"Are You Happy?"

0:00You had that conversation with Tony Robbins, which I found to be amazing. It's a fantastic conversation. I spoke to him about it actually. Um I wondered if it had changed you in any way. You talked to him about happiness. You you'd said that, you know, you'd said some similar things to me that happiness had never been a high priority for you. >> Yeah. >> Did that conversation change your perspective at all on happiness? >> I would I would love to say that it did um because I think it would be like a better sound bite.

0:25>> Yeah. >> Um not really. >> So where are you now on the subject of happiness? Are you are you happy? >> I have a tough time with that, mostly because I just I don't really even know what it means. Um because like there's some people that you say like, do I feel joy? Of course, but you can feel joy at a at a funeral. >> Are you excited about your life? Are you excited about life on a daily basis?

0:49>> Yes. I'm I'm intensely interested in my life. I'm very fascinated by the things that I work on. Does it feel good to be you? Sometimes. I think I think >> More days than not? >> Probably. One of the things that Arthur Brooks has been really helpful you you know his stuff um and he talks specifically to strivers and I'm like, stop talking to me. So strivers he defines as people who like, you know, are strivers. They're they're high achievers and what's really interesting is he describes what the childhood of a striver is. He's like, almost to a T this is what it is. He's like, it's typically an immigrant parent or something like that where they're trying to do a good job and they basically withhold approval only when the kid does a a good thing and then what happens is the kid learns that love is earned and then you learn that loop, you're reinforced for that loop and then you do win more and you earn more love and then you get into the big bad world and then you're like, "How do I get more of this drug, this love drug?" Which means I need to earn as much as possible. I need to earn as much as possible. So you just get addicted to the loop of working. And so I find this really fascinating. But the other part of of of his work that has been actually in some ways very like grounding for me is about half of your subjective well-being is genetic.

1:59>> Mhm. >> Half. And so and to be clear like I'm I'm super blessed. I have a lot of good things that have come for me. My mother's side of the family tree has a lot of tough mental stuff. Uh very bad stuff. But they're also really brilliant. In some ways I think to myself like maybe I'm just maxed out on my 50. And I'm crushing it. But the thing is it's like I don't know because like we don't you know if you're if you're born 7 ft tall everyone can see it. But some people are born probably 1 ft tall in terms of happiness and they learn to play basketball really really well at 1 ft and people are still like oh he's only 1 ft tall. So I don't I don't know how to judge how well I'm doing. I would say that I have been way worse than I am now. I aggressively want to keep living.

2:42And to me that's a that's a really strong indicator for me. Um and to answer like Albert Camus is one of my favorite philosophers um and he has this quote that I I love which is what is the meaning of your life? And his answer to that is the reason you don't kill yourself. And it's it sounds dark but a lot of very dark things can be flipped into very light things which is that when you ask someone that question they'll typically answer like well I mean my my kids, my wife, the people that rely on me and it's like great that's why you're alive.

3:15And that thing can also change because like if you ask me 10 years ago I'd have a different answer than I do this this time and maybe in 20 years it'll be different. >> One of the remarkable things I learned from doing this podcast is a real appreciation for people's predisposition as it relates to mental health and the way that their mind is with them. Like growing up I thought everyone's mind was like mine as you do. And then for you know you stumble across this thing called podcasting you start interviewing people and going what's going on in your brain? And then they they play it to you and you go that they can't possibly be telling me the truth. It can't possibly be the case that there's other people and I remember sitting here with um a comedian who told me that inside his brain there's a voice that literally roots his failure. That literally tells him he's he's pathetic, he's going to fail, he's terrible, this was terrible, you've embarrassed yourself. And I thought, "Gosh, isn't that crazy that there is like a mental health mindset privilege, which most of us don't don't even acknowledge acknowledge the privilege of?"

4:08And when you speak, I it's fascinating to me. In the same in the same way that I might assume that it's fascinating when you hear someone answer the question, "Are you happy?" and they just go, "Yes, of course." Yeah, right. Like is that really curious to you when you hear people say, "Yes, I'm amazingly happy." >> Yeah. >> Is that curious to you? >> Um sort of. I think when when I hear someone say that, it's like probably my immediate gut response before I even like think about my response, um is they probably haven't even defined what happiness is and they just wanted to give an easy answer. >> [laughter]

4:35>> Interesting. >> Like that's like that's what I immediately think. But like I I It's like this is like the the absolute as as raw truth as I could possibly give to anyone, which is that like I I'm very proud of the things that I've done up to this point in my life. Like I I can look back and be like, "I'm proud that I did that." And I and I feel that sense of accomplishment and I and I >> What is the emotion attached to proud? >> I don't know. Is Is pride itself an an emotion?

