Schluss mit nett sein: Respekt einfordern lernen

0:00What stops a lot of people from continuing to build confidence is they believe these [ __ ] narratives that [music] our our brains make up. So many women do this. They underestimate their strength and resilience and that is their problem is like they're constantly underestimating what they're capable of. So in order for you to [music] take the steps every day towards that confidence, you have to you said you just got fed up of being pushed around and you stopped tolerating the [ __ ] and started to command respect. Now so many women watching right now desperately want this level of confidence because they don't feel confident at all. Now you were actually once that woman yet today you walk into every room with unshakable non-negotiable confidence. So for the woman who feels small, silenced or utterly insecure and wants that level of confidence for herself, what are the five tactics that you actually use in order to be unfuckwithable?

0:58So the first thing that I would say for anybody who wants to gain confidence is you have to take action before you're ready. You cannot wait until you feel ready to take action. Confidence is gained by committing to something, consistently executing, which then builds competence, which then leads to confidence. So, it's like I think about it like the four C's, right? It's like you commit that you're going to do this thing no matter how you feel. You then consistently do it regardless of the outcome, which then eventually leads to competence. It's like you suck, you suck a little less,

1:32>> you're good, then you're like decent. [laughter] Then people are like, "Hey, you're not oh, you're pretty good." And then you're like, "Great." And then suddenly you're a master one day, right? >> And then that leads to confidence. And I think that that a lot of people have it backwards and they assume that the confidence comes before the mastery, right? When in reality, like the confidence is the output of mastering the thing, which you don't get unless you get through the sucky part.

1:58>> How do you take that first step though? So how do you overcome the fear in order to try that one first moment? That's the fallacy I would say which is like you don't overcome the fear. >> You don't. So there's two types of ways that you can think about this which is there's stress management and then there's distress management. >> Stress management is how do you lower the stress in your entire life so that the stress never gets to a 10. And if the stress never gets to a 10, it's very easy to do a lot of things you want to do in life. Distress management is when I'm almost to a 10 in fear, anxiety, etc. How do I bring myself back to a five or a six so I can like actually have my [ __ ] together and do what I said I was going to do? So, anytime somebody says like, "How do I get rid of the fear so I can do the thing?" It's because they actually don't have distress management skills, they're hoping that the fear will go away and that's why they'll be able to do it. When the reality is you have to take the fear with you. You take the fear with you and you use skills to deescalate the fear so that you can take the action while feeling uncomfortable. I tell people all the time, I'm like, I'm just better at feeling awful than you.

3:01>> You're you're better at putting up with it. >> Yeah. >> I have raised my tolerance to fear and my tolerance to discomfort, as I'm sure you have. It's like you have to do that if you want to achieve your goals and you want to build confidence >> because for me, I found it relieving when I finally heard like and realized I don't have to feel confident before I accomplish my goals. >> Yes. Oh my god. Say that again. That was so good. >> I don't [laughter] have to feel confident before I accomplish my goals.

3:25Yeah, it's relieving because I'm like >> I I was sitting there for so long thinking like what's wrong with me? Why don't I feel confident yet? I'm doing all this stuff. I'm telling myself all these things. I'm reading all these books. I mean, I did all this hokey doie [ __ ] and like I felt nothing. What got past that phase for me was getting out into the [ __ ] field and eating [ __ ] and learning that I didn't die. I was okay. And if anything, I came back stronger. And I think for so many people that probably in your audience and my audience, they underestimate their strength and resilience. And that is their [ __ ] problem is like they're constantly underestimating what they're capable of because they won't test the limits. Think about it like this. You're in the gym. How do you know how much weight you can lift if you never try and pick up the 200 lb bar?

4:11>> How do you know you can't pick up 200 lbs unless you try? If you don't constantly try and fail, you never actually know where your strength curve sits. And so then I asked myself, I was like, how do I go to failure in my life? >> Like how do I seek out the failure? And that is the problem with most people is that they don't even take the first step because they're so afraid that they're going to fail and what that means to them. And so for me, it's just been this constant cycle of like one, I would say looking at myself like I am the scientist. I am not the critic, right?

4:42Like so many of us are so good at being the critic of ourselves. It's like you you take that first step, you go and try to speak, but you don't sound that good. You kind of fumble and then you're like, "You're so [ __ ] bad at this. You [ __ ] I knew you were going to fail." You just literally you look so dumb. Everyone online's going to talk about you. Lisa and Leila are going to see that video and think you look like an idiot, right? Critic versus scientist. Okay, I didn't do as well as I wanted to do. What do I think led to that? Okay, how much did I rehearse leading up? How much did I practice? Did I organize my day right? Did I did I take care of myself? Did I get good rest? Part of building confidence is learning how to be your own friend. You have to be able to support yourself. Because to get become confident, you have to become competent. In order to get competent, you have to be okay sucking at something. It's really hard to keep sucking at something over and over again. If you're constantly beating the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of yourself.

5:34>> It's like so many women do this. They It's like you eat something wrong. You don't work out something right. You weren't the perfect wife or the perfect mother. And it's like all of a sudden we're just like in the mental torture chamber of just like beating the [ __ ] out of ourselves. And I realize that that also does not help you become more confident. >> I love it so much. Okay, so we've got take action, which don't wait for it. Just take action. You'll get good as you do it. Then you've got fake it till you make it. There's a lot of kind of weird controversy over the fake it till you make it. So what's your thoughts on it?

6:06How does someone use this as a skill set as stepping stones to build their confidence? >> Yeah, so it's interesting. I used to be a like disgusted by that phrase if I'm being honest. Yeah. >> And then I realized why it was useful. Um, >> and I would say this, I don't agree with fake it till you make it as in like try like >> like pretend to be someone you're not. >> Pretend to pretend to be someone you're not to please people that don't give a [ __ ] about you, right? That's just misery like waiting for you at the other side. But what I do believe in is that we have to take action that doesn't align with our thoughts and beliefs. So, we have thoughts and beliefs that are telling us we can't do this thing. And then we have our behavior, which is separate from our thoughts and beliefs.

6:47And the reason I say fake it till you make it is because so many people say they're like, "I don't feel or think I can do this." Okay, fake it. Then just go through the actions as if you were already that person that could. And that's all I need you to do. And what I think it does is it creates this beautiful clarity between uh two things which is like realizing you are not your thoughts and realizing you are not your feelings.

7:12They are not there to control you. They're not the puppet masters. Right? You can actually take action despite what they say. >> And that's the second step and why it's so important is because we want to show people that their action can be separate from their thoughts and feelings. >> Like think about it like this, right? I remember I was talking with um one of my friends and she was telling me she was like, "I just get angry all the time and it's like such a problem." And I was like, "Is anger the problem or is aggression the problem?" What's the difference between anger and aggression?

7:38Anger is a feeling. Aggression is an action. >> It's the behavior of acting angry. And so when people do small things that defy their thoughts and feelings, >> it shows them that they can take action despite what's happening in here. So, like a small one that I'll tell people as like a stepping stone is I'll be like, "I just want you to think about something you do every day." Like you're walking down the street, right? And you know you're walking on the right side, people are walking on the left side.

8:06Just be like, "I'm going to walk on the left side." [laughter] Right? And then you're like, "No, I should walk on the right side. Everyone's walking this way." I want you to not listen to your brain telling you to go on that side. I want you to walk on the opposite side. I call it do the opposite. It's so silly. >> Yeah. I was going to say, what is that doing to the brain that then gets you to take action? psychological flexibility, >> which is the ability to separate your actions from your thoughts and your beliefs. >> Um, I'll tell you one that I did. This was like 3 years ago when I was really working through fear of public speaking.

8:34This is insane. I've never told this to anyone but Alex, but um, I was like, "Okay, how could I do something on purpose that goes against what my thoughts and feelings tell me?" And I had read this, I think, a long time in a psychology book. I walked past people when I was on a walk and I was just like, "Happy birthday, [laughter] You just shove that. >> I swear to God. And they were like, "What?" And I was just like, my brain's like, "Don't do it. You're going to look like an idiot. This is so stupid." And I was like, "Happy birthday." >> Amazing.

9:00>> And I'm just like, "Happy birthday." And I just kept doing it. >> They think you got Tourette's or something. >> Oh, 100%. [laughter] I was like, but I just ignored my brain kept being like, "Shut up. You look so [laughter] stupid. This is so scary. People are going to know who you are." But Leila Horosi yelled happy birthday at me. But I was like, "No, I want to show myself that these two systems are separate. They don't control each other. It's like we have a thermostat setting over here and a thermostat setting over here. And so when I think fake it till I make it, I really just think acting despite or in contrast with our thoughts and feelings.

9:31>> Dude, that's so good. I want to challenge everyone at home right now to like for one day just walk around and wish have everyone a happy birthday. [laughter] Like I love this movement. Um all right, I'd love to actually now move on to number three, which is track the truth, not your mood. Explain what that means and why it works. All right, guys. We'll be right back with Laya. But real quick, if you're done playing small, if you're done being pushed around and you're ready to build unshakable confidence in every area of your life, then smash the subscribe button down there because every episode of Women of Impact is here to help you build your confidence, own your worth, set strong boundaries, and make sure that you never ever lose your power again. So, go ahead, smash that subscribe button. Now, back to the episode.

10:11So a lot of the time when people are trying to become confident, one of the things that um I notice is there's so much narrative. So there's what happens in real life and then there's the narrative that our brain builds around it. >> And I'll give you an example, right? Um so I told myself I lost 100 pounds and I was like, I'm going to compete in a bikini competition. And I I remember building this narrative around it where I was like, if I'm able to go and compete and place and like get top just top five, then I'm like in really good shape. And so I go through the whole thing and I'll tell you how the day went. I get up on stage. I'm up there with like, you know, 20ome women on stage and I'm like, there's no way I'm going to place at all. Like there's definitely not. So we go fast forward to the end of the day. I get second place.

