Warum Leila Hormozi aufhörte, das nette Mädchen zu sein

0:00the future of if I continue to go down this road if I gain twice the weight if I get arrested twice the times right if I have twice the bad friends like what my life looks like it was unacceptable to me I don't want to [ __ ] around anymore like you've done this long enough I just felt completely fed up with myself and mostly because I realized that everything people said was correct you're such a freaking badass but in going back into your story you were 85 pounds overweight you arrested six times you were in drugs alcohol you barely had any friends and now homie you see here a freaking badass that is in a beautiful relationship that's so damn confident and have a company that's earning Revenue 100 million dollars I believe what the hell were you able to do to your habits in order so that you can freaking show up now and what are the habits you've actually had to ditch in order to be a freaking badass and go off to that dream of yours I'll tell you something that I tell people when they always come to me and they're trying to lose weight which is they see like Layla I just can't be consistent I'm like that's not true because you do consistently overeat right and so I think that rings so true to me because there were a lot of things that I did consistently that got me those results and I had to then consistently do other things to get the results that I get now but I think that for a very long period of time when I was making that change um a lot of people say like did you use positive visualization and like you're really bringing all these like great feelings into and I didn't have any of that what I was able to Channel or tap into was all these negative feelings that I had and I was able to then say like I'm angry and I'm anxious and I have all this like angst inside of me um and instead of putting it into all of these things I'm going to put it into things that are going to make my life better the day after the sixth time I was arrested my dad they brought me to my parents house because whatever they didn't know where my house was and I think that was what was on my license at the time and I woke up and I you know the immediate feeling of like absolute dread right just like panic and I was like oh my God I don't remember what happened last night what happened and then I like looked to the nightstand and then there's like the arrest record and I was like I just remember like the the worst anxiety I've ever had like settling in just feeling it shaped just feeling honestly disgusted with myself and I had to walk downstairs so I was really thirsty and my dad was sitting on the couch and I sat down because I I'm in his house he obviously had to deal with whatever happened last night I'm not gonna be disrespectful I'm just like leave and I sat down waiting just like thinking he like this is when he's gonna let me have it right like he's just gonna like rip into me and instead I just remember he sat down he looked at me and he almost had like tears in his eyes and he was like you can do whatever you want I can't control you you don't even live in this house anymore he's like but I just want to tell you I do think that if you keep doing what you're doing you're going to kill yourself and I just felt so guilty because my dad he's such a good person like he's just like the best person I know and he's always been there for me he's always encouraged me he's always um been a cheerleader for me when there was no evidence or reason to be and I just felt horrible that I like whether it was you know I think it then equated to like feeling horrible about myself but I felt horrible I did that to him and in that moment I went upstairs and then I got my stuff and I went home to my apartment and I just decided I was like I'm not it wasn't like what are you gonna stop doing it was you are now a different person who you are today is no longer who you are tomorrow you don't do anything like what Layla has been doing Layla who's getting arrested and drinking and hanging out with these people no longer that's not who you are you are a new person and I just remember saying that to myself I was like I have a new identity and I am now a new person so what does this new person do she goes to the gym every day she doesn't eat like [ __ ] and overeat she doesn't hang out with people who aren't going anywhere in life she has a vision for her life she reads she doesn't like binge Netflix and go you know watch movies till 3am you know she lives on her own and isn't surrounded by people who are you know doing things that aren't productive for their lives she gets good grades even though maybe the college isn't what she wants to do it's because it's a representation of hard work and she works a lot and works really hard and so it wasn't even like mechanically how do I change all these habits which I think I would probably talk more to now in that moment it was so much emotion of just feeling so fed up with myself that I said I just I'm assuming a new identity and this new identity it's easy to evaluate what she does and doesn't do and those habits just happen to come with it so how do you in those moments then move towards the positive though because you can you can have taken that moment right where you felt I assume shame and guilt around your dad that you had been arrested again and that he is now tearful maybe losing his daughter in that moment before you even decided that you're going to be a new person many many people will Retreat many people will just take on that shame and that guilt and then drink more to actually numb that pain or eat more to numb that pain but you chose not to what do you think that thing was that made that first decision because I think it is a decision right that first decision to just say no more because I've heard you talk about um your emotions and how much that negative voice can really talk to you about that you're no good but you don't you chose not to listen to it and I was watching one of your videos and in that you were saying about you have to ask yourself about your emotion is this actually true yeah I think what it was was realizing that in that moment everything that people did say about me everything my dad was saying everything that people had said to me up to that point about what I was doing in my life was true and that was what was horrifying is that I agreed with my dad I was like if you look at this like evidence if I keep going down this path it would make sense that you think that I would die I am over drinking all the time I'm mixing drugs and alcohol I'm you know literally like blacking out not remembering where I am I mean like there's so many things that could happen I'm doing it frequently and I think that it was it was the horror of I think when you're young you always think it's not going to happen to me it's going to happen to that person right there and they think they call it like the soldier syndrome which is like you ask soldiers that go to war you know do you think that you could die and they say oh I don't think I could die but I'm really worried about my friend Tim who's coming with me and I think it goes the same with everything in life and it was in that moment that that reality the or the not reality that I was living in that I was still Invincible in some weird way and that the laws of nature wouldn't apply to me it was shattered in that instant and I realized that I actually could kill myself by doing that and I think the fear of wow I'm not invincible and if I don't actually take action it's only going to continue to get worse and I really thought about it and thought to myself like if I continue to do these things I just continue to feel worse and worse about myself and then the anxiety builds and you go get into the circle of like I drink more I feel more anxious to then not feel anxious I have to drink more because I'm even more and it just spirals up and I realize that there is no better time than now to break that cycle and I think when I felt like I was faced with us in my life I was like I don't want to [ __ ] around anymore like you've done this long enough I just felt completely fed up with myself and mostly because I realized that everything people said was correct and I think that a lot of us when we're in this like really dark spot we push away the things people say that are bad about us you know we were just talking before we got in on here about comments right something Alex and I've talked about is like the comments that hurt us the most when people say them are the ones that we know are true right and I think that people were saying so many things to me oh you're gaining weight oh you're not doing this oh you're just gonna end up drinking all the time you end up like your mom you had so many things and I would push them out like that's not true that's not true but then if you look at the evidence I was like this is true and in that moment when he said it and I agreed with him I was like they're all right and I don't want to keep doing that because I knew I was like are you going to be happy with this I five years from now if you keep doing this I was like what what am I going to be like right now I think at the time I was 220 pounds I was like What if I could be 400 pounds like where where do you draw the line and I was like I'm drawing it right now because that is terrifying to me there was the future of if I continue to go down this road if I gain twice the weight if I get arrested twice the times right if I have twice the bad friends like what my life looks like it was unacceptable to me and I think that that was really what motivated the change was just the fear of what my future would look like if I didn't make it now dude that's so freaking strong because I think a lot of things that I said in this type of um space of like motivation and inspiration it's like what do you want to be who do you want to be and like work towards it now look there is something very true to it so I actually don't want to dismiss it but there's this other side that can be just as powerful and you know you even said it wasn't like I was saying um I want to fit into a beautiful bikini and go on stage and pose right which is what you end up doing and like like crushing it by the way you looked amazing but to go on it that wasn't your motivator and I think that sometimes if you have a motivator of I want to get into a bikini then something happens an emotion hits you feel bad or something and then it becomes a dwell so if something strong to the fear but how did you not let it [ __ ] you or hold you back because sometimes like the fear of being 400 or 500 pounds sometimes can be quite a toxic feeling inside so how did you actually use that as a beautiful inspiration I didn't expect to feel good and I think that a lot of people ask me how do you do how do you lose weight how do you stay in shape how do you keep building business how do you keep going how do you keep striving for more and I think I just never expect it to feel good and I think that I've learned that damn near everything in life that has been really really freaking good for me has felt pretty awful at the time and has felt terrifying and I've been incredibly anxious but I'm either going to be anxious because I'm hiding from something or I'm going to be anxious because I'm striving for something only one of them moves me forward so it's like you don't get rid of anxiety that's just part of life but it feels you can at least create a positive association with it if it moves you forward and so I looked at it in that way which is like I'm gonna feel like [ __ ] no matter what I feel like [ __ ] now I feel like [ __ ] changing at least one of them moves me toward a life that maybe one day doesn't feel so bad and so I think it was actually not trying to avoid bad feelings of course you feel terrified trying to change of course it feels overwhelming look at what you've been doing and I think that actually a lot of the reason that it's so hard to change is that people tell us that we need to do something about the feelings before we change but it's like what if I could change while feeling that way and in that I find relief because I don't have to feel great before I step on stage I don't have to feel sure of myself before I go on a diet I don't have to feel less than overwhelmed before I do a new business venture I just I can feel all those things and still do them and I find so much relief in that because it has led to me not having to try and control my emotions it's like I can't control my emotions I can control my behavior and ironically the more that I just focus on my behavior my emotions tend to follow oh that's so freaking strong I've actually heard you've got some little notes Here on like the steps on how on Earth you don't you make sure that you don't give in to your emotions and I'd love to go through them and I believe that you used it as a frame of reference of like getting on stage but I think that this applies to anybody because to your point if your emotions are telling you like hey like slow down or don't do that that's gonna you're gonna get really upset or someone's gonna upset you or someone's gonna push you around or someone's going to be you know emotionally abuse you like it just most people will Retreat and you've got a bit of a formula that I love and so if you don't mind taking us through it so you say that um number one you ask is it true number two how then does it make you feel and then number three live life like as if you believe the thought was real I think so the reason I like this framework is because I think that there's a lot of and this is just my opinion this is what has worked for me I tend to like over analyze overthink get caught up in my head and so for me I tend to place used to place an over an more importance on my thoughts and feelings than I think was healthy and so for me what it was that I was basically treating certain thoughts and feelings like they were overly important and because of that I was getting really caught up in them and caught up in these stories that my brain was creating that weren't true and so for me whenever I feel really emotional about something and it's usually fear right fear of science anticipation of something that could happen that's usually where I go I asked myself well is this true how do you know it's true and what that follows is basically do you have any evidence for this thought right and then I asked myself okay well is there evidence for the opposite of that is there evidence that it's not true and I'll write it down on a list and I literally do this when I'm really trying to work through something and then I keep that list of all the reasons that thought is not true or that thing that I'm fearful of is not true and what I'm trying to do is like our brain when it's scared you know and I have literally I'm not like some of the people that's been on your show this is just what I have found I feel like when my brain is freaking out it tries to find all these things that could be a threat right it looks at things that wouldn't be a threat and it finds them this is the reason why you shouldn't speak on stage you see right here and it's like ah and it's like turning everything into something as a reason why I shouldn't do this thing and so I try to ground myself in like I create this list and I'm like here's all the reasons why your brain is wrong and I read the list over and over and over again to convince myself to stick with whatever it is right when I get really scared and I think that then asking myself the follow-up question of what would someone who's not scared do that reminds me that if I take action like somebody who is not fearful eventually the fear will fade you know it's like I'm scared of heights I went skydiving right uh purposely to get over the fear of height I said I'm not gonna tell anybody I didn't tell anyone that I went with that I was scared of fights at the time I didn't like say it I wasn't taught I was like I will go because I don't want that to stop me and I blacked out because I was so terrified but the funny thing was that in the air yeah and then when I like came out of the blackout I was the parachute had been pulled and like I was you know in the air and then it was really cool right but up until that point I kept saying to myself what would someone do who wasn't scared of heights they would go and do the skydiving right and then with that allowed is that after I did it I had evidence of why this thing is not scary and then what that gave me is like the next time someone asks me I don't feel a sense of anxiety and so it's like that helps me take the first step is just asking myself what would someone do who was not scared of this thing if I do that action enough the emotion will fade and I love that there's power in that there's relief in it because I'm like I know and I don't expect myself to not be scared I don't expect myself to not feel like I want to freak out I don't expect myself to not get overwhelmed maybe not even cry right but I do expect myself to follow through because I can I can control that I can't control how I feel but I do know because time and time again has proven it to myself that if I do it one time it is 50 times easier the second time you know I love that okay so I'm in Layla's head and you're getting on the plane and you're like okay oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] I'm not gonna tell anyone oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] yeah some people and again I'm really I always try to love breakdown or I love breaking down people's stories and then going what's the moment where most people stop but then that person that is freaking successful doesn't stop yeah so people may go okay I get it I'm gonna go you know if your fear of heights get on the plane the moment though that they're like cool open up the door yeah that's when the heart starts all the thoughts come flooding in that sometimes overtake all the work right the repetitive the mindset staff of that you've like really worked on maybe you've like you said you repeated all the things that you know you were going to do or that your mind was trying to trick you into believing um but in that moment with the door opens and the reality of freaking hits what is happening in your head nothing literally just your fear so how the hell don't you then go I'm just not gonna do it so I'll give you another example I go to talk on stage Caleb knows this it's like I hadn't spoken on stage in years and it was like my first talk and behind stage when nobody knows as they're all talking to me it's like my heart is like at 190.

