What Respect Actually Means

0:00my whole life, right? I think many men want respect. Some people say status, but I'll I'll define respect um as this. So, respect is letting someone else's word change what you do even when they cannot make you. So, if I respect someone, what they what they say changes what I do even though they cannot force me to do it.

0:25And so, there's two sides to respect. There's the earning of respect and there's the giving of respect. And so, I was trying to encapsulate this into an acronym that I could remember cuz I know I'm going to talk about this a lot, especially with our leaders at the company, cuz leaders want respect. That makes sense. But, how do you how do you how do you how do you gain respect and then also not pass the line of being a tyrant, right? And so, the acronym that I have is powers, which is the behaviors that earn respect. Is number one is that you pay the cost, which is that you sacrifice for the group where they can see it.

0:59So, if I I remember the first time um So, when I was when I was a pledge back in my fraternity days, it's a group where everyone's even, right? No one's No one's special. And there was a particular senior who was known for being a bad hazer, and he called the goats. And so, the goats had to go to the house, and you had to go in pairs, right? And so, he called one guy, and the guy was like, "It's goats." It's just a derogatory term derogatory term for a a pledge. >> [laughter] >> Okay. >> Yeah.

1:25>> All right. >> Yeah, worms, goats, whatever. Um well, goats cuz they're gofers and they go do [ __ ] for you. Anyways, they um and so, he just looked at the group of, you know, 18 other guys and he's like, "Who wants to come with me?" Cuz we knew he was going to get hazed. So, somebody just has to basically sacrifice themselves. And so, I remember I was like, "I'll go with you, dude." And it's a tiny act where that sacrifice gains respect from the whole group because that micro benefits everybody else for not having to go through it.

1:53And so, when you are in a new organization, this is the operation for respect. You sacrifice yourself in a way that benefits the whole in a way that is visible. You don't have to do it visibly cuz then it looks cringe, but like they will see it eventually. >> Turning up early. >> Yeah. Number two is outcomes, which is that things get better when you are involved for everyone. And so functionally it's competence, which I would define as outcomes improve with your involvement that are traceable to you repeatedly. So it's the opposite of luck or free riding, right?

2:24Three is work, your word, right? Which is what you say will happen happens, and what you say you'll do you do. E is enforce, and this is the sticky one I'll get to more in a second, but it's you don't let people cross you consistently. The R is restraint, which is that you hold back when you could punish more, and you give more credit than you need to.

2:48And then S is steady, is that you function in high-stakes situations the same as normal situations. >> [gasps] >> And so what ends up happening is that enforcement is basically your compliance floor, which is that if I enforce rules of like this is how I want to be treated, then people will at baseline just do that, but that is where you have a tyrant on a on the run because you need the other ones to have respect. You have to be competent.

3:18Like if you have just uh enforcement of rules, but you have no competence, things are not better for anyone. You've never buried any cost. Everyone [ __ ] hates that guy. And the moment their ability to make that person's life worse goes away, so does the behavior. And so the key that separates basically fear-driven or compliance versus respect is that they have to be able to do it even when you have no ability to make them. Now, on the flip side, if you have all of the competence things, but you have no enforcement, then you're the admired doormat. You do things for everyone, but like no one respects you.

3:49>> [gasps] >> So then the next thing that comes up is like okay, so enforcement. And this is probably the hairiest of the of the ones that is still required. And so there's three things that have to happen in order for you to be obligated to enforce a standard. Which is that number one, someone has to know the standard you have. You have like, please do not talk to me that way. Please do not address me in that manner. Whatever that whatever whatever do not do not turn in the dinner that's cold, whatever.

4:16They have to have a known standard. Number two is that they have to have the ability to adhere to that standard. And then three, choose not to. >> Mhm. >> Now, a lot of times people can feel disrespected. But if you've never articulated that this is a preference of yours, that you do things a certain way. And then you basically punish someone for treating you in a specific way without ever having told them, then that is when you'll be seen as tyrannical. >> Unspoken standards are premeditated disrespects. >> Yeah.

4:41And so So imagine this situation where you have a chef who's, you know, he takes a a [ __ ] turns it around, is, you know, best in class chef. And he's got um a new and he's known for both being incredibly hard, but everyone who works for him loves him. So it's like how do we how do we manage these this apparent contradiction? So new new sous chef comes in. Messes something up.

5:05The plate gets comes back in, and then the head chef takes it, dumps it, and looks at the kid. He says, you just cost us that table. We're going to comp the bill. Don't worry. You're still with us. Show up again at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow and do better. So you have the moment, we have to enforce it, but it's about the behavior, not the person. And that's the big that's the big unlock. What would doing it about the person look like? >> So it's basically you lazy piece of [ __ ] It's basically labeling them rather than the behavior, and criticizing who they are rather than what they did.

5:37And so the three things is number one, it has to be a a known rule. Number two, they have to have the ability to follow it. And number three, choose not to. That is when a transgression occurs. Now, then it comes into, okay, what are the consequences that happen? Does that mean that you just let people transgress after you say, "Hey, don't do that." and then say, "Hey, don't worry, I still love you."? Well, the consequence for crossing you needs to be consistent, which means that every time someone crosses you, there needs to be a consequence. If there isn't, then you teach people to gamble with you.

6:08Cuz it's a it's a variable reinforcer. You need to have consistent reinforcers, which extinguishes the behavior. And so, it has to be consistent, it has to be immediate, and it has to be escalating. Which means if the first time I tell you, I say, "Don't worry, you're with us. Be here tomorrow, do better." Fine. If you do it again, then it's like, "You're off for the night." If you do it again, you don't come back. And so, there has to be an escalating consequence because what happens is at some moment it stops being about punishing the behavior, and it should be about punishing the pattern of behavior, which then means it is the person which might be at that point, I don't want to I don't want to train this person anymore. And so, at that point you have to respect the standard for everyone. And out of owing it to everyone, we have to let this person go, even if they're a perceived high performer.

6:56And so, um the flip side of it, so that's the how you earn respect is you do powers. You sacrifice for the group, you have outcomes that you demonstrate competence for, your word is your bond, you do what you say you're going to do, you enforce the standards publicly, swiftly, consistently, and escalatingly. You show restraint when you could yell, like go [ __ ] nuts on this kid for [ __ ] something up, you choose not to even though you could.

7:21And then S is that you're steady even when the the biggest Michelin star uh judge is there, you still act the exact same way as though they were just a normal dinner table. If you like this video and you're a business owner who wants to break through your current revenue ceiling, I distilled every lesson from scaling 10 businesses past 10 million, and three businesses past 100 million, into a completely free scaling roadmap that I've used to go from zero to one, zero to 10, and zero to 100 plus. And so you can click here and you can check it out. Again, absolutely free. And since you're a business owner, appreciate you and enjoy.