11:00Wow. What's the narrative that I build in my head? Oh [ __ ] you didn't hit first. >> I only got second place because the judges are Persian and I'm Persian and so they favor Persian [snorts] women for sure and so these other girls look better than me, but they really wanted a Persian to win. I have no, by the way, no evidence to support this. I completely make this up in my head, but I said, "Oh my gosh, that is a narrative. What's the truth?" The truth is I got second place.

11:29>> [laughter] >> And so this third step is you have to separate the narrative from the facts like the evidence. If an alien were to come down from space and see what you were doing and see the action you took, what would they write down that you did? That is the truth. Write down the truth. Read the truth and and just say, you know what, this is a narrative. That's what you call it. You're like, I'm building a narrative around this truth. That's okay. My brain does that. Brain's doing its job. But I don't need to act in accordance with the narrative.

11:57Instead, I'm going to focus on the facts and the truth because we don't know. The reality is our brain wants to create certainty around things, especially when we're new and trying to build confidence in something. It's going to create so many narratives. Most of them aren't correct. And what stops a lot of people from continuing to build confidence is they believe the narratives, these [ __ ] narratives that our our brains make up. And then it stops them from continuing getting to the next level. And then they never build the confidence because of something that they made up in their [ __ ] head

12:24>> that has zero truth to it. It has zero evidence to support that it's true. It's a hypothesis. >> You can convince yourself that the narrative is facts. I'm not good at this. See, I told you. >> Yeah. >> And so, I loved your idea of if it's an alien, like what would they write? Because if you're in that spot and you're sitting down and you're trying to do this practice and you you can't see past because you've had blinders on for so long, having that technique I think is really cool. I use like the screenplay technique because unless you've got a voice over, everything is action. So, it's like if you had to write a screenplay with no voice over, what would the words be on the page?

13:00>> So, I love that way of thinking about how you separate like the narrative from what is true because we can convince ourselves. Um, okay. I'd love I'd love to now move on to number four, which is um start small, make tiny tweaks. >> Yeah. Um, this has been the hardest one for me in any area of building confidence to be honest with you and I think it's the most important because

13:25>> what I've realized for example and this is something that's I've been aware of for a long time but it's like oftent times I will essentially want to take a make a big change. Why are we trying to make such a big change because we want to be confident. We're trying to make a huge change because we're so uncomfortable where we are. We're not trying to make a huge change because we think that that's the best thing to do. Every [ __ ] book says start small. Take small steps, baby steps, tiny tweaks. Why though do people take these big leaps and try to make so much change so quickly? Because you're too uncomfortable sitting with the feelings of knowing you're not there yet.

14:04>> And so what I have realized is you have to start small. How do you start small? There's two things. You have to be okay sitting in this. I call it like um the swamp of uncertainty, which is like you're not who you were, >> right? You're not in your old habits. You're also not in your new ones yet. >> You're in the [ __ ] messy middle. It's like very uncomfortable and nobody likes to be there. I hate it. I'm in it in many things right now. And it's like I just constantly wanting to just leap out of it.

14:32>> But leaping out doesn't help it stick because it's almost like quicksand. It's like the more the faster you try to build yourself out of it, then the more you sink in with quicksand, you actually have to relax. and then you'll be able to float up to the top. And for me, I just want to add in that realization because it took me a lot of introspection to realize, oh, I don't like doing tiny tweaks because I just want to get to the other side. I'm so busy trying to get to the other side and have that confidence. I don't want to feel lack the lack of confidence. So, starting small means being okay with not feeling confident right now and taking tiny steps to get there. Question though, when you're in the swamp and that thing is screaming at you, get out of the swamp and you know, no, no, I have to stay here. How do you make sure you stay in the swamp? Like, what is going through your head? Because everyone listening right now may go, okay, I'm going to give this a shot. The second you get in that bloody swamp, all your emotions come and all of Leila's advice is out the window and you're like, let me just freaking get out of the swamp. So, take me through almost like a thought process that someone can use right now to make sure that they stay in the freaking swamp to get to the end. What allows me to stay in the swamp is breaking it down to tiny steps I take every day. And I measure my success by taking those steps and not taking more steps. I am celebrating the fact that I didn't do the more.

15:50And that is a very hard thing to celebrate for people. We're so celebrated by doing more. But I actually celebrate the fact that I only took the step that I committed to taking and I didn't go above and beyond because I know that I'm doing it at any rate that is sustainable because there's a lot of studies on habit change and how to actually build confidence. You have to do things small enough in a way that these stick and they can build on each other so you have a steady foundation. There's something that they teach to people who actually go to war and uh are in the Navy which is like just focus on the next task.

16:21>> Focus on the next task. What's the next hour? What do I have to do the next day? So for me, when I find myself like wanting to skip is what I say, I just say, "Well, Leila, what's the next task you have to focus on?" >> Oh, that's nice. >> What's the one that you've got to do today? That has helped me a lot. I would say that it's probably where most people trip up the most. Like when I was a personal trainer and I was helping people lose weight, the amount of people that would say, "I'm changing my exercise, my diet, my this," it's like everything all at once, right? versus let's get one down so that it is so automatic for you. It takes zero mental effort or and zero mental attention so that when you add in the next thing, you don't have to get rid of things you love in your life to accomplish your goal.

17:05You have made space naturally by mastering each piece slowly >> and that is why things can stick. >> I love that idea. I used to be all or nothing and it freaking just burnt me out. I would even slip a tiny bit out. You're useless. You can't stick to anything. And now I'm on your bandwagon because I think a big key is when you build your confidence, it can eb and flow. There are moments, I mean, forget about even your hormones and your period and all of that, right? There are moments that certain things in your life are going to happen. Your confidence is going to dent. So instead of seeing it as all or nothing, go, "Okay, this is a moment where I'm slightly low. What can I do to get myself back up?"

17:42>> 100%. And I think something you said is there is really important which is when I talk about starting small. If in order for you to take the steps every day towards that confidence you want, you have to white knuckle and you have to adjust your entire life. Then when something goes wrong, you're going to lose your [ __ ] and you're probably just going to give up. And so that's why I also think like it's so important to just integrate things in slowly in a way that lasts forever. I don't want to have to

18:13>> Yeah. >> I don't want to have to do this twice. >> Yeah. >> You know, and that's how I think about it's like I don't this is so much effort. I don't want to have to do this twice. So, I'm just going to take the steps that I have right in front of me and then the habits are going to stick. >> Side note, did you see the docu series on the biggest loser? >> No. >> So, there was this guy who had lost like 300 lb and he was like he lost so much weight. They show him now. He's bigger than he was before before he started the show and they asked him why and they're like because you couldn't eat. that all you did was exercise and starve yourself all day. So, of course, the second you go home, it's not sustainable. So, when I think about women building confidence and how we end up losing it and how we can pro hopefully try and keep it forever, I think it's like the the flexibility that can allow us to do that.

18:57>> Yeah, I totally agree with you. It's like you don't want the conditions to be so unrealistic for you to accomplish the things you want to accomplish. >> Yeah. Um All right. And then you got number five, which you mentioned earlier, but tolerate discomfort. That just makes people uncomfortable hearing that you're telling them to tolerate discomfort. >> Yeah. So there's two things that I think you have to separate in order to understand tolerating discomfort, which is like discomfort and suffering are not the same thing. Suffering is the story that we build around the discomfort or the pain. It is not the thing itself.

19:27>> It's good to learn how to tolerate discomfort and emotional pain, things like that. I would say it's not good to um suffer. That doesn't help us. That doesn't help people around us. That doesn't help us accomplish our goals. So, I'm not an advocate of suffering. And I do think that is something that is often self-imposed. Um but being able to be okay being uncomfortable. >> So, let's say, give me an example. Let's say you're in a toxic dynamic with a partner and the difference between suffering and discomfort. So, how would you separate those two if you were in that type of dynamic?

19:59>> Yeah, that's an interesting question. And so I think that there's a a good question that you can ask yourself which is is tolerating this discomfort making me respect myself more or less? Because if you are tolerating a level of discomfort and every time you tolerate it you lose respect for yourself like you feel less capable you feel less powerful you feel like whether it's because you didn't speak up or because you didn't leave could be either one.

20:30then that is I would say something that you probably shouldn't tolerate whether it's from that person or from you which is the only question that only you can answer because I think we have to show up for ourselves if we want somebody to show up for us you know like my husband knows um I told him when we first met I said if you ever cheat on me I was like I won't even blink twice I will not yell I will not scream there will be it will be the cleanest divorce ever but I will leave like this is the respect level I have for myself this is my tolerance level I had someone cheat on me once and I literally was Okay, well, we're done, but we can be friends. I'd rather just start from scratch with somebody else. And so, I think that that's the question you have to ask because at any point you're sacrificing your self-respect to remain in a relationship and you're saying, "Oh, I'm just like tolerating the discomfort." Like, that's backwards. We don't want that.

21:20>> Now, I would say if you are saying like, "Okay, I'm uncomfortable. Should I tolerate this discomfort?" And it's, oh, I'm feeling uncomfortable because my partner is doing something that makes me feel insecure, but it's probably good for me long term to learn how to work through this insecurity. >> It's probably good for me to learn how to use my voice. Um, I think I can learn from them in the way that they're showing me this. Like sometimes I think our partners can trigger insecurities in us. And if it triggers for me, it's like automatic. If it triggers an insecurity in me, I'm like, you should totally do that

21:53>> because I want to learn how to be okay with that for me. That's so cool. So, how does that then lead to you building the confidence? >> One, the moment that you say yes to the experience, you automatically are teaching yourself that you can handle it. >> It's like what you resist persists. That's a saying in AA and many other people have used it from this point on. But like it's so true when it comes to feelings. If you want to gain confidence, it's almost like you cannot resist the feelings of not being confident and that oppose confidence.