17:37right I'm like freaking the [ __ ] out I literally cannot like no spit nothing and I'm about to go up in front of like 2 000 people and as I walk on stage I'm like I think I might be having a panic attack and I just all I think to myself is like move move keep moving keep moving just keep talking just keep moving just keep acting just keep doing the thing and what you find is that whether you coax yourself or don't coax yourself emotions go away eventually like literally it's like focus on what your body is doing not on what your brain's doing um and then within like when I was on stage this time for example within two minutes I felt completely normal and I was like oh my God I didn't actually have a full-bone clinics deck like I thought I was going to I like could barely breathe when I was talking and the crazy thing is I watch that speech now you can't even tell you can't tell can't tell because I just kept thinking like just act like it's like it almost feels like I'm just pretending same with the planes like just act like the person that's going to jump off this plane and then like it happens again this is just what's worked for me but it's like I find so much relief knowing that I don't have to think a certain way to make it happen I just can move through it and eventually my mind will catch up and realize this is not so bad and I think that's really what is happening if I had to guess it's like my mind eventually realizes like this is not so terrifying this is not a threat you're not running from the situation because when you physically walk towards that situation what am I signaling to my brain I'm signaling this is okay we can keep doing this you don't need to run away from it and I think that you just have to do it once to see that it works I think there's there's a quote that I heard that meant a lot to me which was fear is a mile wide an inch deep you're like it's a [ __ ] puddle I can just skip through it but I think most people think it's like you know the Bermuda Triangle so if you find that that works for you I do find that works for me actually really well uh going to like what is the absolute worst case and then how am I going to deal with it if it actually happens now I will say going into the like skydiving I don't know if I'd go skydiving again today only because I don't know if I would want like there's a chance that you could just you know prepare some wooden pollen like you could die um so I'm like I don't know if I want that risk not out of fear but out of risk um but I do think through what is the worst that could happen and how would I deal with that like let's not when it happens but then like okay what's the morning after it happened look like how will you deal with the Press how will you deal with your spouse how will you deal with your friends and family whatever the thing is how will you deal with looking like an idiot on stage and I then I think to myself like it's usually not as bad as we think to me about how then you uh you actively stopped the self-sabotage so when it comes to drinking when it came to drugs when it came to partying and going out late and getting arrested and all of that stuff I assume that there are habits in that right and so Union said um you know moving towards or like moving uh hearing the fear of what could happen but how do you actually change right because I love the idea of going I'm no longer this person like I freaking love that that's so damn powerful but then you wake up the next day and the feeling of maybe the shame or the guilt from your dad has dissipated a bit and State and it's dissipated more by the end of the weekend most people go back to drinking and partying and then getting in trouble again because they haven't changed their behavior and your voice The Voice in your head can then trick you into doing things oh it's fine oh it's just so how did you actively step by step like on a daily basis what did you do or did you just freaking cut and stop completely like cold turkey I did in many ways because I think that I did one thing really well what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I'll see you on the inside which is I put myself I was in an environment where it was acceptable to do what I was doing and and I took myself out of that environment and put myself in a new one where that was not acceptable I found friends who would find that behavior unacceptable you know I lived in a place where that would be unacceptable and so I moved I lived in a house with six people I moved out on my own right I then committed to having a job which meant that I had responsibility which made a lot of the things I did not acceptable because I wouldn't be able to have that job if I did those things and then I got new friends who if I was to act that way they would not be my friend I am all for all the things I do internally but gosh if we can help change by changing our environment why would we not do it you know even I mean another example I've done that later in my life is like I sold my last company Jim launch moved immediately I was like I don't want to be Jim launch Layla anymore I want to be a different Layla and so I don't really want to do that in this house moved and I remember that was the first time that I felt the power of my environment though because I realized those voices in your head come up right and we get them all the time but if your environment reinforces those voices and makes them louder it is very hard to resist them and I think that being able to engineer your environment is truly a skill and I think that I think you've mastered it I mean like look how look how you've built your life and I think that I am so much more intentional with it now make it so that your environment makes it easy to achieve your goals and hard not to comply with them like really because if if all of a sudden none of your friends drink and they would find it you know say repulsive if you got drunk would you drink we have so much like other people's have so much power over us people that are close to us that I think in many ways we can take advantage of that when we're trying to change you know even Alex and I when one of us is trying to make a change we tell the other person so that they can reinforce the behaviors we want and you know try to help us extinguish the ones we don't want and I find it so powerful that we help each other with that because it helps it go so much faster than if we're trying to do it on our own it's sort of like you know when I used to be a personal trainer and I was trying to help other people lose weight every time they did any kind of behavior that would was a leading indicator of losing weight I would clap for them congratulate you're amazing send them gifts you know like anything I could do to make them feel good and then attach positive associations with those new behaviors and I think that a big hack for doing that and without you know you don't even need to form anyway those just get around people where that's just what's acceptable and that was really what I did I think in many ways is and I'm immediately after I moved out of that apartment into my own then I moved to California and got a whole new group of friends everyone's into fitness everyone's into you know learning business trying to figure out how to make money trying to figure out how to better themselves and that's who I surrounded by myself with and the things that Layla who got arrested six times did would not have been acceptable to those people you know so powerful did you also do anything on the negative side so while you're like cheering yourself on or cheering other people on when they did something amazing did you do anything on the opposite side I don't like to use the word punishment but a negative yeah or anything I think until very recently I beat myself up so much if I didn't if I didn't do what I wanted to do that that was enough for me you know what I mean I I don't think that I've done it so much for other people I tend to look at it like rather than you know there there should be consequences for certain behaviors but I think that oftentimes what you want is somebody to do something else right and often if they feel bad like too bad then it's harder for them to do that other thing and so I try to provide an alternative you did this thing next time in that situation this is the thing I would like you to do instead so that was what I would try to do with clients when maybe they wouldn't adhere to something it's like rather than like beating them up I know they're beating themselves up right so what I would rather do is provide them with like take these steps next time that happens rather than the ones that you just took and then figure out is there a skill Gap do you not know how to do that do you not know how to say no to food do you not know how to you know I had one client that like her husband every time he went to McDonald's he would get her food and she like couldn't say no because he brought her home food and we realized it was actually like she didn't know how to say no was the issue and so sometimes within that you find that when you give someone directions there's a skill Gap and that's why they can't follow them so I look at it as how am I going to help this person change their behavior rather than how do I want to make them feel bad now there are instances where I think feeling bad can equate to changing your behavior like when we do it to ourselves mostly but that comes from a place of autonomy I think when other people do it to us we tend to be not react as well yeah a thousand percent so when you're doing it to yourself it's just then basically incidental negative voice in your head yeah I I think for a long time I was so scared of going back to that person that I was that any action I took that was like any any step even sideways in that direction I would just feel really poorly about myself and it took a lot of time for me to undo that because I think that that was how I stayed on a path so strictly for so long um because I think I was so terrified of going back to that reality you know like of ever feeling that way again of ever being so like having such low confidence being so dissatisfied with my life having such few like real friends like it was just I look back now and I think like gosh I would never want to go back there but I think I was so scared of it for a period of time after like when it was too recent that I just beat myself up if I didn't consistently move forward away from that and your confidence building where those steps were in moving out of that house it gave you a bit more confidence in moving and finding friends that were more like how you wanted to be gave you more confidence like how did you what were the steps in order for you to build the confidence because that's one thing my audience really like they want to make a change and they have a dream and they know where they want to go but they that first step or that continuous step even if you make that first step it's the confidence it's always the thing that holds people back so how did you build your confidence um through this transition I think that most of my confidence just came from sticking with the commitments that I made to myself like the things that I told myself I was going to do in private that maybe nobody even knew about being able to stick with those things and that came from training myself to take action despite how I felt so I know that when [ __ ] hits the fan or shit's really hard I've got my back and I didn't used to you know and I think I had lost a lot of trust with myself because I actually think that when I think of confidence I almost think of trusting myself that makes me feel confident to know that I can trust myself to do something hard or to do something that is hard in the moment but best for me in the long term and I think that I had to that confidence came from training myself on how to keep those promises and how to stick with the commitments and that just took time it takes repetition it didn't take months it took years you know because think about how many years I wasn't going in that direction and so I had to undo that and create new memories that I had within the context of my relationship with myself and I think it still took I think a lot of time because I think what often happens right is that you go you're so far in One Direction and then you go so far in the other direction and I think that I many times along that path many people would have looked at me and not understood why I wouldn't have been so confident yet um and I think that that's just because I would still I would keep the promises to myself but I still had this feeling like I was never good enough like I was never I could always be better right which I think is good because it keeps you striving but I think I wasn't able to mitigate the downside of that which is like like you like you you've done you you do pretty well right like it was like being a friend to myself and I think what I've had to learn to be able to actualize the confidence that I have earned is how to be a friend to myself and almost be like look at the things that you have done because I think I've always been really cognizant of like I've never wanted to have I re I have an aversion to people who have like huge egos right like I can't I've never wanted to be that person and so it's like I never I probably air towards like insecure versus confident but now I think I've landed in a place where it's like a very good middle ground where I feel like I am confident I don't have an inflated ego you can take the actions you can keep the promises to yourself but then what are the stories that you tell yourself about why you kept those promises I think that for a while I looked at other people and said you're all the reasons why that I've been able to achieve these things and I took literally zero credit for anything and I did that for a really long time in my life and then I realized it's not like it's all of you are the reason it's not that I am the reason it's that we together are the reason it's helped me balance insecurity and ego I think sometimes the ego serves us I actually think the ego is there to protect us right it's like going on stage it's like if you're scared it's like the ego's like what are you doing what are you doing because it wants to protect you from getting embarrassed freezing right so I kind of have a newfound relationship with my ego because I kind of like now treat it as my friend like my homie like it is just there to like support me and when I say support it's almost to like warn me with the red flags that maybe I don't see right I don't listen to it I just look at the red flags so I observe yeah almost observe the ego and say what is it showing you and or ego or negative voice whichever one and it's like what is it trying to say maybe it's true maybe you are about to go on stage and fall on your face Lisa right okay you didn't practice right what are you gonna do exactly and it then became my homie that's now allowing me to come up with a game plan so that when I go on stage I have ideas so if I freeze I've got a backup plan and backup plan was laugh by the way that was my backup plan just laugh and to your point once you're able to say okay it's not an inflated ego it's almost like I think inflated ego is the um the blindness yeah to how you to your skill sets um but I think most people that I know suffer from the opposite where they don't even have the confidence to be able to say I can do this so you actually said earlier where you didn't believe you were good enough um do you believe you're good