5:01>> I don't know. I Well, how does one experience pride as an emotion? Is that like a It would feel very full. >> I'm like very happy that I did these things. Like the books that you have in front of you, I'm incredibly proud of. >> If it was a facial expression, how would proud look? >> Yeah. >> Hm, no. >> No, not for me. I mean, I'm just very It's very It's very soulful for me. Like I'm I'm very filled by this work. And that's why that's why I keep doing it. And I know that when I die, I think the thing that will actually the the only thing that I think has a chance of living on past me, past when people even know who I am, is these books.

5:34>> Hm. >> My YouTube videos are going to disappear. Like all that stuff will go away, but I think I think these books will survive. And I write them that way. Like I write them kind of thinking that like the people who read this will not know who I am. >> Should people come to you for happiness advice? >> No. Go go find somebody who's really happy. Here's Here's really tough though, right? Is that no one knows base what someone's base level is. And that's what's so tough. >> I think I asked that because one I think a lot of people assume that this work, learning how to be financially free and to build a business, is in service of this North Star which we all agree upon, which is happiness.

6:09>> Yeah. >> So, one would think, "Okay, what's the point building a business and getting a hundred million dollar deal or whatever if it doesn't then happiness payoff?" And if you're telling me that you're not the person to come to for happiness advice, I go, "Well, then what's What What's this then? What do I need to do this if this is not going to make me Do you see what I'm saying? >> Oh, I totally see what you're saying, which is why bother pursuing this to begin with. >> Yeah, if it's If you're not promising me happiness is the North Star. >> Yeah. I won't do that. >> Okay.

6:34>> Many people will sell you happiness. I will not be one of them. I try to sell quantitative things. Like, I know that if more people find out about your stuff, you'll make more. If you have a better way of monetizing and a faster way to bring cash forward, your business will grow more. If you have an offer that's so good people stop being saying no, they won't say no, they'll say yes. >> But you make no promise or guarantee as where that would lead you in your life. >> No, that's To me like that's beyond my scope. >> Fine.

6:57>> Like, I know Yeah. And so, I I enjoy the topic of of the happiness stuff because I I love amorphous topics. >> [laughter] >> Um but the the conclusion that I said I started with when you asked about the Tony thing was I at least my It is my worldview, which could be wrong, that human beings our internal feelings are like the weather. >> Mhm.

7:22>> There's sunny days and there's rainy days and there's rainy seasons and there's sunny seasons. And we go through them all. And even if things get better, our baseline adjusts so that yet again, cuz like if we think about a year, I I actually give this example with my sales team. So, we think about this as a year and we have all the days of the year. Half the days are going to be above average. And half the days are going to be below average. And every month you're going to have a bottom 10% day three times.

7:53Cuz you have 36 days per year that are going to be bottom 10% days for no reason. Purely because law of large numbers. And you're also going to have three days per month, which is almost one a week, that's going to be top 10% day of the whole year. Pretty impressive. It's one a week, almost. Right? And so I think about this variability a lot because when I'm having a quote bad day, cuz I have them. I have I have them all the time. Um and I just think this is probably just a bottom 10% day. Mhm. And like and I think the the one of the one of the lessons that I've learned from an entrepreneurship perspective translated into life is my emotional discomfort is not an adequate reason to change what I'm doing.

8:33And so we will get these moments of dissatisfaction or discomfort and be like, I'm life sucks. I need to change something. And if you don't like your life in general, change something. But if you don't like your life today, maybe don't break up with your wife. Mhm. >> [clears throat] >> Maybe give it a day, right? And so I think again, I come from the entrepreneur perspective, which is that people will have a bad day and then basically take it out on their business. And then [snorts] change a bunch of things and then destroy what they're what this fledgling business that's getting going because they had an emotional need that they could not tolerate.

9:04And so that's why this graph has been so valuable to me, which is is my bottom 10% day a big enough thing for me to change my behavior. If I determine that I can have a bad day and still do good work, that is a good day.