22:26Have you ever um heard the theory of like um when they've broken down emotions where people who don't want to feel grief or loss also don't feel love? >> Oh no, it kind of makes sense. >> So think about this, right? If you're watching this right now for people are watching and they're like, I want to be confident. Well, are you willing to feel insecure? Are you okay with feeling anxious? Are you okay with feeling fear?

22:51If you're not okay with those three feelings, it's really hard to ever become confident because you are going to have to, like we just talked about in those four steps leading up to the last one of tolerating discomfort, what's present every step of the way is being present with these feelings that are not yet confidence, their insecurity, their fear, their anxiety. And so like a lot of the times when I really think about like becoming confident, I'm like it's really just like learning to be okay with bad feelings. and then and then realizing that you can still accomplish these amazing things in life with them there and that you never needed to get them to go away in the first place.

23:27>> But I'm going to add a caveat though is that you can't just sit in the feelings. What you do is all the other steps you take action and everything else that we've just listed because if you just sit in the feelings you'll never move. God, it was a quote of yours. I it was so strong. It was something like you can't envy the same person you can pity is exactly like I don't want to say it's a choice but ultimately it's like if there were two paths which one are you going down? Are you going to sit in the discomfort and feel the pity or are you going to sit in the discomfort and still take action and do everything else that comes with it to build the confidence

23:57>> 100%. And I will actually give you like a little trick that I ask myself is the sitting with it like the whatever's occurring in your head is it getting you closer to your goal or further away? >> Yes. Right. >> That's just what I ask myself. like this conversation in my head going to get me closer and further away from my goals. And often times I think the ones that like the like ruminating or obsessing over the discomfort those are things where you get caught up in a narrative and that narrative is actually a narrative that's talking about how you cannot accomplish the thing because you don't just like sit with the feelings you tell a story about them too and so it's like it's taking you away from your goal versus

24:33>> other one is like I'm really uncomfortable right now but I also know that this is part of the process. I'm really excited to get to the other side. That's a narrative that's getting towards your goal. >> God, that's so good. That's so good. >> Coming up. [music] Oh, he says he loves me. He says he respects me. He told me that he was sorry. >> Shut the [ __ ] up. He's [ __ ] cheating on you. He's [ __ ] spending your [ __ ] money. You're [ __ ] paying for all this [ __ ] And he's [ __ ] [ __ ] all these [ __ ] on boats. Like,

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26:00Okay, so now people have listened to the steps. They're going to go out and they're going to try them. They're going to slowly build their confidence. As you start to go on that path of really feeling good about yourself, sometimes someone can enter your environment and they can say something and all the work that you've ever done, they just shut you down right there and then because let's say they've triggered something in you or they tried to dominate you. And so as you're on your path of building your confidence that comes in like a tornado and now you kind of feel like you're at square one and you have spoken about the six tactics that you did in order to gain respect and you actually say that respect starts with you is number one. So talk to me about that because I think a lot of people I'm going to be honest. [laughter] Oh my god. So when I thought I'm going to make them respect me no one gets to disrespect me, [laughter] right? Like I came in with that attitude doesn't [ __ ] work.

26:52>> Yeah. Oh, 100%. >> So, talk to me about that. It actually starts with you and not them. >> Yeah. Um, so I'll be honest, like I think I've had an aversion to the like [ __ ] respect me, you know, blah, because I think it's like >> it doesn't bloody work. >> It doesn't work. And if you're so upset with people not respecting you that you have to almost like demand it, then it's like it's controlling you either way.

27:20>> Yeah. And so when I think about people being in relationships where people do not respect them, people being in friendships where people don't respect them, and something that I've always hated, it's always felt bad to me. Um, and by the way, this is regardless of like people, some people being really [ __ ] disrespectful to me. Um, it's like I never want to talk [ __ ] about them. I never want to make them out to be a bad person. So I've always like taken the the approach of like how do I take responsibility for this? How do I create the conditions to which it's easy to respect me? How do I make it easy to respect me as a person? And when I think about respect, starting with me, it's really hard to disrespect somebody who really respects themselves because you model the behavior for which other people can model to you. But something that I realized is I was like, you know, we would have when we first started our team 10 years ago and we were, you know, partners running a business together. Um, I would have somebody ask me a question that was so I'll just be honest. Like I was like, "You're [ __ ] asking me about like this file that you can't find in Google Drive and the [ __ ] CEO of the company." I'm like, "What the [ __ ] is this? Is a waste of my [ __ ] time. I don't give a shit." Like, that was how I felt. Nobody would ever ask him.

28:33>> Uhhuh. >> Now, why is that? >> You could say, "Oh, is he a guy?" I don't think so. I said, "I'm not going to assume that." I was like, how does he show up in ways and respect himself, respect his time in ways that I don't? Well, Alex, when he says that he's going to block time for this thing he's going to work on, it does not matter what meeting you want to put on his calendar, he's not going to put it on his calendar. That's one. If you message him about something that's beneath his role, he'll just forward it to somebody else.

28:59He's not even respond to you. And so, what I realized, I said, "Okay, well, that's really interesting. I wonder if I did some of those things, what would happen?" What were you doing before then? >> If somebody would reach out to me, can we do this? I know you're off today, but can I get this call with you? Can we do this? Can we move this thing? I know you have you're supposed to be at the gym at this time in the morning, but we really need to do this thing with you. I would concede. I'd be like, "Okay, yeah, you know, I want to be the people's leader. Like, I want to do these things, but so like, shouldn't they respect me enough to like give me my peace and my time?

29:28Like, come on. Like, I I work so hard." No. It was not until I started doing it that people then followed suit. And I saw it play out so viscerally in my life. I'm like, "Oh, I respect myself enough to hold my boundaries, to say no to things I don't want to do, to know that um I need to put systems in place to maintain my self-respect." Right? And then I realized that every time I was conceding, I was saying yes to something I didn't want to. I was adjusting for somebody else's schedule. I was I lost respect for myself also. And so it was like this self-propelling thing where I didn't respect how I was working, how I was showing up, and other people didn't either. Now I feel really good saying no to people. I feel really good telling people what's okay and what's not okay because it's not just teaching them how to respect me. It's me modeling it. I'm modeling it and I'm showing myself. I'm training myself what's acceptable for me.

30:24>> I have a somewhat similar story at Quest as we were building it. I make people tea. I'm Greek. We we feed people. We give them drinks and we give them food. And so every single time people would come in, whether they were influencers or other companies, like I was always offering them tea. And then one day someone asked me to make tea. I'm like turned to Tom. I'm like, "Am I the bloody tea lady? What the hell?" And he goes, "Do you not make people tea every single time they come?" I was like, "Yes." He goes, "Why the hell do you expect them to think of you as anything else?" I was like,

30:53>> "Yeah, >> so true." And that in that moment, I said, "Look, Lisa, if you what is your goal? how do you want to be treated and then act in accordance to that >> 100%. And so it's like almost like you think about a parent modeling for their children. If I were my parent, right, how would I teach me to model self-respect? >> And then that also becomes the model at which like how we show ourselves respect is how other people will show us respect. They're going to watch what you do. Nobody is ever going to come up to Alex and say, "Can you make me brownies?

31:24Can you get me something to eat? [laughter] Hey, do you know what uh what food that the building's going to have for lunch on Thursday? No. Like he'd be like, are you [ __ ] kidding me? They wouldn't even ask. They'd be terrified. Right. So, it is interesting because it's like I I see it as like the first step is just understanding it all starts with us. >> I want to point this out. It's very emotionally sober of you to not go, it's cuz he's a guy and I'm a woman. Cuz I think I would have done that. In fact, I think I did do that. I was like, why are they turning to me for tea? Is it cuz I'm a woman? He goes, no. When was the last time you saw me make them tea? So, I actually love that you were able to do that because it's actually a bit of an easy excuse for me to say that people are doing it because I'm a woman. Um, look, I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people treat you a way specifically because you are a woman, but you could have got stuck, right? You could have got stuck and like, well, he's a guy and now you've never learned and you've never grown.

32:10You've never been able to come to the point where you are now. >> 100%. And I think the question to ask is like, >> is this useful? No. >> Is it a useful thought? >> No. because I can't change that. Is it a useful thought to think maybe there is some differences because he's a guy, but are there things I could learn? That's useful. So, I ask myself those things like even if it's true or could be true, is it useful to me? And if it's not useful, like [ __ ] it. I'll just replace it with a thought that is. You know what I mean?

32:39>> Dude, I love you so much. Okay. So, then you got number two on uh the tactics that you use to make someone respect you in any situation. Number two is measure people by what they cost you, not what they say. >> Yeah. Um I think that a lot of people maintain relationships that aren't good for them as in they don't make your life better because they say a lot of things to you but their actions don't uphold.

33:08And so most people they get into a relationship for example, oh he says he loves me, he says he respects me. He told me that he was sorry, but shut the [ __ ] up. He's [ __ ] cheating on you. He's [ __ ] spending your [ __ ] money. You're [ __ ] paying for all this [ __ ] And he's [ __ ] [ __ ] all these [ __ ] on boats. Like, I literally know girls in these relationships. Oh, well, he said he was sorry. I don't give a [ __ ] Show me your [ __ ] apology. So, when people say they're like, "Say you're sorry." I'm like, "Show that you're sorry."

33:35>> It's not about saying anything. words, they are so cheap and you can use them so loosely and they are in my opinion meaningless to a degree. Um like when I look at how do you want to know that somebody loves you? How do you want to know that somebody respects you? Well, how much will they sacrifice to maintain a relationship with you? People come to me all the time like well they said they're sorry they said I'll get promoted one day. They said we'll do this. They said, "But there's zero action, accountability, or followup to accomplish those things. Show me the [ __ ] plan. Show me the the money you're going to spend on this thing.