enough now I believe I can do the thing if I put in the same reps that anybody else has achieved something has put in then I believe I can achieve it so I think I just look at it like success is not biased to who takes the actions you can be insecure and experienced if you take the actions of somebody who is not you can still have that thing and I think that's where I find a lot of my confidence is I mean I used to say this all the time but I was like you just outwork yourself doubt it's like I I just I look at what somebody who is successful in something does I do that amount and then more and I feel extra certain perfect I still have so many areas that I'm I think I think it's funny because it's like I am secure in areas that I used to be insecure in right but then it's like you expose new areas if you're trying new things and I think now I have a different relationship with insecurity which is it's probably just pointing to an area that I have less experience with of course I feel insecure if I've never built a private Equity Firm before I've never built a private Equity Firm but I do have a lot of experiences where I've done things before where I didn't have experience so I do have more of an ability to look at the transfer of skill of like look at the five other times where you haven't had no experience in something and you've been able to do it anyways so that gives me a sense of comfort but I can still feel kind of insecure I just don't look at it like a bad thing and I also don't let it deter my sense of self-confidence I can have confidence in the fact that I can achieve things I haven't done I can feel insecure in the fact that it's a new environment it's a new condition and there's a lot of unknowns that I'm just not aware of does that make sense yeah good I love the idea of I can absolutely be insecure and confident all at the same time I can be confident I'm still going to move forward no matter how insecure I am yeah it's like I really just don't feel like they're they're they both coexist yeah that's our freaking go okay so as you start to evolve as you start to really develop your confidence you start to build yourself you start to move away like I love all those building blocks that you do many people um and myself included if you meet the wrong partner it can absolutely end up derailing the person that you've built yourself up to be and the amount of my audience that have had built their confidence and then found a relationship that was really toxic that actually then um destroyed their confidence yeah and now they actually almost don't know how to get it back um when you started on The Dating Game did you worry about that and were you thinking about your confidence and the type of person you would end up with yes um I wasn't thinking about I wouldn't say my confidence as much as wanting to be with somebody who made me better that was really what I was focused on I think I was focused on I want to find somebody who amplifies who I am who doesn't suppress who I am that was super important to me and I think that I had been in many relationships where the men that I had dated I had many good relationships I also had a few that the people that I dated never wanted me to shine any brighter than I did that day one right and I think that that was like a a thing that made them feel more secure but I just don't [ __ ] with that like I'm like no um what did that look like if you don't mind yeah a little deeper very controlling so I'd be with friends and you know maybe not text them back for 30 minutes and then they'd show up you know and then I'm like yeah this is weird but I think I was also younger and I was probably very caught up in the emotions of the relationship and I think I was probably more focused on the emotions that I felt the like caught up in like lust and love rather than is this the right partner for me are they making me better is this somebody I could build a really epic life with like I wasn't asking myself the right questions do you love them yes you know love is in my opinion not enough so I had you know dated a few people prior to Alex whom expressed that they wanted me to talk less I actually said that too yeah talk less yeah if you could just talk less that would be great is this considered an actual boyfriend or like someone that you're kind of dating three months dating the person and they say that yeah so I've had multiple instances of that which there are I think lots of transactional relationships where that is what somebody is willing to do to be with that person but that's just not me so yeah I just wanted the opposite of that I just wanted to feel empowered what did you say in that moment when he said that to you I said I don't think this is the right relationship oh so that was like the break oh yeah I don't I don't I've never had a problem walking away I think I'm I think I was very lucky to have a father who treated me very well and who I saw treat women very well and also not let women walk on him like I think it could go either way right like we can all suppress partners and so I think I just realized as soon as I emotionally matured and realized that like love and lust are not what build a great relationship then I realized what I really wanted and I was like I want a partner a life partner I don't I don't want like just a husband I want a partner and I want somebody who makes me better and who I can make better you know it wasn't a one-way Street I think it's it's a two-way street and you can't wish for somebody to make you better because if you're not the kind of person who can make them better you're not going to get that person and if you're not looking to make yourself better at the same time you're just leaning on your partner that ends up being a disaster 100 yeah so as you started today I heard you even say like you just you're like it's a numbers game so this is before you met Alex um if you don't mind taking me through that yeah I did because I I love the notion because it's always like you even said it earlier right love isn't enough so how do you know when they're actually the right person because a lot of people myself included when I was a teenager like I I confused love and lust and attraction and also insecurity so I was so insecure because no guy liked me because I was always picked on and bullied and for my lurks that finally when I found a guy it was like I put so much value in that and he would tell me I love you and he would say all the things um but it was definitely a lot of internal manipulation so um how did you then when you started to go out and really figure out who's the person that's right for me did you put like a list of things together of what you exactly were looking for yeah so I'll tell you exactly what I did which was I read it was one of Tony Robbins books it was like Unleash the Power of something and they had a whole chapter on finding a spouse and I'm like 21 at the time and I was like I should make this and so I made this list of all the qualities that this person would have what it would look like what they would look like they do what do they it's like be do have whatever that whole thing and then what are your non-negotiables meaning if they don't have one of these things or have one of these things you would say it's a no-go and so I had about three three pieces of paper that had writing on it describing this person and I read it and think like what do they look like how do they act like I would just kind of Envision and I remember I tell my manager at the time um when I was at 24 Hour Fitness that was when I started and he said he was like amazing he's like it's a numbers game and I was like what he's like just like you learned how to sell here and you understand like it's a certain amount of prospects to a certain amount of that convert into clients and a certain it's like it's the same thing with dating he said you've got to apply the same thing and I was like I get that I had just learned that and gotten really good at it so I was like amazing I can do that here he's like what like you'll get so much better at your work if you can go on dates with strangers and so it was funny because I think he saw the benefit in that and I was like that is amazing I see that correlation absolutely and so I dedicated myself to like okay well how did I reach out to leads when I was a personal trainer and I'm trying to get clients every day at lunch all I did was call all the leads instead of eat lunch so instead I got on Bumble and I just swiped for dates on Bumble and the cool thing about Bumble is that obviously at the time I don't know what it is now but uh only a girl can message a guy so then that automatically creates a filtering system because I don't have a bunch of like you know penis pics coming at me like Tinder um and so what I did is I did that and I said I will dedicate myself to going on one day a week until I find like a boyfriend I wasn't looking for like a husband at the time I actually didn't see myself getting married until I was like the age I am now so you never know but um I committed myself one day a week and then that's what I did I literally just was like just see what's out there see if that changes the list you have see if you feel differently about people after and at the worst case scenarios you become way better talking to strangers which will also make you more money because you're in sales and so I went on one day a week and I did that for I want to say it was like between 16 and 18 months oh wow until I met Alex oh yeah now there were some people I went on multiple dates with so there's there's that but it was really bad I mean it was like a lot of dates and it was there was some so such bad dates and such just like awful like I had a guy one time like tell me he had like a VIP pass to a movie theater he actually was sneaking into money and then we got like kicked out you know I had one guy take me on you want to go on a walk for a date which ended up being a hike which ended up being four hours long and then we were like stuck and lost in the desert like I've had so many instances um but I just looked at it and I was like it's a numbers game and if I don't give up I can find somebody who's the right match for me and I remember thinking I think it's more about so I never want to try and change somebody I'm with right like I want them to be somebody who wants to change for the better I don't want to have to be um the reason that somebody wants to change you know it's like Oh no I got her so I got to work on it's like and I would never sustain for the if you want to be with them for the rest of your life exactly so I'm like I want to find somebody who has that themselves like you call it self-propelled is what I say um and I think that just means I might to look more that was what I thought I was like these are a lot of things that I'm looking for um because I had worked so much on myself that I felt like hey I want somebody who can kind of like be on the same page and so it wasn't until I met Alex and then I I met him and we went on our first date I remember I went home that night and the only thought that I was left with after going on a date with him was I just want to keep talking to him like I'm so interested in him and even if we don't keep dating I hope we can be friends like that was why I was really thinking because I was just like I just really liked being around him and I went home and I looked at that list and I was like I literally think he fits it all and that was when I was like you should keep dating this guy and it was the same thing that we talked about earlier which is I made a decision ahead of time what I was looking for so if I got on a date you know I went on dates of you know guys with you know it's Newport Beach tons of money flashy this and that but they just wanted some chick that could look cute you know what I mean and that didn't fit what I wanted I think that oftentimes you know it's like what's the question are you the person that the person you're looking for is looking for [Music] and I think that that's one thing that we can't be blind to is does the person we want want us back you know what I mean and I think I I was really cognizant I I was really self-aware enough of where I was at I was like I'm not going to find somebody who's like got it all figured out because I don't either but I'm like a really fast work in progress right now and so I want somebody else who is and I feel like you know what I mean yeah a thousand percent um I love that so when you meet Alex he's a very I want to say strong man yeah I don't necessarily just mean physically but like his presence um I would label him as an alpha male yeah but I also think of you as an alpha female When you entered the relationship where you were too concerned about losing your confidence or your Independence or just really like how you really freaking show because you show up with like energy and dominance which I freaking love girl um but many women if they're with someone strong over time it can actually diminish them I made it a goal not to be diminished because I think many people around him do get that way and I looked at it as an opportunity to become more confident stronger and a better version of myself because I didn't blame him anytime we were in a room and people didn't hear me and I think that a lot of women do that and I am not saying that I'm right at all but what worked for me and what I'm actually really [ __ ] glad that I did is that I didn't say I wish he was quieter I wish Alex wouldn't talk so much I wish she wasn't going to be so powerful I said what can I learn from him I am so grateful that I'm married to somebody that I can learn so much from and I've learned so much from him about that like he has made me so much more confident and Powerful because I get to learn from him he is very confident and in so many ways when I met him I admired that so much about him I was like he's way more confident than me for sure but I was like there's no better way to become more confident than to marry somebody who is and I really have taken so much from him in that way did you know how many people do the opposite though I know so it's literally just the conscious goal so in those moments where maybe you're in a room and he's very loud and people aren't listening to you maybe they're ignoring you whether it's business or not right other people have had the same example whether it's with family where you're you know or you're just in a room with friends and your partner may be very confident they take over and then that you become small so are you just repeating in your mind in those moments like oh this isn't about him it's not I have two different thoughts one is I will always think how I am really proud of him and happy for him if he's getting more attention more recognition more credit for something because he does work his [ __ ] [ __ ] and he is a great person and deserves all those things I had that line of thinking right so that's happening it's like proud happy for you wife right the other line of thinking I have is if people aren't listening to you and they need to hear it from him what do you need to change about how you deliver this message and that is the only way that I think we've been able to do what we do together is that I look at it like how can I get better so that they don't need to hear it from Alex they can hear it from me and I have found so much growth in thinking that way and I think every time we blame our partner you're you're stealing an opportunity from yourself to learn and grow and I think that took me a few years to figure out but when I did it just unlocked everything for me and I feel like I my growth just compounded because I realized that like the best of me and the best of him we can give to each other you know I love that and the idea of wanting good things for your partner and as well as wanting good things for you I think is yeah very important juxtaposition to balance because to your point it's like if you do want good things for them then don't try and bring them down but then look at yourself and this is what one of the many reasons I love you girl like it's the full ownership part like you everything that we've been talking about today you very much take full ownership not one point in this discussion ever have you pointed the finger at anybody else or anything else how powerful is that full ownership to you should I just like literally I'd never want to be a victim even if I am what good does that do me to say that I am I give away my power so I just look at it like even if when there are situations where I am clearly a victim in some way acting like one does nothing for me do you have an example when I was a kid I think that was like the Hallmark example of my life was that I lived with a mother who was an alcoholic and a drug addict and in that house you know she would leave for weeks at a time she was always drunk and I have terrible memories uh for seven years of my life and I think in so many ways I could have become a victim of that situation I was a kid I was young I didn't have resources but I didn't because I remember