nice to be young.

9:03And like it's a it's a very weird experience to just imagine what life would be like as 85-year-old you and then actually live through that. Um and 85-year-old me doesn't give a [ __ ] about what Susan thinks about my decision, right? [laughter] And so, a lot of times um and I've gotten better at this as you know, I've I've gotten older and whatnot, but um I remember when I was trying to sell the company, uh we were trying to sell the company.

9:30Uh I had I was like really not sure if I wanted to do it or not. I was like, "Why am I hesitating? Like what's like why am I what what is this? And it's like well what are what will people think? But it's never people. It's like two people. And then you name the two people. And then I was like do I really want John's opinion to be the reason that I And I was like that's [ __ ] dumb. But it's like as soon as you name it then it's like becomes real rather than this amorphous thing. And Solomon just makes me name [ __ ] He's like you really don't want to become me because of Tom?

10:01>> [laughter] >> He's like no, you should do that. Do it. I mean he's a dick. >> [laughter] >> But you know, lovingly. Ruthless self love. Yeah. And so um I I I also just think it's a really powerful frame for getting around like there's the thing that you want to do and there's the thing that everyone else thinks you should do and everyone else thinks you should do it probably not the right thing to do. Real quick, if you are a business owner and you are not growing as fast as you'd like, I'd like to give you a free gift.

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