34:11Show me the investment. Show me the sacrifice. Show me what you're not going to do." What behaviors do they exhibit or not exhibit to maintain a relationship with you? That tells you if they respect you, not what they say. And it is. There are so many people that are so good at talking their way out of [ __ ] Saying sorry, kissing ass, buying you flowers. flowers and [ __ ] [ __ ] $30. Throw this. What the [ __ ] Like I remember my friend one time, her boyfriend like literally told her, he was like, "I don't want you to be more successful than me."

34:40>> Oh god. >> I know. And I was like, "Girl, I don't say this to people, but you need to [ __ ] leave him." Then later, what's he do? >> Buy her flowers. >> He buys her, you know, $35 bouquet. And she was like, "Oh my god, but he bought me flowers." I'm like, "So he spent $35 on you and you're like, "Maybe I should spend my life with him." somebody who doesn't want me to accomplish my goals because he bought me a $35 bouquet.

35:04>> No. If he wants to change this, um, [ __ ] propose, move in. Like, show me you support me. Help me. Like, sacrifice some of your time to help me accomplish my dreams. That shows me you support me. How do I know Alex supports me? He will literally stop anything on his schedule, cancel anything when I need him to help me. That's support. It's not saying, "Oh, good job. I support you. Oh, by the way, [ __ ] off. I'm busy. Oh, by the way, [ __ ] off. I hope you don't make more money than me. Oh, by the way, [ __ ] off.

35:34Blah, blah, blah. And it's like that plus friendships. I mean, it's the same thing in friendships. The amount of people who they're like, well, you know, we're really good friends. She's just like, she talked [ __ ] about me to my group of friends, but like she said she was sorry and she like apologized and we went and did shopping and I was like, what is this toxic [ __ ] You know what I mean? Like, so basically what happens is you've trained her that every time she talks badly about you, all she has to do is say she's sorry and kiss your ass for 20 minutes and then it resolves. So she's never going to stop talking bad about you. She just knows that in order to resolve it, she's got to say something for 20 minutes, kiss your ass, and then she goes back into the cycle.

36:12>> And so you have to measure people by what if they sacrifice to maintain a relationship with me? Like really ask yourself those questions. And if it's not very much or they haven't done [ __ ] this is their uh manipulation tactic to maintain a relationship and it's working because you're allowing it to work. And I think we do that with so many people that disrespect us and that us maintaining those relationships actually degrades our self-respect

36:38>> because there we know internally like there's something misaligned. >> Yeah. All right. So, we're going to go to number three. Self-respect is a system, not a feeling. Um, and you say there are daily behaviors that actually build self-respect. And number one is keep your [ __ ] word to yourself. >> Yeah. >> How often do we actually not keep the word our word to ourselves? >> Gosh, I think a lot. But when it comes to the system, I think about it like a lot of people think that self-respect is um something you get, whereas I think it's something that you do, right?

37:10Because how do you measure self-respect, confidence, um, discipline, all these things? Most people talk about them like they're feelings, but actually you can look at somebody and say that they respect themselves because of their actions. So, but yet when we try to teach ourselves selfrespect, we think it's teaching a feeling. >> Oh, that's so true. >> Yeah. >> And so, it's actually teaching an action. >> Uhhuh.

37:35>> And so, what are things I can do every day to know that I'm going to respect myself? Well, for me, respecting myself means putting a system in place that allows me to operate uh within my values on a daily basis and accomplishing my goals. Like I meditate when I wake up in the morning. I do these like little practices I have of like journaling some of the stuff that's on my mind. And then I actually don't check my phone first thing. I delay that because I know that's good for me, right? To delay looking at it. That's one thing I do.

38:05Another system I have for self-respect is knowing that I have something I'm going to do every day to move my body. If I keep that promise to myself, it's like building up this self-respect narrative. Next thing would be is holding boundaries. You know what's something I think is like every day is people are constantly asking for my time. And it's really easy to go from like okay I work you know eight hours, nine hours a day to like I work and now booked for 12 or 14 hours a day. I lose respect for myself when I do that. And so, you know, respecting myself and the system I have is saying I don't book outside these windows. It just makes it easy for me. And so, I think that you can make it easy for yourself if you identify what are the things that I do most of the time that make me respect myself less or make me lose respect for myself.

38:51>> I would say like the top three things like you could put like a non-negotiable, you can make it a rule, you can make it a habit. What is something that I can do to combat each of those on a daily basis so that I know that when I show up every day I am respecting myself? >> Do you have the three things that you do that you actually were disrespecting yourself and how you had to combat it? >> A huge one is um time. So overcommitting myself and letting people cross my boundaries like it's I I mean I used to be so frustrated with my team and with my even my administrative team of like why are they overbooking me? Why are people constantly asking me to meet at all times a day? Why are Oh, why are you saying yes, [ __ ] [laughter] The [ __ ] Like, it's your [ __ ] life. What?

39:34Like, you're teaching them that this is okay. You know what I mean? >> I lose a lot of respect for myself when I don't do that. Because when I don't have the time to take care of myself and then I don't feel like I'm living in line with my values because it's really important to me that I show up well every day for my team and for my business. And if I don't keep that time for myself and the other areas of my life, I don't show up well for my business, which then makes me respect myself less.

39:59>> Oh, that's so good. And for me, because I can get trapped in like, oh, but I feel bad for saying no. Like literally yesterday, someone asked for my time and I have my whole day regimented. I was like, from this time, from this time, I'm going to prep for, you know, today's episode. I'm like, no one's going to disturb me. From this time, this time I'm going to do post-production of this episode. And someone came to me like, have you got a real quick second? I went, no. And they're like, okay, no problem. and he walked away. Dude, for like an hour, I felt so freaking bad that I said no to the guy.

40:27>> But then at the end of the day, I got things done. I was proud that I hit my deadlines. And so going to this respect thing, I think knowing what you're like. >> Yeah. >> Accepting what you're like and then giving yourself like a script to be like, "Okay, next time when someone does this, you know, you're going to feel guilty. So therefore, say no. Don't apologize for the next 3 hours. Don't speak to that person. and just kind of put in a plan. Going back to the plan, I would put in a plan because I absolutely will get lived by emotion, my emotions.

40:56And that was the one thing for me that helped change my life. If I have a plan, >> Yeah. >> [ __ ] my mood, follow the plan. >> Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. >> As emotions. >> 100%. And you know, it's funny as you say that. This is something I I realized not even that long ago is that most people would rather violate their own self-respect than feel guilty. It's so common with women. Oh, I'd feel guilty. I'd feel bad. So, most people's lives, the reason they don't respect themselves is because they're more uncomfortable with holding the feeling of guilt.

41:29So, I realized this, I'll tell you. Um, this was like gosh, it was about a month ago. Um, I had somebody I had a a business relationship and this person was asking me to do something. We're working on something together. Um, and they said, "I would like you to to do this and we'll do this." and I said, "No, I don't want to do that." Like, it was 100% not aligned with my values and not something I want to dedicate my time to, but I've had a relationship with this person for six years. And so, it was really hard for me. Um, that person on that call asked me the same question 23 times [gasps]

42:03>> because they didn't take no for an answer. >> They wouldn't take no. And every time it was like the most exaggerated situation of having to just sit with the guilt, I felt so bad. They were like, "Without you doing this, like this could not work. this could this all these things that would go wrong which by the way affects me too and so while I'm having this conversation I'm thinking like why does I feel really bad I'm I'm hot I feel elevated my heart rate's up and I'm like oh I feel so guilty

42:29>> I can't let guilt control this and I just kept saying no and I realized I was like oh wow how much does that control my life and I think I I looked back at so many things that had been so hard for me and I realized that So many things that stopped me from respecting myself were because I didn't want to feel guilt with other people. It's like I was more aversive to the feeling of guilt than I was of the feeling of self-respect. Like it's almost like I was more comfortable with disrespecting myself than I was with feeling guilty.

43:00>> It's crazy, dude. That was amazing. Now, when you feel the guilt and you recognize it guilt, how did you make sure that you then stayed strong in your conviction? Because he keeps asking >> and you genuinely like the person. So, it's not like an [ __ ] It's someone that's legitimately trying like but we you think you're amazing yourself. >> Yeah. >> And you keep saying no. How the hell did you stay so strong in your conviction to stay on the word low? [sighs]

43:25>> I think that a lot of success comes down to having a good script. And then so all I kept saying is I have this my script for when I need to decline somebody is I'm so sorry but the decision's already been made. >> OH, THAT'S SO GOOD >> because it leaves no room. And it also feels like empathetic like I I can acknowledge that this feels bad for you. I'm so sorry, but it also respects me, but the decision's been made. That's my script. So, it's like when I've terminated people,

43:51>> I'm so sorry, but the decision's been made. Like, literally, when I have to break up a business relationship, I'm so sorry the decision's been made. When I have to let someone down from not doing an event for them, I'm so sorry the decision's been made. Like, it's just my script. And so, I think a lot of people think that they don't have the skill, but they do have the skill. They just don't have the script. >> Oh my god, that's so good. Okay. Um so we are on the self-respect as a system. So we had the daily behaviors. So keeping your [ __ ] word to yourself absolutely important. Another daily behavior under the selfres respect system is leave the environment that makes you behave out of alignment.

44:25>> Yeah. You want to engineer an environment that makes it easy to respect yourself, not hard. A lot of people come to me and they'll say like Ila, I'm doing all these things for self-respect. I'm, you know, practicing this. I'm doing this. But the people that they're surrounded with, they've got people who have no values or they have opposing values. They've got people who are not just disrespecting them, but constantly, you know, like mentally beating them up on a daily basis.