there was just one day it was like she hadn't come home for maybe three days and I was sitting in this room and I was calling her because I was worried that she was dead honestly and how old are you at this point nine nine or ten and she wasn't answering and it was like 3am and I hung up the phone I called her God 20 30 times and I sat there and I don't even know where this thought come from came from but I was sitting in that room and I thought to myself you just keep calling her and like you've done this before like nothing's gonna happen like she's not coming home she doesn't care right she's not cognizant enough to care and then I literally just had the thought I was like you you must make the rest of your life so much better than this and you do not need to be a victim of this situation and I remember thinking you can be you can find a strength in the situation do not let this turn you into someone weaker I just remember thinking all these thoughts I was like I just remember it was like I have to make this worth it you know what I mean and I think that was as applied with my life it's like you have to make life worth it and being a victim does you know just it like it doesn't help you saying I'm a victim of you know a terrible childhood saying I'm a victim of a relationship saying I'm a victim of being overweight it has never helped me and you know what I did is that I moved out of her house and I said I'm not going to keep helping her you know even though I feel like there's all these things and reasons I should stay here it's like I'm gonna do the thing that feels terrible and get out of this house as a kid you know and leave her on her own or whatever that means and I think that that is transferred to so many areas of my life because that was the hardest thing that I ever did is moving out of that house because I thought she was gonna die and I loved my mom and I look at that with every area of my life and I'm I see so many kids who go through such terrible things when they're kids but the way that they react to those situations determines the rest of their life and I think that that just applies to everything you know are you a victim of your marriage are you a victim of food are you a victim of something really terrible that happened to you you know I could extrapolate out the things that I went through in that house and it could sound awful and people would think how are you here today right but I don't because even I don't even like to talk like a victim I don't even want to relive those things because at the end of the day I'm grateful for it I'm grateful for that I'm grateful for all the moments in which I'm in a room with Alex and people don't listen to me I'm grateful for the times when I was overweight and people told me I'm fat because they've all led to where I am now and I think that we wish for strength but we don't wish for the conditions in which strength builds when you said you don't you don't see we won't go deep because you don't want to talk about it um how have you then moved on and this is actually a discussion that I'm finding a lot in social media these days of everyone's talking about you must forgive you must go back in time you must heal a lot of the Old Wounds um and sometimes though there is power in not forgiving and actually had to guess on and that was the whole thing which is like no I don't have to forgive and actually find the power in not forgiving someone I find the power in not going back and you know looking at that um How do you not how do you heal that wound I think when I was younger I was very angry and that's what led to you know getting arrested and doing all those things I felt angry that I didn't feel like I had a mother anymore if that makes sense um and I think I felt angry about a lot of things I just think didn't think were fair right um and at the time when I was younger I think that talking through helped to a degree until it didn't and it wasn't until I put all of my focus on just building a life that would be so dope that I would forget about the past and it would make it all worth it like that was really what I focused on it's like how do you create such a compelling future that you don't even think about the past I think that often we're so focused on the past we can't even create a compelling future you only have so much time to think about things during the day and so I just found that I'm much happier focusing on the future the weird thing is that the more that I have like Built My Life I have you know I've when I was younger like my dad he put me in different therapy and all the stuff to talk through my mom's stuff and I think more than anything what helped me was just I just accepted it I didn't try to change it I didn't try to like think through the things that happen and how they've affected my behavior now I accepted those things happened and I look at my behavior now as a decision I'm making as an adult you know I am not a child and I can make decisions I can observe I have Behavior that's not conducive to what I want and I can change it if I want to and I think that often for me at least what's what's worked is that I don't have to go back to the past to decide why I am the way I am because I found that it doesn't make a difference if I change it or not in fact sometimes it delays it because it's like oh I have to figure out the reason of why I do this thing in order to then change it I just say I do this thing how can I change it and I think that that has that's worked well for me and I think it it takes you know for people who are younger or maybe it's like the thing that happened is more recent it takes time because I think that when something bad happens it takes there's a long tail until you see the benefits that you can create from that thing and I think that I was able to realize a lot of benefits because I really believe that if my parents hadn't gotten divorced and my mom hadn't gone down that path and you know kind of just become a different person I don't know if I would have being who I am today I don't know if I would have had leadership ability I don't know if I would have been able to leave myself to lead others because I think I would have been kept in a very different environment but because she did what she did I had to learn how to raise myself in many ways you know take care of myself and I think that is something I've been able to recall at many times and now I see the benefit of that I see how it's benefited me in life and so I truly am grateful for it it's not BS when I say it you know I used to hear people say Okay um yeah you don't shot me as a base person girl right like I'm like oh better than thou um but I am because I've seen the benefits and so I think that for a lot of people they just have they they have to get through like their the period of crap to then see the benefits of it and how it can transfer to many other areas of life if you're able to use what you learn for good how have you learned to build boundaries as an adult if as a child you didn't necessarily see that I think it changed when I moved out of the house with her I think that I realized that I not holding boundaries with someone else hurts them as well you know like me staying there complying allowed her to remain it was acceptable what she was doing was acceptable and then I changed the environment and made it unacceptable because I left and I do think that that helped her change at that time now I don't you know things have happened since but I think at the time it was an initiation of change for her so in terms of how that applies now I actually think that I I went the opposite and I set really hard boundaries with people for a while especially after I cleaned my crap up after getting arrested and then I think that I went from having really hard boundaries to then being too much of like serving others when we started a company I felt like I had to serve the entire company everything everyone except for myself so it was like really hard boundaries because I was scared that I was going to let like not hold them hard enough and then someone would be able to violate them then it was like they were too soft and I think I've been able to find a nice Middle Ground now how did you then swing back setting the boundaries like at what point did you realize oh I've gone too soft when I realized that I felt resentful of decisions I had made you know like oh my gosh I'm taking meetings from 6 a.m until 8 pm and I'm literally working all and people won't stop ping me you own the company girl and it's your Finance it's your phone it has a mute button right and so I was like oh my gosh I have I have been the one that has done this right and so you know I think that's the common theme is it's just always it's always our responsibility we always you know teach people what we tolerate and I realized that I was doing that and then I said you know I don't want to go back to what I was doing before because I think often it's like the pendulum swings here and then here and then we end up in the middle um I try to always now just fast track to the middle but I didn't you know I went the soft way and then and then I realized you know that's not sustainable though I felt like okay I have to be serving everyone well if you're serving to the extent that you are resentful of others then that tells me that I'm not respecting myself enough I'm not I'm not giving myself enough of what I need and want and I also don't need to have reasons for that I can just do it because I want to do it and so I think I've taken that uh probably that was about two and a half three years ago I realized that about myself and then I I've been able to find a nice middle ground it's like maybe today I'm going to over serve the crap and I'm just gonna extend myself I can be like today nothing for Layla like you don't get anything you want but tomorrow I get everything or half and half so much because I'd be curious to know did you blame everyone else first and then you realize it was oh it's your company like I can't believe they're calling me I can't believe they're doing it and the reason why I ask is boundary is just a really big thing when we're talking about building our confidence boundaries I think is just absolutely imperative in order to build your boundaries because when you're building your confidence you've got to start saying no a lot more um you have to start pushing back on people that may be crossing the line and so when you're building those boundaries initially I have found myself going but if they just didn't do that then everything would be fine and then to your point then I realized oh I'm now actually the responsible party for my boundaries yes I think that a lot of it came from I didn't know how to set boundaries without being mean ah and I don't like to be mean to people I don't like to make people feel bad if I don't have to I like really like to make people feel good and so I had to find a way to set boundaries that didn't even just not make people feel bad but made them feel good right and so I found a lot of that with just the more I blame myself and the more I make it about me and that there's something you know it's my fault my I'll take that if it means that other people can feel good also accepting like I used to feel like I had to over explain if I wanted to set a boundary and I'll be like I just don't want to do that and they'll be like what I just don't and I think that when I felt like I had to over explain it was like first I felt mean because I am I'm stressed when they're asking me I'm like no I don't wanna I don't do that and the reason I don't want to is because and then go into like over explaining and now I'm just like oh I don't want to do that and they're like why I'm like I don't I don't like doing that how did you actually train yourself to do that go from one to the other I just heard somebody say you can want to do something or not do something and not provide a reason and that at the time provided me so much relief because I I'm an overexplainer it's like I'd never want someone to take something personally so I always want to over explain to them but that is also a little bit annoying for yourself or for them um and so I realized like I waste so much time worrying about what other people think of the boundaries I set or don't set or don't set and now I think that I've just allowed it to be just like it doesn't matter let people judge me let people misunderstand me I'm just you have One Life to Live you know what I mean how are you okay with being misunderstood well one I can understand why so many times in my life I have been because I think like for example like when I get nervous I'm not like I'm not myself right I'm not quite the same I act a little bit differently so like even I remember when I first started making content I felt like gosh do people not really understand who I am it's like girl like look at yourself in the camera like you're not acting like yourself of course they don't understand right um and so I think one is like there's many times where I'm like I can understand why they wouldn't understand me right like this is confusing or it's not like anything else they've seen therefore they don't get it right like if we're if they don't have someone to compare you to for example like they wanna people wanna put lease on a box and compare you to some things it helps understanding wise but it's like if they can't find that comparison it's really hard to get what you are and who you are and what you're about and so I think you know Alex said this to me one time he said I said I was saying something to him he was he buys so many shoes he buys like legitimately like 30 pairs of shoes a month and just like always is trying on shoes to see which one's like the best shoe and I was like oh my God another seven boxes of shoes I said something and then I was kind of having a day and I was like being a little down to myself thinking like I feel like I'm so weird sometimes like I was doing this thing and I said this thing and I sounded like such a weirdo he said Layla look at this he like points this [ __ ] pile of shoe boxes he said would somebody not weird be married to me [Laughter] and then I just started cracking up and I was like No And he was like baby you're weird and I love you and you know what normal Bland people aren't going to achieve what you achieve you're a little weird but that allows you to do what you do and I was like that's cool and I think it's hard to understand the more unique you are the more that you try to do that people haven't done I think the more you'll be misunderstood until one day you do it it becomes normal and then you make it understood for everybody else you know dude that's so fascinating how you've thought of like the reality of oh yeah people are going to misunderstand me but then also projecting forward to what that ends up looking like down the road yeah that's so powerful okay so if you don't actually mind it taking me down so now you've been married to Alex for seven years or you've been together for seven years been together seven married six yeah amazing um how have you guys been able to navigate both of your careers both of your Evolutions both of your changes because a lot of my orders are changing right that's why they're watching this episode because they really want to change and sometimes it becomes very difficult when you're in a loving relationship to be able to do that in the way that feels right for you not what's right for your partner but what's right for you and still support your partner at the same time it's a tough one um I always go back to this one saying that I do think applies because there there are so many times I speak to women and they're telling me these things their Partners saying and I think to myself negative things you mean the game is won in the draft what does that mean marriage is one and who you pick I have a hard time with it because I think that there's a lot I think more people put more effort into their wedding than their marriage although people put more thought behind what's my wedding going to look like then what is my spouse going to be like you know like really I feel like we live in that era of vanity and so it's hard for me to give that kind of advice because if the fundamentals aren't there if you hire an employee and they are not on board with the mission and they don't share values with you all the rest it's not really gonna work because the fundamentals aren't aligned and so for me it's like if you don't pick somebody who can get on board with the mission that you have and can share the values at least or at least respect yours I feel like it is very hard to do everything else so for us when we first got married and we first even got into a relationship when we talked about what we wanted we said we want to be able to grow together that means grow individually but in the same overall direction because we have this Mission together so it's like I'm growing here he's growing here but we're like holding hands along the way does that make sense yeah and that's how I've always envisioned it where I think a lot of people don't have that discussion of like we both want to grow but we want to grow in the same direction so we still have you know shared values you know some shared interests we have a shared Mission and they they grow like this and like then you're too far apart and so that was a discussion that it was very relevant at the beginning of our marriage which was making sure that we engineered an environment where we can grow individually and together at the same time and I think that's why I you know it's not for everybody but like why I've loved owning and being business partners while in marriage because the thing we have together is the business we get to grow in that together learn how to make better decisions together learn how to lead people together better learn how to you know talk and communicate together better as business partners at the same time there's Alex as the founder of acquisition.com and Layla as the CEO of acquisition.com that are growing in their own individual paths right and then Layla as a person Alex has a person and so I think that for a lot of people it's really hard to help your partner grow in who they are if you don't have one thing you're growing together I've just observed it it's like when I see marriages where people are actually excited for their partner to grow they also have like one thing it could be a kid it could be the house project they're working on together it could be a [ __ ] dog they have like one thing that they work on together that they get to grow together because I think at some point it's like if you're not working on something together what's it's not really a marriage what is that yeah what's there and so of course that that husband doesn't want to support that wife she's just growing away from him you know so it's like does your growth benefit him in some way and I think that that's a weird question to ask but I think about that you know how is how I'm developing as a person going to benefit Alex and I really do think about that Mike how would this all benefit Alex things I'm doing for myself I'm like here's how it benefits him I can think of it and I know he's smart enough to identify those things and same with me and with him that's what I was gonna say I assume it's advice right and I think that the best is when the ways in which that you're each growing can then transfer into the one thing you work on together and so then you can really actualize the benefits of each other's individual growth because they're pouring it into one thing that you're also working on together um and how have you then been able to um balance or maybe you don't balance right the feminine the masculine in you yeah that's an interesting question I I have observed for myself one I don't think I think in feminine and masculine as much as I used to I think I've tried to like almost divorce myself from those terms when we say it we really mean like softer versus like hard and driven right and so I think that for myself being able to balance those two it hasn't been about balancing it's been about understanding what is beneficial for the environment am I at home alone with Alex after work it's been a long day okay well masculine powerful driven probably not going to be very receptive to that right now versus am I at work leading a meeting with 30 people on it like that's a time where I would like to call on some like driven ambitious masculine energy and so for me it's more about I think if we're moving too fast we conflate the two and so work comes home because it's like you're working all day and then you're like uh on the phone call on the way home from work and you get in and then you like forget that you're at home with your wife who like hasn't been at work with you all day and she's like really excited to see you and then you're like you like blurred all the stuff right and it's like that's when like I think friction occurs but I think um early on I got some advice which was like just give yourself like one minute to switch hats between things it's like okay and I think in the beginning when you're trying to balance the feminine masculine you're trying to basically it's like contextual right I think that within a given context either one is appropriate or either mix is appropriate it's when we carry it over to the next thing we're doing that it might not be appropriate I think that's where most people lack a skill is that they don't have the skill of identifying the environment saying this is what would be most conducive to this environment and let me switch that hat right now for me it used to take me a long time to switch hats and it would be like an hour right and then it was 30 minutes and then it was 20. now it's instant so now I can go run a meeting with 20 people on it and go immediately into a one-on-one where someone is like very upset and then go immediately into a conversation with Alex where we're talking about like the two of us in our relationship and that took five years of practicing putting on and off hats but I think in the beginning we're just learning what all that is especially if it's like say it's a new relationship or it's a new job or it's a new you know you get a promotion or it's like your husband has a new job or there's now a kid involved or like it's all that adds to the environment changes it enough that we have to learn I think once it cements we can change hats a lot faster but in the beginning I think it's normal to to not feel like you can balance those things because I don't know if it's balancing so much as it is not being able to switch quickly because I think that's where a lot of the friction comes when you're trying to do you feel super self-conscious when you go to the gym trying to work out in front of all of these strangers worrying if they're eyeing you guys I get it when I first started working out I had no freaking idea what I was doing if only today's sponsor future existed back then when I was just getting started I mean with future you literally have your own personal badass trainer right in your pocket cheering you on African kicking you apart when you need it Beauty pairs you with a real life personal trainer that will work with you to build a fitness plan that fits your freaking need and helps you achieve your goals not other people's so whether your goal is to feel confident in a sexy swimsuit or have more energy to be [ __ ] bad off then there's an expert future trainer who knows exactly how to help you get there and for a limited time I have a special offer if you go to use my link you'll get 50 off your first month with a future trainer so go to tryfuture.com Lisa to get started or click the link below in my description or scan the QR code right here guys give it a try and flex your confidence be with a spouse and say you're both very career driven and then you're like you bring a lot of that into the relationship it's like we just forgot to take off our hats that's all does that make sense yeah I love that I am I've never thought about it I've been more environmental that's super interesting for me it was always just like what I'm wearing really because like even the show I don't look like this on a normal day right like when I'm when I'm got a business meeting I'm not dressed to the nines and with all my jewelry and my makeup and my hair it's usually in a bun scruffy you know and I realized oh when I really dress up I feel powerful when I set up I feel powerful when I've got my hair done I feel powerful I've got my jewelry on like these are like my Wonder Woman cuffs like mentally that's how I feel and then I was like what would it be like if I did the opposite because I so much show up in my masculine most of the day um I found it hard to transition into my feminine again because I had swung that you mentioned earlier because I was I was a stay-at-home wife for eight years supporting my husband then when we started business I swung really hard into the other way and then it was like well how do I find a beautiful mix because I actually really love being soft I love being in my feminine and so so I was like I have to do something that's deliberate for me to be able to transition and so that was why I was like what if I did the opposite so my um getting soft is me taking my jewelry off putting like my Wonder Woman pajamas on my fluffy Wonder Woman pajamas you know taking my hair up I take my makeup off and that act of doing it almost becomes like a stepping stone one by one into going into my softness I see it as stimulus the environment that people there could be a stimulus your outfit could be a stimulus it's like that stimulus signals this yeah interesting that's a lot of stimulus idea um there was one that I've handled jealousy and the reason why I ask is because that's I think very Universal for a lot of us women to feel jealous or be triggered with jealousy if something happens to our spouse or our partner or a boyfriend that we're dating and just knowing you guys I mean you're just freaking on fryer fight getting more you know um uh followers and more famous if you will and I know that that comes with I'm sure a lot of um I'm just gonna assume for now yeah that a lot more women are going to hit on your husband if I can just be so blatant um it happened to my husband his quest was growing right the bigger the company gets the more successful the guy gets um the more women were just trying some stuff that's fun for them so um have you had any jealous moments and if so how do you handle them it happens to both of us um I don't I'll say two things we talk about how we handle those things um so first off if either of us we talk about this in the beginning of our marriage if anyone is trying to form a relationship with us or approach Us in that way and we start the moment that we realize it we're like we'll just ignore them we just cut off communication so you know he'd be like that happened has it happened a few times to him or like a you know woman maybe he's talking to him and then he's like hey I just want you know it started to feel weird so I've just cut off communication and I was like thank you for letting me know like cool and I'll tell him the same thing it's like hey you know this person was talking to me they said this one thing that felt really weird didn't feel right to me so I just ignored them since then and he's like cool thanks for letting me know so I think the first thing is that we've talked about it before you know it's not like an untalked about thing I also you know I'll say in terms of like me being jealous I think it probably happened more in the beginning of the relationship which I'm probably does for a lot of women especially if you're dating people um I would tell him if I felt that way which was really hard for me and so what I felt like I I would do in the very beginning is you know there were a few times where Alex and I were in situations where I found it was always interesting it was always older woman felt like they could hit on him in front of me I don't know why um and I realized that what would happen is I would feel jealous then I'd be mad about the fact that I felt jealous this is irrational this doesn't make sense imagine yourself yeah I've been myself argue with it and then I would kind of like go cold like I wouldn't want to talk I'm just like Ugh because I'm embarrassed but I felt that way and so I found for me I can at least control the embarrassed part I can't control if I feel jealous or envious or whatever but I can control feeling embarrassed by telling him most people would think actually that that's now you're embarrassing yourself more I have found relief in it because at least I'm being honest and then I feel like I if I'm honest with him that at least makes our marriage better so I'd be like you know when we were having that and she kept touching you and she kept doing this and like glad she felt jealous and like I'm a little embarrassed that I felt jealous but I did and then he's like oh my gosh I can't believe I know I felt weird about that too something something blah blah blah and then it feels like a conversation rather than like a secret that we have to keep to ourselves and that I found was very useful to me um in the in the times that I felt that way and I think that I seldom feel that way because Alex and I have talked about it enough that we have I think a great piece of advice that we were given early on is that when you're married it's very important the situations you put yourself in so I actually saw a video the other day of a guy who said like I don't go out past 1am because like what good is that going to do my life he's like what good [ __ ] happens past 1am for me and I actually was like I don't like follow follow this person but I agreed with that because Alex and I talk about that it's like am I you know going to put myself in a situation where say you know uh I'm I go to the bar with all these single girls who like love to be hit on by guys I also know married women who like to get hit on and flirt with guys you know and I maybe I can be friends with them but I'll only hang out with them with Alex there because I also don't want to put myself in a situation knowing that I'm going to have to one be like fighting guys off of me um two Alex is probably going to feel uncomfortable because he knows I'm having to do that and then three it's like is there a net benefit from this situation so Alex does the same thing he's like okay well am I going to put myself in a situation where I'm going to be constantly having to fight off girls who are you know trying to get me a cheat on layla it's like what is there going to be a net benefit to this situation or this environment that I'm putting myself in so we talk a lot about that too which is like you know making smart decisions in terms of like we only have so much time and resources in our lives do I ever want to put myself in a situation where I feel like I'm going to make my marriage harder not easier and the answer is usually no I don't want to do that what's the difference in between that or doing something because your your partner demands it is it that you were both under you both agreed on it because as I was hearing the story I think it's so freaking beautiful but there is that other world where the partners like don't go out and now you want to go out but it's so now you're listening to your partner and you're ignoring what you actually want and you're doing it for them and then you start to resent them and then it actually starts to be almost like controlling yeah um I will say that we've never spoken to each other that way so I I don't command him he doesn't command me right [Music] um we did agree on that in the beginning of like how do we handle these situations which I think is really important before you get married to talk about now if you go into a situation and your partner says like I don't want you to do that I would probably take a step back and say I really love and respect Alex why doesn't he want me to do that he's somebody who I admire he's somebody who I think is really smart he's someone who I respect and he's literally saying I don't want you to do that and then I'd be like am I thinking the situation through like am I being naive or ignorant to something that he sees and I don't I think that's the first thing I would do is like is there any part of what he's saying that is true there's there's times where like you know I think you see it's like maybe the partner sees something that you don't and so I think that's a good thing to look at now if you're saying no they're just completely being insecure in this situation then I think I would think to myself how can I you know say step forward in this situation but also not make it harder for my apartment than I have to maybe it's like okay he said he didn't want you to go out be like maybe I really want to go out but like what if I you know text you every hour and then the next time I go out I text you every two hours or it's like I text you when I leave I text you when I come home so you know I'm safe like whatever it is right now I think there's a difference because like you know there's definitely relationships that are like weird and like you know because like if Alex were leaving like that guy does not he's not gonna text her so it's like if he goes when he's with people like I'm like I hope you're alive you know what I mean um so I think it is all about expectations and like talking about that ahead of time um and I don't have we've never just been in a situation where we fundamentally disagreed on something like that so it's hard for me to recall oh I love that you've actually just established I think that's really where it starts from right were you established before you even really get deep into the relationship how like um Tom and I couldn't the rules of engagement right what are our Rules of Engagement in our marriage and do we agree to them and then making sure that you identify what those are ahead of time so that you both are working in accordance I think is super strong and then there was that other piece that you said of like it really does make a difference of how you see that person