44:52They've got, you know, a boss who is demeaning and speaks down to them. And so it's like you keep filling your cup up 50% every day, but then your environment, those people are it's like a leaky bucket that depletes that 50% every day. So you just kind of stay at neutral. And so I'm like, listen, if you want to get ahead, you have to look at the environment. And so the environment is the, you know, circumstances and it's the people that surround you. So it can be like the job you're in, your boss, your friends, your relationships, those are all make up your environment. It could be the city you live in, the house you're in. Um, and it's just asking yourself, do these people and do these does this environment make it easy for me to respect myself? And if not, which one would provide me with like the highest return if I changed it?

45:39>> Which one would give me the most bang for my buck? You know what I mean? Um, but it is really hard to maintain a new behavior if you're not rewarded for it by other people. So, >> it works if we do it to ourselves. It works on average seven times faster if other people do it to us. >> Wow. It's seven times faster. It's kind of like when someone's trying to lose weight in a house and the other person won't change their diet and so they're always trying to convince you to go to a bad restaurant and eat bad and you're like you're not going to have the cake today. But the cake is always our thing that we do. This is like our date night.

46:14And now going back to the guilt. Oh my god. The guilt >> 100%. >> Yeah. Oh god. All right. So now we're going to go move to number three is choose discomfort over self-abandonment. I think you addressed that earlier. Number four, speak truthfully without emotionally vomiting. >> Something that I think about a lot is, okay, um I want to be honest with people, but I don't need to tell them. It's almost like using discretion. I don't need to emotionally vomit all over people about how I'm feeling about this thing at this point in time because that doesn't help me respect myself more anyways. And so I look at just like state the facts and tell the truth. Like often times um people overcompensate when they're working through something.

46:56So they'll overexlain, they'll overcompensate, they'll overeotion versus just like state the facts, tell the truth. I can't do that because I've decided that I don't do that anymore. I can't go to dinner with you because I've decided that I don't go out and drink like that anymore. I can't do this because it's just like a sentence. And something that I see with a lot of people when they're trying to gain self-respect is that they overengineer, overexlain, overthink, and overcompensate for this thing that is actually not very complicated at all.

47:26And in doing that, they actually lose respect for themselves because they show up like this like insecure, not respecting yourself, rather than just like, you don't need to explain anything more. You can just say it. In fact, you can just do things because you want to do things. You can say things because you want to say things and you don't owe people an explanation. Uh, you know, I tell people I'm like, you need to be okay not overexlaining and not emotionally vomiting on people all the things that you feel because you've said no right now

47:54>> because that also doesn't help them respect you more. That is not getting us towards the goal. >> And so some of it's like learning that the the easy way is actually the more simple way which is just like state the facts, tell the truth, and move on. And the script for you is the thing that allows you to not get in your emotions [snorts] because when you're in your emotions, they feel real. They feel like facts. And I'm going to tell you the fact that I feel hurt. >> Yeah. >> It's not really a fact. It's an emotion. So, is it that okay, if I go into a situation, I remember these scripts.

48:22That way, my natural inclination, if it's emotional vomiting, I've got these scripts to kind of bypass it. >> The scripts are incredibly helpful. I think the second thing is that you can exit the situation, which is like you're allowed to take a two-minute break. You're allowed to say, "I need to come back to this." You're allowed to say, "Can I get back to you later?" Like, if somebody's asking you to do something that violates your self-respect, you can say, "Let me get back to you in 5 minutes. >> Let me get back to you tomorrow." Like, if somebody's asking you to do something um and commit to something that would violate your boundaries, you can say, "Uh, let me get back to you in 24 hours." There's things you can do to like put space between when the emotion arises and when you have to react to the situation. Just because somebody wants an answer from you in this moment does not mean that you need to give it to them. And I think that that's like a revelation for a lot of people. It's like, "Oh my god, but they're standing here asking me right now." I cannot tell you how many times Alex comes to me at 5:30 or 6:30 p.m.

49:15when I have had a full day of work and I'm like, "My brain juice is on low and he asks me to make a very big decision." >> And you know what I say? Oh, >> uh, I'll get back to you tomorrow. >> Oh, that's good. >> Because I don't respect myself when I make decisions when I'm tired, when I'm stressed, when I'm hungry, when I'm all these things because I know that I'm going to probably backtrack. I also know that I don't do my think best thinking when somebody asks me on the spot and so I'm going to go do this instead. That's one example. Um, another example can be, you know, when somebody disrespects you, right? I had a guy and I was on a phone call, this is like seven years ago with Alex. And you know, me and Alex are 50-50 partners in the business. And this guy starts talking. He was a complete dick. We're looking at doing a deal with him. And I said something. I was like, "Well, can you tell me about this piece of the deal that you were explaining? I do not the numbers are not matching on these two sides."

50:04>> And then he literally said, he was like, "Excuse me, sweetie. Who are you this [ __ ] secretary?" And I was like, "No, I am the CEO and co-founder of this company." Which, by the way, my secretary's on this call, too. [ __ ] ass. And he was like, "Uh, >> did you call him a [ __ ] ass?" >> No. >> Didn't you want to, though? How did you not? >> I know. It was mental. Uh, >> that's what I'm saying. How did you emotionally react to it?

50:29>> Yeah. I I would say it like this. You approach it like an experiment, which is like, I'm just going to try for once not responding, which in that moment I didn't, right? I did not respond to this. I'm like, I'm not responding to this. Whatever. >> How did I feel the next day? >> I felt proud of myself. >> Oh. For not responding. >> I did. >> Because he does not owe my emotional response. Like he doesn't deserve it.

50:53When somebody disrespects you, you serving them back with an emotional response is often what they want. And if anything, it's going to escalate the situation. >> And does getting in a fight with somebody make you respect yourself more or less? >> Less. >> Less. Does walking away make you respect yourself more or less? >> More. >> More. >> As long as you're not storming out, slamming the door, and screaming. >> Yeah. I think there's there's safe exits. I'll be back in 5 minutes. I'm going to go on a walk and I'll be back by 6:15. Like if me and Alex get in an argument like or we're like feeling like it's starting, one of us will go on a walk and we'll say like, I'll be back at 6:15. Even though we're like, I'll be back at 6:15. [laughter]

51:29>> I'm going to >> because it's like I want to give my partner safety knowing that I will be back. But this is we need to separate at this point. >> Yeah. Same thing goes for any of those situations. Maintaining your self-respect under pressure is often just removing yourself from a high pressure situation long enough to collect a response and say, "How do I want to respond to this?" >> And then responding in a way that helps you, makes you respect yourself more, not less, which requires patience, the ability to tolerate feeling bad and guilty, and the ability to tolerate disconnection. Oh,

51:59>> a lot of people maintain these like you can call them a toxic relationship because they don't do well tolerating the feeling of being disconnected from somebody, a friend, a co-orker, a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. They don't like feeling lonely. They don't like feeling isolated. And so, because of that, they would rather fight than feel alone. Versus, if you walk away in that moment, you're going to feel lonely and disconnected.

52:26>> You're going to feel scared. You're going to feel anxious, right? But you're trading that for the next day and the following days. You're going to feel good about yourself. You're going to feel more confident. You're going to feel like, you know what, I am somebody who respects myself enough to lead those situations. And also, I respect myself enough not to be somebody who calls somebody names. >> Right. Yeah. To not lower the bar. >> Yeah. >> All right, girls. So, we're now the six tactics to make anyone respect you at any time. Well, number four, which respect requires consequences, not conversations.

52:58>> Yeah. So, what behaviors do I enact when somebody violates respect? And I get this all the time. It's like, Ila, I don't know if I should be with this guy. I don't know if I should be in this relationship. Like, he doesn't respect me. I say, "Okay, well, what does he do that's disrespectful?" Well, we get in these arguments and he calls me these names. We uh fight about this and we fight about Okay. Well, what what do you do when he says those things to you?

53:23Well, I tell him he's this and I say that this and I I say I say I say I talk, but what do you do? Do you leave? Do you say we need to take a break? Like you're training them that they're going to get talk back, which has essentially no consequences besides just elevating your cortisol levels. And [laughter] so you have to look at it like if somebody violates the self-respect, something has to get taken away. So I'll tell you something I do. Um when somebody says something to me that's disrespectful.

53:56This is going to sound tough. I ignore them. >> You ignore that they said the thing that was disrespectful or you ignore them as a human as if they don't exist in the room. >> I ignore the thing they said is disrespectful. >> Oh. If it's in, so I'll tell you when it happens in my workplace, when somebody says something to me that's disrespectful, I'll do one of two things, which is if it's in a group, for example, where other people heard it and it was just far the line, I say, "I can't accept you saying that, and I'm going to need you to leave the room."

54:26So, I will exit them from the situation. The other is if somebody says something to me. I've had I can think of three times in the last two years I've had somebody say like a joke or like an undercutting thing passive aggressive to me in a meeting in front of my team. I pretend like I didn't even hear them. Why? Because most people say things to get a response out of us for something. They want us to engage with them. And I ask myself in those moments, I say, if I retaliate in front of my team, what am I teaching them? Right? Do I really want to showcase how [ __ ] aggressive I can be in front of my whole team and scare everybody? No. Um, do I want to condone this behavior by engaging and laughing at it? No. What do I want to show them?

55:05I respect myself so much and I respect this room that I will literally look at somebody and then I will just completely carry on a different conversation. How the hell do you do that? Because I'm just going to be honest. I was a person that would take it. I would ignore it because I was too weak. I was insecure. So, I was like, well, what am I going to do? So I got to start my confidence and I was like no one gets to treat me like that.

55:33So when someone disrespects me, it's kind of like I feel like I'm fighting for that 13year-old Lisa that never had a voice. And so in that moment when I'm getting disrespected, I can't help but big dog someone and be like, >> "I'm sorry, what did you say?" >> Yeah. >> Did you really say that? Do you want to go there? Like I'll try to bring the intensess to the point that they made so they can't hide. So please for the love of God teach me how the hell you just don't say anything because you got it from

56:02>> one more thing. How you don't say anything and then how you don't let it erode your confidence because that's what would happen to me. I would then go home and be like you don't [ __ ] stick up for yourself, Lisa. And so now I feel bad and I have less confidence than I did before. You shouldn't because the way the behavior works is that if you ignore it, it goes away. So I ask myself this question. One, what do I want to have happen? I want them to stop doing this. How do you get somebody to stop a behavior? You can punish it or you can extinguish it.