right you said I respect him I admire him I look up to him I you know want to listen to him and so I think all of those points are a great way of assessing whether it's like oh if you respect them if you really do cherish them and they you think that they respect you back then maybe there's something that you're not seeing I think it's when it's um they can be someone who can be either overbearing or toxic or just commanding and that that's where it becomes I think very detrimental to the relationship right if somebody we have a lot of influence over the people that were in relationships with and if somebody is using that to make your life worse [Music] I think that's different than you are making a decision that's maybe short-sighted and maybe they're looking at a long-term consequence of your decision and then maybe you step back and say like hey maybe I'm not looking at the long-term consequences of this decision versus somebody who's trying to control you and you're looking at it saying this is a good decision in the short and long term and they're telling me not to do it yeah I love that um being in the fitness industry I'm assuming you've obviously gone to these like Fitness events where a lot of women and guys and guys are just like shirtless their muscles are you know bulging out and then women are walking around in bikinis and when we first started questing it was like really growing I remember um being very jealous about the women that were trying to hit on my husband like initially and I immediately went to myself it's like why are you so insecure Lisa yeah like you trust your husband don't you and I was like the answer was yes right so okay I trust him I know that nothing's ever going to lead to this so why are you insecure when you see maybe a woman talking to your husband they're flirting you know you could even with the sound off right if you're from a distance you can tell when someone's flatting yeah so I and I went deep and that actually really helped me build my confidence because I realized that I was almost pointing at the girl and I think the reason was is I in my head right she's so beautiful she's so you know she's tanned and she's got like lovely boobs and you know all of this and like lovely muscles and here I am and just like Flats a hair now pretty much all day every day our Quest that's what I was building our shipping Department yeah so it's just in the hair net most of the time and you've got to like food grade you can't like wear makeup and there's certain things you can't do and so I just ended up realizing I started to feel shitty about myself and it was because I wasn't putting in the effort and that actually allowed me to look inwards and then build my confidence so that when it came to but literally now lady you could send me a photo and be like Lisa I just saw Tom walking down the street and look I took a photo and his arm is around another woman and if you send it to me I'll go oh maybe she was crying maybe like you know and that I would never go to oh he's cheating now look I want everyone at home to know I've never been cheated on so that is coming from a place of me being with my husband for 21 years and being able to say that I understand if you've got a past where you a guy has potentially cheated on you and so now that becomes a triggering thing but for me looking inwards when I felt jealous was actually the most beautiful thing I did I think that's a great piece as well I mean I've I've always thought to myself like if I am ever jealous of anyone like why do they have something that I want or that I don't think I have because I think that's really where it comes from right because if you were to see if the other girls wearing double hair nets you know you're not jealous and she's got like you know not even flat she's like indented you know you're not feeling jealous that Tom's talking to her that woman yeah yeah yeah it's so true but that's the thing is like it's in the comparison thing yeah right and so I actually think when I was younger and insecure I would look at things I either wanted and I would then it would make me feel bad about myself but now I really get inspired like I look at other amazing powerful women yourself right and I just get inspired by being around you I get inspired by being around other women to see what's possible instead of it being a reflection of what I'm not yes I think one thing too is like you know even like openly like if I see a very attractive woman I'm like wow she's beautiful and Alex's like oh yeah she's very beautiful and if I see a treasurement I'm like oh wow he's very good looking he's like yeah he's good looking and like we can talk you know what I mean it's like objective versus like I don't know like hiding like I don't expect that now that Alex has been that he's my husband that he doesn't think other women are attractive oh I'm complaining and then he won't look at and I I am with some but I'm with so many women that do think that like my husband can't look at other women he can't I don't want him to talk about how attractive and I feel like that is like it's just the opposite of reality you know what I mean like I look at other women to find the majority I'm staring at her ass you know I me first you know because I think I look at other women more than men you know what I mean and so I I also just think a lot of people argue with reality in that and then it creates more jealousy because he looked at her it's like of course she's beautiful you know like that's what she wants she wants to look at her and like you want people to look at you too and so I think it might be controversial though because many people have been burned right many people have been burned by the guy that ends up looking at the women and then sleeping with her so I completely understand that if you've got that experience I understand it I just don't want people to bring it to the new guy who doesn't know anything yeah you're right and I remember when I first went on a date with Tom on the first date he was just like of course you find Brad Pitt handsome he's like I find Brad Pitt I want his abs yeah why wouldn't you and it almost gave me them permission because before that I was in a toxic relationship with the guy literally would lose his [ __ ] lose his [ __ ] when the time I had said oh my God Brad Pitt's so handsome and I'm watching Fight Club and I'm just sitting with it and he'll imagine in a move you're watching a movie and they lose their [ __ ] so that was why it then I then retreated right because I learned bad's Behavior or I learned the behavior was don't say it another guy's attractive otherwise you're going to trigger him that was a learned behavior but then when I met Tom who was very secure yeah there was like of course so that then made gave me permission to actually be honest and then realize if there's 7.5 billion people in the world do you really think out of everybody he's only going to find me attractive exactly and here's the beauty that I find in this discussion is that if you think about it maybe there's a billion people he finds attractive but we're together he chose me now of course it goes both ways I there's that many people and I chose him yeah but that's the beauty that's the beauty in the relationship if even though you find other people attractive you still choose to be with this person right and that's just so much more than that yeah yeah and everything we're talking about with confidence and resilience and just like how to hold your own and stand on your own um you've told me in the past that you've got backlash about your plastic surgery so how have you if you don't mind yeah um how have you dealt with that how have you dealt with that is being confident and not taking it to heart or yeah really showing up you did a whole video about it yeah I I thought a lot about it because basically you know I had scheduled getting a nose job like four and a half years ago and then covet hit and it was in New York City and it was like you know everything shut down so I postponed it and then I was like okay I'm gonna do it at some point I like call them I'm like can I still have that I've paid for part of it right and so it's like I still have they're like yeah you know whenever you want to come in I kept putting it off and then we started acquisition.com I decided I want to make content and then I it was like two things happening separately which is like me not realizing oh I'm making content now this is like a whole different thing and then me being like yeah yeah let's schedule that nose job I wanted and I scheduled it and then I'm like I remember like afterwards thinking oh [ __ ] what's it gonna be like to like make content after this because like I also have fake boobs and like nobody knew me when I got those done right so it's like doesn't make a difference like nobody knew right it's the chance it didn't happen right right and so this time around I I thought to myself I was like okay at first I was just like nervous I'm like oh my God I feel like I'm just gonna get such [ __ ] on um I was like what would a woman that I would feel is worthy of being respected and worthy of having the attention of these people do it's like I look at it like I'm earning people's attention every time I make content and they don't have to give me their attention I don't deserve it I'm earning it by putting out valuable things like I I do something I say something that has a value for people and so I was like how could I turn this into something that's valuable for other people and I was like the only way that is valuable for other people is if I talk about it I know people who have done things and not talked about it and I think a lot of like celebrities for example like they don't and it just kind of like shows up right and you're like um is anyone gonna say anything and you know I thought about that as an alter like I really did I was like I just don't want to have to talk about because I talk about business for the most part I don't even talk about appearance but like I actually then think it's been like this really great opportunity because one I decided I want to talk about it because I don't want other women to feel shame if they want to do that do I say I'm an advocate of plastic surgery no I'm an advocate of like do whatever the [ __ ] you want to do and so if you want to get plastic surgery I don't want you to feel bad about it because I am not into shaming people on any decision they want to make right like if you're not hurting somebody what do I care and so I was like I think that's what I need to do is to just be open about it be honest talk about what I did um I think that's the only way that I can turn this into a net positive for myself and so that's what I did is I basically like when I got the surgery done I took pictures I took pictures every day um and I ended up also getting a brow lift so I went in for a nose job and the guy was like it would look really good if you did brows and I was like I was nervous I almost said no because I don't want to get more done that people are going to see but I was like I want to do it so I was like I'm gonna do it like yeah throw it in you know because that's just kind of how I am I don't care I was like if it looks good it looks good um it's been really interesting because I have actually gotten so much more support from women than I expected because I've been honest about it and because I haven't tried to hide it and I haven't tried to make it a secret um and actually most of the people who have said anything negative have been men which I found odd but I I have actually found so much freedom in doing it because I think it also I think that when I make content like I talk so much about business that I actually have primarily like more than half my audiences meant and I think that I realized like I don't talk about any of the other stuff that is like who I am you know like I don't talk about like Fitness or my marriage or my like only if asked will I talk about those things right like this is not even the type of podcast I'm usually on I'm usually on like all business like I I was like here's my topics you're like I don't really know someone will supply I'm like okay um and I think that if I want to have more of an impact on people they need to know who I am 360 not just through business and I think this opened up that lens for me of seeing that and seeing an unexpected positive response to me being honest about it was actually very encouraging of course there's people who say a very mean things I was like oh my God that was awful like but more than not people have been very supportive and I really just think it's because I'm being honest like the one commitment that I've made making content is like my only goal is that I am who I am no matter what that means like if people don't like that I'm still gonna say it because it's who I am and at the end of the day I think that that's the only way I can one continue to make content because if I feel like me Layla on content is not who Layla is I just feel like I just like I hate that you know and I think in the beginning I was so nervous I was like every time I watched I was like because it didn't feel like me but now I think it's like if I'm sharing who I am and what's my truth even if people don't like it even if it's not their their Vibe as long as it's me being truthful that's all that matters to me I just want to be honest and transparent in a world where I feel like everyone is trying to not be you know I'm like show me without makeup show me two weeks after surgery when I look like [ __ ] like I literally like watching the video I was like I look so bad in some of these shots like so bad you know and even some of them when they're they're capturing there's so many things I see that I don't like and I just like I literally just like I'm like I know this is good like I close my eyes on like put it out because like it will help people and I want I know if I do it enough times if I take the action enough times I eventually will feel good about it that's so strong because there's so many moments in that story that you you could have just said no because of the Judgment that you would get you would have gotten um and it's so relatable not even just with plastic surgery I've never had any but the relatability of not doing something you really want to do because you're so fearful of the Judgment that may come with it I think every female can freaking relate to that and so having a North star of as long as I'm honest as long as were you reminding yourself why you were doing it like this is for me yeah what's up I just kept thinking to myself if I don't figure out how to make content and be completely transparent with the world about who I am I just won't keep making content because I don't if the representation of Layla on the internet is not who Layla really is then I don't feel like I'm accomplishing my goal because I actually think that how I came off even the first like year and a half in content is way worse than what I'm like in real life like people who know me well tell me that we were at dinner the other day and my teammate was like he's like when I watched her content I thought you were just a [ __ ] and I was like oh and he's like and you're like so nice and funny and empathetic and I'm like oh my God so I have just made it my goal like if if everyone who watches my content can see me the way that everyone who knows me sees me like I just want to bridge that Gap yeah that's so important you even said like this isn't your usual interview because we haven't really spoken about business and I was really debating now here's the thing you're so freaking good at business and I love talking about business right like 85 of my life is actually revolved around business how do I grow the YouTube channel what's the algorithm saying what's the team are they happy where's the management like all of this stuff but every time I always come back to the reason why part of the reason why I think you're so freaking successful and how you were able to go from where we even started right where you overweight drugs alcohol arrested to be the person you are today I really think it's because of what you've done to your mindset I think if you don't believe in yourself if you don't have the confidence if you don't have resilience if you don't know how to set boundaries you're not going to be able to survive in business yeah and so that was why I think it's so important to really like I want to like extract everything that Layla was behind the scenes so that if someone looks it's like I want to be successful I'm not even successful I want to make a change in my life yeah and that what does that mean to them they they have the tools in order to do it and whether that's business or not you can then show up with the tools that you need to keep moving forward you're right I mean it's true like our first business grew so quickly and you know people always like what's the secret to success but it's like don't look at what the person is doing today look at what they did years ago you know to build the to build who they are to actualize the success and I think that that's I say it all the time it's like losing the weight and getting out of that point my life was probably the hardest thing that I did the second hardest thing was starting the company but it was easier because I'd already done the first thing honestly homie I so freaking enjoyed this conversation um I've really given everyone the tactics and tools that you've used in order for you to be able to change your life and show up today like a freaking badass so where people can people follow you and everything that you're doing um go to uh my podcast is build on iTunes Spotify all the platforms uh YouTube Layla hermosi Instagram Layla hormozzi Twitter threads it's just all at Layla for Mosey everywhere just my name yeah type it in keep watching to learn how to never ever get pushed around again you are such a freaking badass honestly I surround myself with a lot of amazing women I'm very fortunate like that but you every time I think about a woman who can stand up for themselves a woman that doesn't give excuses a woman that doesn't allow someone to push them around you're like at the top of that list and what I would love is to actually start with the story where Snoop Dogg totally disrespects you and ignores you it wasn't just me so I want to give him I have to like just set the tone it was it was a room uh full of a lot of Hollywood type people it was one of his first meetings at the company I was working at at the time where he'd just become a client and he was testing everybody and that's really what it was and he walks into this big like old kind of Bankers type conference room with the big you know Brown everything and he had on a purple fur coat I'll never forget this and he sits at the head of the table and turns his back to everybody and that intimidated a lot of folks in the room then instead I'm just like looking at my watch I was like all right if this is how this is gonna go and then it was my turn so like the end NFL slash Yonkers in me kicked in and I just like banged on the table and I was like Hey I was like over here I'm like you're busy but so are we and if you don't want to hear what we have to say then that's cool like let's go on with our day and it was like a movie scene like from The Godfather where the chair slowly turns and he was almost like who's speaking to me like that and he looked at me and I looked at him and we've been together ever since a little more I went into it but it was just one of those I think defining moments for me for him and I think it was like two days later a call went into my boss at the time and they were like we want the girl from the NFL running the team and I was like wait a minute I am not a manager and this is not what you hired me to do and they said you are now so you're on the road go meet him in Reno Nevada in two days you're picking him up and you're taking him to New York to go start uh press for it was either Starsky and Hutch or Soul Plane that's how long ago this was and I never forget he did the Chappelle show and I just remember sitting there in awe of both of them just knowing I'm watching greatness and here we are almost 20 years later embarrassed to say and he and I are producing a movie called The Underdogs for MGM and Amazon and we're taking off for Atlanta to go knock out a two-month shoot and it's my first feature film so off I go okay there's so much hit because right now I don't know how away you are that moment potentially being a huge pivot and it becomes these moments in so many of our lives where in this moment of potential like you even said intimidation it's freaking Snoop Dogg right so in these moments there are these moments where you can choose a path and one is allowing your emotion to take over oh my God he's so intimidating I better stay quiet that's how I will be accepted here is like sink into the background don't wrestle any feathers you know be in the shadows and then I can keep hopefully working and then there's other moments like you where you're like no I won't be intimidated I won't allow this to affect how I show up and who I show up to be and you learn into that and as a result to your point of what an amazing story that 20 years later you're now producing just incredible stuff with him but that moment that moment of deciding I will not be intimidated I won't let somebody and you even said the whole room he wasn't just like that to you it was to the whole room now other people don't have that story now where they get to work with Snoop Dogg they have the story about how once they were in a room with Snoop Dogg and he turned his back on them but you have the story of he turned his back on me and I didn't let that stop me talk to me about that thing that superpower of yours because if we can help people at home who are listening right now to cultivate that mindset and that belief in themselves homie think about the knock-on effect we can have with other incredible women it's so true and you know I hear it more and more from a lot of young women but also just a lot of my peers in their 40s and 50s that are like you have to keep speaking out and telling the truth because it's a movement and I think you remember this like you were probably the first podcast that ever came on so thank you for that because you got me out of my comfort zone so I might sit here and you know be badass and and tough but we still share the same insecurities we still all share the same you know dilemmas and so I always like to just make sure that it's not a general kind of just decision to make because you have to know the room but so much of it is instinctual and so much of it is I just don't give a [ __ ] anymore like honestly like I've been in the background far too long which is my own fault and I'm going to say fault um I blame myself because there was no one holding me back except myself and that's something that I think young women today probably don't have the same fears we do because of your book because of your podcast like everything you're doing for young women and if I can just help change the path of a couple you know women here and there then I feel like being here with you today it's done Justice for myself and and for those that come behind us and those that walk beside us and I think that's an important note that we all have to address but I'd love to sit here and tell you well you know I've I've taken these classes and I've done these studies a lot of it is just self-help and work and meditation and working with whether it's your energy healer or psychiatrist or psychologist or your Shaman like whatever it is that's going to help you get outside of your comfort zone or maybe it's just your girlfriends or maybe it's a great business partner in Michael Strahan and Deion Sanders my husband Mike Marini like it's okay to lean on men I think sometimes you know feminists or you know whatever you want to call women that are standing up for themselves we think we can't lean on men and that's not true like you have the right Partners both personally and professionally they will lift you up without it seeming like it's their Duty or their job it's because you've earned that place and sometimes we all just need that little extra kick in the ass to get in front of where we need to be so first of all you said um you realized it was you doing it that is actually really beautiful because it's such like literally juxtaposition where you're like yeah I did stand up for myself to Snoop Dogg I told him to pay attention like I'm not here to waste my time being that person and yet years later you sit with me and you're nervous you're you know it's you said getting out of my comfort zone so I think that is beautiful but yeah it's also confusing right to say okay you have if I'm going to be just so crude you've got the balls to stand up for yourself here and yet getting out of your comfort zone still makes you nervous oh yeah so how do you process getting out your comfort zone to go after that thing when it still makes you nervous because that's that's the key that people are listening to it's like well if she can do I can do it too but how oh gosh I wish I could say there's this great formula it's not I have a strong team around me and I think that's key is surround yourself with people who support you who will lift you when you need to be lifted but also you're you know there's a saying I've heard I'm going to back that up it's called we lift as we climb now if you think about that if you're climbing and you're not taking people with you what what's that Journey worth it's not but at the same time I might be lifting I need those people to help climb with me can't do it by yourself and for those that I think do it by themselves it's a lonely climb so surround yourself and I'll give you like a real example I just got more active on my social media because it'd be like all right let me post here or there everyone loves my 96 year old mother that's easy and fun and my dog or my husband and my friends but I very rarely would post about myself and so Scott schmertz who heads up social media at smack he said it's time and I was like what do you mean it's time he's like we've got to start getting you going and you're so great at it you oh thank you I'm seeing you and like you've been a big inspiration for us both and that's what it is it's like I just have to go for it and you know what if somebody unfollows me because they don't like what I'm saying I care like I'm not making money off this I'm not doing it to try to go get a brand or make money I'm doing it truly because I want to not just help others but also help our business and help everybody that works at our business so you just have to think about how you can help others by getting out of your comfort zone and that I think will lead you there because when it's just about yourself I'm speaking for me let me just be clear I'm not knocking the people they're doing it for themselves but for me and what you do like we're doing this to help others like and that's what gets me through it and will I watch this podcast somebody's going to make me from my team I know it but otherwise I normally won't watch what I do I can't read my interviews like I get very uncomfortable just doing it but everyone's like but you're whether it's what we're doing with Coach Prime in Jackson State and the whole HBCU movement or again it's my 28 year old Corral who's running the Strahan business at 28. I didn't have someone when I was 28 doing that for me so I feel very strong that I need to do this for her to help her so when she's my age hopefully she's running the business and has a whole team of young women that she's trained that she found when they were College interns like I found her people right now oh my God she's so badass you're so confident and yet even as you're talking it's like you have this confidence error about you and that at the same time you'll be open about where you're not confident and to have that Duality is very difficult where you can give yourself Grace in moments of you even said right like I don't know if I can watch my myself and it's like to be the woman that can stand up for yourself and you know hold your own around very very powerful men um it's like oh my God you're such a badass and yet oh my God you're not confident here it seems like a duality but I think that that special source is what makes you you and I think you've called it like the confidence roller coaster that you're always on talk to me about that confidence roller coaster because I think it's so beautiful to talk about because people at home it's I think it's um enlightening to know hey look you don't always have to play at that a game you don't always have to feel the confidence to keep showing up right I watched um a TED Talk probably I don't even know when it came out 11 12 years ago brene Brown and it was about vulnerability and a friend of mine sent that to me and it resonated so deep and so hard and that was a defining moment in my life that I realized I don't have to act tough all the time and that vulnerability could be one of your superpowers it's okay and I never have a problem saying I need help never a problem saying I don't know let me find out and I'll get back to you and those are two very basic traits that if more and more people would just do that and say that it's I think we'd waste so much like less time in a meeting in a project or whatever just it's okay to say you don't know like I'm really good at what I know but I'm even better at what I don't know and I surround myself with great lawyers and publicists and agents and analytical experts and you know fashion people or whoever it is it's okay to say you don't know and it's okay to be vulnerable how on Earth are you able to show up like that and have such conviction in the uncertainty I don't know any other way it's how I grew up I am my mom was an older mom which I didn't know any difference back then but she later told me a story that when I was born she was 43 when I was born and this is 1969. so the nurse was signing I having her sign my birth certificate and when she gave her age they said what they said no no we're going to knock 10 years off your age because we don't want your daughter to be known as the kid with the older mother how crazy is that is that crazy and I and she's still alive and she's healthy and she's my role model and she's 96 now and my parents were together but my dad suffered from mental illness so I grew up in uncertainty I didn't know who was coming home right like there were some days that he'd be on the high and he would just disappear because of the drugs and whatever else he was doing and then he'd show up on our doorstep in tears a puddle and the depression would hit and he'd be on the bed for a month and wouldn't go to work and I'd you know Mommy what's wrong with Daddy and she'd cover for him and then when I hit high school and it escalated there was no more covering and the uncertainty like just it was how I grew up and I didn't know any better and what I did learn from a great my mom had the smarts to send me to a psychologist back then at 14.

1:54:19and he said to me do you hate your father and in that moment I said yes and he said and that's okay he said and don't let anyone ever tell you different and it was then I realized you have a choice to be not a Survivor but a thriver or you can be a victim and I could have done gone down either path and just followed his footsteps and just drugs and been you know I don't want to say loser per se but a loser in the terms of like not striving to just stand on my own and have this Independence and I said I'm never going to depend on anybody like that was just the decision I made which might have gone a little too far as my husband will tell you because it's really hard for me to like not always be so independent I didn't get married till I was 46 because of that Independence but it's what suited me so the uncertainty is just all I know and I think that for me is something I work on now that my husband and my clients and friends all say it's okay to let go it's okay to sleep it's okay to breathe it's okay to lean on us and that's something that I every day have to work on wow how on Earth do you do that especially if you've built up your Independence um I a thousand percent agree that in these moments people have that decision of you either repeat the habit of your childhood or you um pivot in the opposite direction you say this isn't going to be my life so building your independent um is beautiful I see you as a badass freaking independent woman and at the same time you sit here and say it's okay to ask for help it's okay to lean on men it doesn't mean that you're weak how are you able to hold those two competing ideas in your head because dude I'm so with you a thousand percent that if we can really figure out how you can navigate the two I think so many people will benefit from being able to be like oh it can be a badass I can be independent and yet when I need the help the right thing to do is to lean on the people around me and that doesn't make me weak you have to lose your ego that's the very first thing how the hell do you lose your ego I for me it was whether it was you know the the boyfriend breakups where you have to one of my best best guy friends Todd chamaria uh I'll never forget this there was a heartbreak that I went through and he said you don't care that this guy broke up with you it's your ego and I was like damn like and I had to think about that and I was like he's right like that was the wrong guy for me but it was because he broke up with me and it was in that moment I was like going forward is this real or is it about my ego so it's just a life experience and you need that friend that's gonna just remind you of that and I've used that with other friends where I say this isn't about you it's about your ego now the work ego that one especially when you have the celebrity partner that I have and this isn't him at all but it's a show we're producing comes out Michael Strahan's Mac entertainment is producing and for years I just roll my eyes and let it go because it's like it's not about me it's