56:31>> So there's two types of consequences. One gets the behavior to die. The second gets them to fear the behavior. >> So you do the one that gets them to fear it, right? The one I do is I get them to Oh gosh. And it extinguishes. >> Does it really? Then it works. 100%. And I have never had somebody not realize what I did. They've always come to me and been like, "I can't believe I said that to you." And I feel like that was really inappropriate. And I know that you ignored me because it was inappropriate.

56:56>> And I'm like, "Yeah, are you going to do that again?" And then they're like, "No." I'm like, "Okay." >> All right. >> Do you understand why I ignored it? So, >> all right. So, take me through that day. So, someone says something, you're standing there. >> It's essentially when you provide no stimulus to a a reaction, it's just what no matter what you do, they'll stop doing. It's like um oftentimes when people do things that are disrespectful, it's because they want your attention in some way. Think about how often somebody does something and they say something that's rude. It's cutting. It's disrespectful because they want [ __ ] attention from you.

57:28>> Oh, it's so funny. I don't think of it as attention. You're 100% right. I don't think of it in the moment. In the moment, I think they're just trying to take me down a notch >> or they want attention from other people around. >> Somebody leaves a bad comment on your page. Think about this, right? So, they leave a shitty comment under this video. They want attention from maybe us, but everybody else is watching. If I respond to that comment, what happens? Everybody else looks more. So, if I'm in a group setting with my team and I respond to this [ __ ] person that says this shitty comment to me, I divert everyone else's attention to that person, too.

57:58And now they get what they want, which is a reaction. >> Now, also, I would think about like this. Um, I can't remember who it was. So, Eminem was in this like epic fight with another rapper. I'm pretty sure it was when he was in a fight with MGK and they came up to him during an interview and they said MGK made this remark about how you said XY and Z blah blah blah. Like what would you say? You know what he says? He goes who [laughter] >> that's so good. Oh my god, that's so good.

58:26>> Like and I remember thinking that was the most epic response of all time. >> Like he didn't talk [ __ ] He didn't He's just like >> respect. >> Respect. And so like I I always say I'm like it's the Eminem who move. It's just like I'm not going to pay no mind to it because it doesn't deserve my attention or anybody else's. If you keep responding and reinforcing the behavior with words, it's going to keep happening. And a lot of people stay in these vicious cycles because they keep feeding the other person with these words that are meaningless. It only takes one person to change their behavior to change the relationships dynamic. And so, you have to say, "I'm going to be that person to do it, and here's how I'm going to do it."

59:02>> Dude, that's so good. I'm still going to try that technique, by the way. I'll let you know how it goes. Yeah, [laughter] Lisa's just gonna be standing looking at everyone. She gonna be like, why is she talking anymore? [laughter] >> Lay told me. >> Um, all right. So, now we got number five. Mastering your emotions is one of the highest forms of self-respect. >> So, when I say mastering your emotions, I think it's learning to I think that a lot of us are raised with really maladaptive relationships to emotions.

59:30Like, we're taught that negative emotions are bad. Like, we literally call them negative. >> I was [laughter] going to say, yeah, in the word It's just like it's an emotion and I've had to form a new relationship with them which is negative doesn't mean bad >> like having feeling guilty, feeling angry, feeling anxious, feeling stressed. >> I don't have to be at odds with them. I ask people, I tell me all the good things anxiety does for you. Tell me all the good things fear does for you. Tell me all the good things anger does for you. Does a lot of good stuff. It's motivating. It can get you to do a lot of stuff. It can get you to accomplish a lot in your life. it can lead to a lot easier time disciplining yourself. Like there's a lot of good things it does. So I would say that in order to master them first you have to work with them not against them by not trying to get rid of them acknowledging them and then acting in accordance with my values no matter what emotion is present. So when I acknowledge it I think like a quick thing you can do is just like well what am I feeling right now physically? What sensation of emotion is running through my body? Okay anxiety, apprehension uh feeling a little worried today. Okay, got it. Um, but what was my plan? I kind of check in with the emotional side and then I'm like, okay, understood. This is kind of where you're at today. I'm like, okay, but what was the plan? I can still act with the sensation there. I don't need to get rid of it to take action. I can have it exist in my body. I have space for it. And I can still do the thing. I can still respect myself. I can still hold my boundaries. I can still have the conversation. I can still do the thing. I haven't once let somebody go, had a hard conversation with somebody, uh, held a boundary with a friend, held a boundary in a negotiation without feeling those feelings. I don't need them to go away in order to accomplish my goals. And I think that if you understand that, it becomes a lot easier to respect yourself.

1:01:16>> It's emotional sobriety versus emotional drunkness. And so when you think about I have in the past when I've drunk an alcohol after three shots I'm dancing on the table. I'm giggling. You give me the fourth shot I'm freaking on the floor passed out. >> Yeah. >> Think of that as emotions. If the passed out on the floor is the equivalent of exploding. Okay. Well, what's that first shot that you've taken of anger? What's that first shot or the second shot that maybe you've taken of frustration? So, if you can start to establish, okay, well, the first shot for me is the hot flush and feeling warm. The second shot is I'm starting to now feel my heart rate. Okay, well then, you know, by by shot number three, you're now you're you don't have emotional sobriety. So, leave like you said earlier, slowly walk out calmly instead of erupt. That analogy really helped me figure out on a spectrum where I was like, okay, you shot one, Lisa, or are you about shot three? because then it will help me navigate what actions I need to take

1:02:16>> 100%. >> So, I'd love to now go to the last one to tie all this together, girl. So, this is high respected people don't argue. I mean, I kind I think we kind of just like address that [laughter] go into that quiet, >> you know, the steps because you talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's interesting because I remember I have a an uncle that I met, it's probably about 13 years ago now and I met him in person and he had been through the gambit. like he had started a company um an oil and gas company uh in Iran.

1:02:45Revolution occurred like he got put in prison in prison for eight years in the Iranian prison. He then escaped from prison uh to the United States and then he escaped back there and then rebuilt his entire company. >> Whoa. >> And so he was like a multi-billionaire. And I remember walking into the room when I met him and he was sitting in a chair and like I've never had the feeling I had when I was around him. It was like this aura and it wasn't a presence that was like aggressive or authoritative. It was just complete nothing will bother me. Unwavering confidence and but not loud. And I remember we were at the dinner table and it's like this huge Iranian family, right? And they start arguing a little argument, right? And I'm watching him as everyone's arms flailing. It's like Iranian passion arguing [laughter] and he's just like this.

1:03:40>> And I remember thinking to myself, I was like, that's who I want to be. There's just not a version of self-respect that I've seen more than that. >> It was like he respected himself so much that he wasn't going to engage in a behavior that he didn't agree with. I don't agree with arguing. It doesn't bring us anywhere. does not resolve anything. In fact, when has an argument ever made my life better? Never. Disagreeing can. >> Uhhuh. >> Productive disagreement, right? Healthy disagreement, healthy concern. Those things can. Has arguing ever made me respect myself more. Not once. This is the the cycle of escalation and arguments. It's like one person says one thing, you feel like you've got to top them. You've got to the limit does not exist. [laughter] So, that's actually a fun one. It's like in, you know, behavior science like the limit actually doesn't exist. So like it'll keep going till like you slash their tires and try to blow up their house, whatever it might be. Right.

1:04:27>> Well, that's how the neighbors the neighbor wars. You hear those stories where all of a sudden they, you know, like Yeah. blown up the person's car and it started with your dog bark too loud. >> Exactly. And so I recognized that and I'm like, "Oh, I'm not even going to enter the arena." >> So good. >> Because an easy way to maintain self-respect is to not put yourself in situations where you could lose it. The easiest one is an argument. And I I totally agree with disagreeing with people. Like disagreements are healthy. We should disagree with people, but I do not think arguing gets us anywhere.

1:04:57>> So when someone's trying to escalate, so let's say you're having a disagreement, you're like, "It's healthy. We let's keep disagreeing like this is great." And then someone tries to ratchet up to put you in your place. What do you do? >> Um I just exit. >> So you that's the moment where you just So the So you'll only keep disagreeing with someone if it stays healthy. >> 100%. The moment they start to escalate, I literally just tell myself, "You don't need to win. We can have the relationship or we can have the argument. Do I want to win this argument with my husband or do I want to win this marriage?" I think about it like that.

1:05:30Do I want to win this argument with my co-orker or my employee or do I want to win this relationship and this long-term partnership we have? >> I literally ask myself that question every time and I'm like, I would take the relationship. I don't need to win at this. I don't need them to see what I see. And I don't need them and I don't always need my friends, family, and partner to agree with what I do. I don't I also don't need them to see my side every time. I also don't need them to think I'm right. I'm okay with being misunderstood even by the people I love the most. It's like, no, I would just rather say like, "Fuck it. Let them think what they think and we can come back to this. I will bridge this topic in another way on another day."

1:06:08So much of that response though comes back to the first the first part of this interview that we're talking about with the five tactics of building your confidence because a lot of people need to prove it to make them feel confident to make them feel good about themselves, right? So that's why you keep arguing. I'm going to prove that I'm right. But I think the fact that you've had built your confidence and now you you've really understood how to maintain your selfrespect so other people respect you or even if somebody's tried to ratchet up, you have the confidence in yourself to not fall into the trap. Whereas for me, as you were talking, I was like, that's why I think I fall into the trap sometimes because if you've touched on an insecurity of mine, yeah,

1:06:45>> I fall into the [ __ ] trap. And so my trap is being stupid. >> I mildly dyslexic. I'm an artist. my brother and sister whip it freaking smart. And so we would sit at the table and my dad would throw like math quizzes at us and I'd be like, so when I think about the idea of if someone's challenging me from a smart standpoint, I'm so [ __ ] insecure. Like it doesn't matter that I've sold a company worth a billion dollars. Like I still feel that little girl inside me hasn't grown. And that is the work that I do where it's like I'm aware this exists. I know where it comes from. I understand. I don't blame my dad. I don't blame my brother and sister. I just treat like that's the environment I grew up in. How do I handle myself now?

1:07:26>> I completely understand exactly what you're saying and can I tell you something that has helped me. So I realized this a good example is like I am the CEO of this very large company and my biggest deficit is math and it was about two weeks ago where I was working on this big project. The exec team is pretty strapped. So normally I would have like my CFO and my uh COO both review this thing. Didn't have either of them do it. And so I roll this thing out. I share it with three people.

1:07:54What happens? Well, one person basically was like, "This makes no absolutely no sense because of the math." And the other person's like, "This math doesn't add up. I'm so embarrassed." And literally just like I I just said to myself, I'm like, "I'm not going to not going to hold this. I'm not going to let this linger over me." And so what I say is I'm just like, "Oh yeah, not great at math." >> Owning. Yeah. I just and so one thing I think what happened to me at least like in order to gain confidence the one thing is like you're starting from zero trying to go to 10 shame brings you like a negative five if you want to get yourself from like a negative five to a zero is just shame only exists in the dark just say it just own the flaw it's like I'll tell people oh bad at math oh did this oh and I just say it like it's nothing

1:08:39>> even though it feels really different inside it doesn't feel good I'm on there and I'm so embarrassed in front of my very highly paid, very smart executive team that is way better at math than me. By the [ __ ] way, because I hire them because I'm not good at math, [laughter] >> but yet you still feel like you have to be just as good. >> 100%. And and I just say, "Oh, yeah, bad at math. Worst subject ever." And I said, you know, uh job security for you guys. [laughter] But but it helped me because I I said I was like, "Oh, this is something I really want to actually gain confidence in. I can't also feel shame." And so for me, it's like just owning it outright and being like, "Oh yeah, bad at that. Oh yeah, this." Like it's helped me so much.

1:09:18>> Yeah. All right, Leila. Girl, we're gonna move on to a game I'm calling what should a confident woman do? So, I'm going to read you some scenarios, some horrific scenarios where we get disrespected, and I want you to tell us what a confident woman should do. Are you ready? >> Okay. >> All right. So, we've got number one. He tells you, "You're overreacting when you express real concern." I would say, "I hear that you think I'm overreacting. The story that I'm telling myself about your response is that you don't care about me, and I'm feeling pretty upset, so I'm probably going to give myself five minutes, and then I'd like to come back to this conversation in five minutes or tomorrow."

1:09:55[laughter] >> That's so good. Oh my god. >> Can you tell I said that before? >> I was like, "You did that one really well. [laughter] That was so good." Okay, so here's another one. He gives you the silent treatment for two days and acts normal like nothing happened. [laughter] >> No. Um, >> just literally no. >> For me, somebody ignoring me in a relationship is a no.

1:10:20>> So, for me to respect myself, I would say if that was the first time it ever happened, I would say this isn't going to work for me in this relationship. I understand if you don't have an alternative of how you know how to respond in these situations when you're upset with me, but I can't do this silent treatment. So, if we do if this happens again, I'm going to have to remove myself from the situation because this is not a relationship that feels right to me.

1:10:47>> Going back to that's where you were saying about the consequences. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. That's so good. >> That's a that's a hard like I Yeah. No. >> Okay. He makes a joke that actually embarrasses you in front of people. >> Had that happen before. Um, I would in that situation not say anything in front. I would not acknowledge the joke. I would just >> and then afterwards I would in private pull them aside and say like, "Hey, you know, when you said this, um, I actually am pretty insecure about that." And so it made me really uncomfortable. I didn't think it was funny. In fact, I I kind of wanted to cry.

1:11:21>> Can you not do that again? I love the way you phrase that because you didn't say, "Hey, you did this thing and it hurt me." Like, you didn't do the blame. You just said, "I'm insecure." That's fascinating. That's such a good answer because now it doesn't get their backup. >> It's kind of like, "Oh my god, you're insecure. Oh [ __ ] I just made a joke. Oh god." >> The things that they make jokes about that I don't like are the things I'm insecure about.

1:11:46>> Oh yeah. All right. So, um, got another scenario. He calls you insecure or jealous when you bring up genuine concerns. I've actually never had someone say that to me, but if I were in that situation, I would say, "If you have concerns about how I feel, then please tell me you have concerns about how you I feel, but I cannot let you label me and call me names." Labels, especially with something that's negative, it's like insulting me, I would say. And so, like, that really triggers me. And so, going forward, tell me how you feel. Don't label me with those things because that's just going to make me mad. Don't label me. I like that. Okay. Okay, so now we're going to move on to toxic people.

1:12:22>> So, someone gives you a compliment followed by a dig. Here's an example. Wow, you look good today. You never dress like this. >> I've gotten this before I ignore. So, I extinguish that one. I hate that [ __ ] Passive aggressive [ __ ] >> Yeah. So, you literally just don't address it. >> I will just That's my face. [laughter] Love it. >> Yeah. >> All right. When someone shifts the blame. I didn't mean it that way. you misunderstood.

1:12:50>> Most of those times in those situations, I exit the situation right then because what I realize is that person is not open to a different perspective. >> And so that's like what I would call like a try again tomorrow type one. Like this conversation isn't going to get anywhere if this person's already trying to like gaslight me. And so I'll try again tomorrow. If it continues happening, then we have a problem. If it's a one-off, like I give a lot of credit to mood, hungry, tired, stressed, people say bad [ __ ] If you are able to manage stress management, it makes these things a lot easier. So, I would say like try again tomorrow, try again when they're in a different mood and see what happens.

1:13:25>> So, how would you respond in that moment? We just like kind of nod, not give much response, and then kind of move on, change subject. >> I will blame myself often be like, um, you know, I actually think I'd rather have this conversation at another time. >> Oh. >> And then they'll be like, why I don't even again don't need them to understand. Yeah, understood. Weird, right? Um, but I'd rather have it another time. >> So good. All right. Um, a person says, "Relax. I'm just being honest." After saying something that they know was hurtful.

1:13:53>> I will hold um and respond to that one by letting somebody know like um I hear what you're saying, but that actually really is not acceptable to me. So, I would prefer next time that you just be forthright with me. the forthright not forthright like dance doesn't work for me as a person and so I would just prefer you just be straight forward and tell me the truth and if you have something that you resent me for tell me that you resent me for something if you have something that you're upset with me for tell me that you're upset about me with something but like don't play the one foot in one foot out like little dance I don't do that

1:14:26>> you don't dance love it um they step closer and use a harsh tone to try and intimidate you here's an example do you really want to test me right now >> oh I wouldn't be in a relationship with that person. >> Let's say you're not even in a relationship. Let's say it's an acquaintance. >> Yeah. >> And you're in a discussion with them. Maybe you're a party and so it's not someone that you're even close to and they they are trying to intimidate you.

1:14:49>> Yeah. I've had people try and intimidate me in different ways and they want to make you feel small. They want to make you feel scared. I would just confidently walk away. Like, do you even want to be interacting with somebody who does that? I wouldn't. somebody trying to intimidate me with something like use the intimidation factor like that's so gross. >> You're so calm and collective because in that moment if someone was trying to like big dog me and especially if it was a guy and he's like puffing up his chest I would deliberately almost like be loud and put my hand up against his chest and be like hey you're invading my space right now. Like I think I would want to make a statement of you don't get to do that to me. There's something so freaking calm and collective though about the way you handle [ __ ] girl. When I was a a kid, my mom had lots of like guys come in and out of the house that she was dating. And I remember I would like try in the beginning yelling at them and being like, "You need to [ __ ] leave." And blah blah cuz my mom was an alcoholic. And then one day one of them came in and he like let himself in the door. And my mom was like pretty drunk and I was like, "You need to leave." I was like 11. And he was like, "What?" And I was like, "If you don't leave right now, I'm going to call the cops or get a gun." So, if I were you, I would leave. That guy left immediately.

1:16:05And I didn't say it in a mean way. I didn't yell at the guy. I didn't like get up in him. I was just like, "If you don't leave, I'm going to call the cops. I'm going to get a gun. So, leave." >> And I realized I was like, "State the facts, tell the truth." [laughter] >> And I remember like that was a very like that moment is seared into my mind. And seeing how it worked was like I did not display force. I did not I just think he knew I was serious. And so in situations like that, like I don't try and intimidate or anything. I just tell people what I'm going to do. And I think that also I think people believe more that I will actually do something when it's clear that I'm not elevated.

1:16:40>> So it worked for me and I think I've just like continued doing that. >> That's so powerful. Again, I think I there's a part of me that just feels like I never stuck up for myself for so many years and now that I don't have the fear of sticking up for myself. Like I think maybe sometimes I literally like overcompetate. Yeah, that's I overcompensate on other stuff. You know what I mean? >> Yeah, it's true. All right, so now we've got um someone shares your personal story without permission. You address it and they say, "Well, I didn't think it was a big deal."

1:17:10>> Um I understand that. >> I'll be real. Um because I think that for a lot of people that's not a big deal >> and they genuinely believe that. And so I would just say like that's a resetting of expectations in the relationship which is like I understand that you didn't think that was. let me explain to you what I think is off the table. Now, I would explain that to this person. The second thing I would say is like, do I want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have share the same understanding of confidentiality with me based on if for me, especially right now, based on my life, I'd be like, "Yeah, no, I'm good." Like, like, I'll just find somebody else.

1:17:41>> What if you told them not to tell anyone? So, they did know that they shouldn't say anything. >> Oh, I would just I would just stop talking to them. I've had that happen. Oh, >> and I don't want to fight with them. I don't want to do the whole like, let me tell you why we're not going to be friends. I just stop talking to them now. It's like I used to think, oh, that's like avoiding. It's not in this instance for me. I'm not avoiding it. I don't want to engage because once I've realized that person has like crossed a boundary that like this relationship isn't going to work. I try and just extinguish the relationship rather than end it with the the verbal consequence.

1:18:18>> Okay. All right. Your family member comments on your body every single time you see them. Here's an example. My haven't you just put on weight? >> I would say um I understand that you feel okay bringing up the fact that I've gained weight, but if you keep bringing it up and if you want to bring it up again, that's okay. You can bring it up to other people, but I won't be around you. And so if we want to keep seeing each other, then you can't keep telling me these things because it doesn't work for me. feels disrespectful and it's not I don't want to hang out with people who talk about my weight. That's not important to me. Um and then if they do it again then you're like great. I guess I'm not going to see you for Christmas.

1:18:55>> Wow. That's so that's such a strong statement and that you got some big freaking balls which I love. >> Um >> it's still really hard there especially like if it's family or if it's someone that you've been with. Let's say you've been with a partner for a really long time when the toxicity just continues. A couple of things happen. you end up kind of acquiescing or you just like become um numb to it and so you don't really think about it as being toxicity because you just get it all the time. So that's that's why I I'd love for you to help us think through this because those are the moments where people will stay for the rest of their lives. They'll they'll accept the toxicity um because you start to spiral. Maybe you get in your emotions. I don't want to be alone. If it's your partner, well what if it's my parent? They're going to pass away so I should you know like I've only got one mom. I've only got one dad. And I've heard you talk about the story. So you mentioned a bit your mom earlier. Um I've heard you talk about the story where it just became too toxic and your mom was blaming you for her alcoholism and so you ended up just saying, "I'm not going to see you again."

1:19:55>> Yeah. >> If you don't mind sharing that story and how you emotionally process this because a lot of people stay again whether it's a partner or a parent, they just stay because of the guilt, the shame, the what if. So, if you don't mind explaining the story and how you came to the conclusion and what that did to your confidence. >> Yeah. You know, I lived with my mother for gosh, I think it was five, six years, six years that she was an alcoholic and did drugs and like all sorts of stuff. Um, and I kept it a secret from my dad and from everyone else because, you know, before they got divorced and I was like, who will take care of my mom because now she's not really able to take care of herself.

1:20:34um you know, the things she would say alluded to the fact that like I was kind of holding her [ __ ] together. And so that's all happening. And every day that I I would go to school and when I would come home, I would have this like feeling of dread when I would walk on the driveway and I would just kind of like, is it going to be a good day or a bad day? You know what I mean? And I would just have a pit in my stomach of anxiety every single day, all day and night. Um because I just never knew what was going to happen. It was unpredictable. And so I remember I started I actually started going to uh children of alcoholics anomous anonymous and in there they said one thing which is they said that if you stay if every time she drinks uh you throw away the bottles. If every time she doesn't go to work you call in for her. If every time she doesn't pay the bills you pay them for her. You just enable her behavior.

1:21:26And that was where I learned enabling. And that was when I realized that I was enabling my mother's alcoholism and that if she didn't feel the consequences herself, there's a less likelihood that she'll change, right? >> And so I was like, okay, I'm maintaining her behavior by existing in this house with her. Um, and so finally, you know, I think it was about a month after hearing that that, you know, she had a suicide attempt. And that happened before, but I had just, you know, whatever. And I said, "No more. Um, I'm going to call 911. I'm gonna call my dad and I'm gonna leave. And I did that knowing that my fear was that she would die. Honestly, I was like, I don't think she's gonna make it. If I'm not there, she'll definitely succeed. And I remember thinking to myself, like, but if you don't, this is the rest of your life. You just exist in this terrible place of misery.

1:22:21and where I felt like every day I was losing respect for myself because I was trying to appease another person, I was trying to be what they needed rather than what I needed. And even though it was comfortable and even though I loved her, I had this feeling every day like in loving her to the degree I was, I didn't love myself.

1:22:51And so I had to release that. And I remember I said to her, if you kill yourself and if you succeed, I still don't think it's my fault. And that was like what I had to say to I would say like release myself from that. And then when I left, it didn't happen. Like she, you know, ended up going to AA and then In and Out and like you know, who knows anymore. But um I realized I was like how I was the most important in my person in my life. And it gave me all this confidence to do other things that showed me that I was a person worth respecting. And it also showed me that the misery that I had created was because I was afraid of letting somebody else down. But what actually perpetuated the situation was that I was letting myself down every day. And what made me feel so miserable is the fact that I didn't have respect for myself. I didn't hold myself in high regard. Um, and taking myself out of that situation was the best thing I ever did in my life because, you know, it's the person who I loved the most. And I said, if you can't respect me, if you can't, you know, keep a safe environment, if you can't say nice things to me, if you can't build me up, if you can't help build a good household, then I will leave. And no matter how hard it is. And so it really taught me that I have to have my own back. And there's nobody in this world who's going to have my back more than me. And so in all my other relationships, it's just been like it's been nice because I don't feel like I need somebody to to be okay. I don't need someone so badly that I that I will tolerate verbal, mental, whatever abuse to maintain a relationship. And then I looked at every other relationship I had in my life and I said, "If I could do that, then anytime I'm in a relationship where I'm expressing my boundaries, I'm telling them what I need, I'm telling them what I want, and they're not able to respect it, I can leave because I'm not going to change that person. I'm not going to change my mom. I'm not going to change my friends, I'm not going to change my boyfriend." And that was the most freeing thing I could do. Like, it's not my responsibility to change you.

1:25:05>> [snorts] >> I can communicate to you what conditions I need to m to stay in this relationship but you also don't have responsibility to meet those only if you want to and so yeah it was very hard like I think when when I say that like I don't think it like I felt like I was going to die like every moment when I left for the first like month like I barely slept I just thought is she going to be dead tomorrow is she dead has she died how will I know who's going to find the It was like white knuckle ripping. The hardest thing I ever did in my life. I blacked a lot of it out because it was so painful. And I was just so anxietyridden because of it. Because despite this person being somebody who I could not have a relationship anymore, I also loved her more than anybody in my life at that point.

1:25:54>> And I still love who that person was, but I can't have somebody in my life who makes me feel so bad about myself. And so now it made it a lot easier when I was in a relationship with a guy and then he would like cheat on me. I was like, "All right, bye." Like or I had a friend who was like really cool and then she would like talk [ __ ] about me and I was like, "Okay, bye." Like um you know, and I give people a chance. Not like I'm just cutting people out left and right. I I don't think sometimes I lose that in my stories. Like I'm pretty good at setting expectations um and communicating clearly. Like I actually think that's a strength of mine being like, "This is what I need now." And then they're like, "No." And I'm like, "All right, well, I'm going to leave."

1:26:29Like I don't know. Um yeah. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, it's just like I love you, but I love myself more. And like I respect you, but I respect myself more. It's not like I don't respect you and I don't love you. It's just like I respect love myself more. And I think that for anybody that's questioning if they should be in a situation, in a relationship, you just have to ask yourself that question, like, does being in this relationship make me respect and love myself more or not? Um, and when I was with her, I realized I was just I felt like I was almost dying being around her. I wasn't taking care of myself. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't like and you just play it out. What's going to happen if I remain here for five more years?

1:27:10There's not a day that goes by that I wonder if that was a bad thing to do. >> Like when I think about it, there's not a day that I talk about it that I don't feel some little bit of shame still because it's like, "Oh, you left. You don't talk to your mom. What kind of person are you?" Um, there's also like not a day that goes by that I wonder like could I have done something different? Like my brain has so many narratives that plays around the situation.

1:27:36I just don't dance with them. >> And if anything I say like I've done the best I can and like we're not always going to get it right. Like that's the thing is like I say these things and I give these steps and like life is [ __ ] messy. >> You don't just go through the steps perfectly and it doesn't look perfect any step of the way and nothing is a linear path. There's ziggles ziggles. There's like zigzags turns and there's ziggles and [snorts] you know and then when you get there you're like I don't know it doesn't feel amazing. Am I here? And you're like yeah you are but nothing ever feels as [laughter] good as you think it is.

1:28:08>> Like I thought this is being exactly how I feel. >> I thought confidence was going to feel amazing. Well it feels pretty much the same with a little bit more certainty. So um I think that like everything is relative. I don't take it as like a cue to I should take action. Oh, >> I just remind myself again of all the reasons why I did it and I say I think that's pretty reasonable and then I I move on. >> Leila [ __ ] Heroszi girl, I freaking love you so much. Where can people find you and all the amazing things that you're doing right now?

1:28:38>> Yeah. Um, YouTube. So, I think like my YouTube channel, Leila Horoszi, is probably like the most helpful for the widest amount of people in your audience. And then I would say second to that is like my podcast, Build with Loa Hormosi. So, >> it is so good. I love your content. Thank you, >> guys. Guys, I'm obsessed with this woman. She's so freaking cool. She's so freaking confident. Don't we all want her confidence? Honestly, today was really a master class in how you build your confidence. How you make sure that no one ever disrespects you. How you're always able to have a voice, stand up for yourself, hold strong boundaries, and show up the way you want to freaking show up with undeniable confidence. So guys, please, please do go follow her. If you're not subscribed, smash that subscribe button down there.

1:29:18And until next time, be the hero of your own life. Peace. >> You're so good at the the intro outro. >> Thank you. >> If you want to build unshakable, non-negotiable confidence in every single area of your life, then you are definitely going to want to watch this episode right here with the unfuckwithable queen herself, Stormmy Wellington. >> I believe in living in four domains: respect, integrity, character, honor.