about the business is about the show it's about the company but then we hired a PR firm and they're like no no this is your company these are your ideas yes he's the celebrity and yes he's the click bait but Michael's also the first one to always pull me into the picture close enough because he knows if he doesn't have his arm around me they're going to cut me out so it's it's a great team member in that sense but I had to come to terms with not making the most powerful women in sports lists not making this list in The Hollywood Reporter not doing that and just say it's not about the work I'm doing that's my ego it's not easy I'm not going to sit here and pretend it didn't hurt for a long time but is our company grew and our businesses were taking off and our shows are getting nominated and we're doing more in the documentary space and we've got non-scripted you know occupallow shows coming out and working on this first feature film I'm good I don't care about your [ __ ] lists anymore like don't call me for them now because I'm so good but what I am doing is I'm getting my younger team on those lists that's what I asked our PR firm because no one was looking out for me in that sense so now I want the 30 under 30s the 40 under 40s I want them on those lists so keep me off put the team on is that then a a um just a thinking about what am I focusing on is more is my ego more important than my gold is that what you're saying because I think that is so powerful and I think that in framing it like that I do that a lot as well because I have the ego as well so like even doing this show I'm like I don't want to get in front of the camera and it's like why do you want to get in front of me oh because what if I mess up it's like oh but Lisa if your goal is impacting people and you're not getting in front of the camera because you're worried about what if you mess up what if people tease you you are putting your ego first right and I I think that there can be so much Beauty and just being honest because here's the thing if you chose to put your ego first it's your life like it's got nothing to do with me if that's the thing that you say I'd rather feel better about myself in the small town you know In This Moment than to think about impact or whatever that goal is at least you're making the decision for yourself and now you're not waking up every day and saying well I wish I had this over here no no you wake up every day saying I chose to put my ego above my goal right and I believe you feel the same way the only person you should be competing against is the person you're looking at in the mirror every day and that's it and we're human I'm not going to sit here and be like huh I never worry about the ego damn straight but it's now become a more conscious I think Journey for me to say let me separate this so I can focus on the task at hand and what's the most important that's so amazing have you read the book uh Rocket Fuel I haven't read that one yet so to your point like I I used to really struggle with the ego um when we first started impact Theory I was so proud of Tom being in front of the camera when I was helping behind the scenes and then it ended up being over time right like Tom's amazing and it wasn't that I needed my name like specifically but the recognition that there is a foundation that he couldn't do what he did unless I showed up to do what I did and it was really hard like the whole ego thing um even though it was because I was even more torn because I'm like it's my husband to do well like I'm so happy that people are giving him the accolades but that little ego sting was still there and I read the book Rocket Fuel and what it does is it breaks up look you've got the rocket the Big Shiny thing that everyone stares at right my my husband right like it's it's Larger than Life then you have the fuel that if the fuel isn't there the rocket doesn't do anything the rocket doesn't move the rocket doesn't progress the rocket just stays there so the fuel to the rocket is actually even more important or just as important but no one cares about the damn fuel right so I realized I was the fuel my husband was the big rocket and actually I need to find Value in knowing how valuable the dam fuel is not have other people tell me how important the fuel is but me know how important the fuel is um I want to go something that you said earlier again about like you chose not to be the victim that is so powerful and yet it's so hard to do because sometimes when some things happen to you you have every right to you have every right to say this really sucks why me this shouldn't be the way life is and yet I've heard you say so many times there is no room for shouldn't or it's not fair or if no no it's when it's how I show up is that a stacking Stone mentality that you've done over the years and then if so how do you start to keep or how do you keep building on it so that it doesn't fracture when someone comes to try and like break it people try to break it daily I mean let's be honest it's I I said to her Strahan or coach Prime you know Aaron Andrews any of our you know clients and Friends I just want to wake up one day and not fight every day there's a fight whether it's a fight to get a return call a fight to get a show on the air a fight to get the announcement of the show that took us a year and a half to sell a fight to get this product in the stores a fight to say why can't we get this category like whatever it is it's always a fight and I don't when I say fight because I know everybody takes things so literal I don't mean we're mfing people and we're yelling this it's just it's a constant battle to move the ball forward and I believe that when you hit a certain level of whether it's your career or just how you operate how you vibrate that's what it's going to be because the minute I become complacent I think you don't care anymore so that's probably where I'm not going to be the victim comes into play it's because I hold myself to that higher standard which then energetically attracts the same like-minded people I'd like to think that everybody at smack and that's attached to us you know peripherally all vibrate at that same level that we're all trying to move the ball forward and it's the outside factors that are trying to kind of intercept the ball not to get too football term here but that's what I know and it's a struggle to just sometimes breathe and say it's not personal and I think that's a big part of it we always say show business isn't called family business it's called show business it's a business and you have to take that step backwards and just remember this isn't personal and just recalibrate and you're going to get knocked down a couple steps but then tomorrow when I get up I'm going to go that extra step to make sure that we're moving forward and that also takes you into that you know realm of when is it okay to let something go like there's a show we've been developing that after the fourth iteration I just looked at the team and I said I think the universe is trying to tell us it's okay to let this one go and it doesn't mean we did anything wrong just means this wasn't the right one and let's put our energy in something that we know we really can focus on and when how do you do that though in those moments of like because I the last word I would ever relate to you is quitting and at the same time you have to let go right you have to kind of move on and so many people hold on to that means I'm a quitter how do you make sure that you don't because you're obviously talking about like the ego and stuff there is a bit of that that I can imagine that Stephenson's like oh God is this just like is this because we haven't pushed enough is that because we haven't like given this enough time and attention um how do you know when to make that pivot and not take it on as a reflection of who you are I don't look at it as quitting I look at it as letting go I think that's a really important definition to just understand that if it was after the first try it's a quit but if we've gone back and gone back to the drawing board and said all right let's shift this to try this you know let's shift to try that and we keep sitting down and keep trying and keep trying it's not quitting it's knowing it's the wrong time it's the wrong project it's the wrong idea maybe we pick it back up in a year we're doing that right now there's a project we took out before the pandemic and it was passed on but someone called me and said hey did it I'm like I called I was like find this treatment and like they dug it up I said let's freshen it up we're taking it back out because I let go at that time but I still believe in that and I'm taking it back out a lot of it is instinctual your gut knowing the marketplace at the time and look we're in an unchartered territory we've come out of a global pandemic there's war going on overseas which is impacting so much of this happening here there's inventory issues no matter what business you're in it impacts everything you're doing personally professionally so those are factors you have to take in and then make your decision so I don't look at it as a as quitting it's just truly analyzing everything and saying let's take our energy and our efforts and put it over here because we know that's that that one needs more attention than this right now uh The Song Remains but how do you make sure that it's not about you like and the reason why I ask that is I find it difficult myself sometimes is not taking things personally that's the thing that you were saying right like you don't take things personally and in these moments I'm always kind of thinking is this because I'm not good enough or is it because the project isn't good enough like because separating those can be a difference between knocking your self-esteem and stopping ever progressing or going oh okay I can learn from this and now I'm going to move on I am great at the business I'm great at representing our clients I'm great at representing the projects I suck at standing up for myself so maybe that's a little bit where the work that I have to do a lot more of when I'm in my zone for the business for a contract for a show no self-doubt there I just know it's not the right project or we've tried or this or that but if I have to stand up for myself it's everyone around me that has to come to me and say you've got a you've got it so we've got to keep breaking this down girl because this is here's the thing I'm sitting here so wide eye because I can't believe you said that and at the same time so many people are like that so many women are like that I I wish I had this style in hand I'm just I've got a bad memory but it was something like most women are 80 more likely to fight for somebody else that they know than they are to fight for themselves you have to wonder if that's part of our hormone makeup or you know genetic makeup and how we were raised hmm it just I'm an older person you know I'm young here and here but the bones are in their 50s and I spend so much time talking to the 20 and 30 somethings they don't be me in that area beaming everywhere else but don't subscribe to not feeling good enough not feeling like you belong at that table and it was not probably until my 40s late 40s even where I was like you know what there's no seed at that table for me well [ __ ] you I'm building my own table how did you get to that point then because if we can ideally identify hopefully people because I'm the same girl it took me to like my late 30s 40s to adopt this idea and this feeling and just saying well [ __ ] it then um if we can like bottle it up and give it to the 20 year olds like it would just save them so much time how did what do you think happened between the person that was like looking for the sea and now the person's like I'm gonna [ __ ] bring my own seat to the table and not wait to be invited because there were years I didn't have the seat and I just got sick of it and then an opportunity you know would present itself or I'd be in a meeting whether it was Michael or Dion or Snoop that they're looking at them and they're talking to them and the guys know full well it's my you know brain it's my project it's it's my this for them but they're the ones just and to their credit they would always kick it over to me and I was just mad and angry and then at that moment would come where you know whoever it was would say well Constance and at that point I'm like I'm sorry did you say something because he's just like and I stopped taking those meetings and it was a process it just took time and again it took the guys around me which is what I go back to earlier it's okay you know to lean and they lean on me why can't I lean on them because it's always helping all of us together that it was just opportunity or just incident after incident that I had enough I just had enough and that was really it and also I do have to really I know my husband doesn't think I I see it I have to shout him out because he supports me so much and really has just been there and and he and you know Mike I mean he's a very masculine man very successful in his own right who had this whole big life before me in a different way and then coming into my life he likes to say he's never thought he'd be so emasculated that his wife would have a bigger penis than him but with that said we both support each other and it was new for me to have this man constantly Lifting me up picking me up off the floor because there were things that had happened whether it was a lawsuit that just took everything out of me emotionally and took a lot of my confidence out of me that he'd come home and I'd literally be laying on the floor crying and he'd come home she's like you got this you got this and it was those moments that I learned I could trust somebody and I'm not saying everybody needs a man I don't want people to walk away like this is the finale of Sex in the City like I don't need a man I don't need a partner that's not what I'm saying it was just for me at that right time the right guy came along and he taught me to trust and that was really really important for me I really want to draw deep hip because there's Nuance to everything you just said being a badass being a woman who can be independent hold to own in business meetings not feel like now she has to um you know cow tell to other people like being able to lean on me but when it comes to relationships it really is a different ball game because the heart is involved did you and Mike ever have an issue in regards to what an alpha you are how did you navigate that because a lot of people would be intimidated by it or feel like they have to dull their Alpha to make their partner feel more valid let's say he knew what he was getting I mean that's just the bottom line we were lucky uh we were introduced by mutual friends so we'd known of each other for years he was very aware of my career and everything going on when we first started dating I just started smack so it wasn't easy for him or or for me I guess in that sense to get with somebody in your later years who's really starting over because it started the company from the kitchen table and you're just grinding and grinding and hustling there was always just an ease with us when we met which was different than every other guy I dated because they'd all act like oh it's so cool you know you manage new but you're so cool you work with coach or Dion or any of these Tony Gonzalez like all these Hall of Famers but then once the time came that your dinner and 11 o'clock your phone's ringing I'm like I have to take it now I'm also not full of [ __ ] like everything's great marriage is hard any relationship's hard and it is especially hard when you have two successful career people and mine is a different world than the tech space or the finance space like Hollywood Sports it is it is different it is and we're not done at 6 PM right like the phone's ringing all night it's gone you know so I have to learn boundaries I have to find the time to say okay we're gonna go to a dinner tonight and leave the phone in the purse I don't do a good job of it he says he goes we go to bed at night I kiss the iPhone good night I wake up I kiss the iPhone good morning I've tried to get better it's again a very hard work in progress for us both but I never have to worry about any competition between the two of us it's just knowing the Ebbs and flows and respecting one another and the boundaries and also as as an only child I like my alone time I didn't have siblings I had to share a room with or you know talk to all the time so that's another piece of it is on top of being a crazy workaholic I do like to settle into my alone time so it's it's a it's a constant work in progress thank you for being that honest and do you ever take that like you have to ever navigate your personality when you're around when you go from business to personal and what I mean by that is for me when I'm in business mode you're dealing with a lot of problems you said it earlier it's like oh my God like [ __ ] hits the fan every two seconds every which way you look um and so when that happens to me I have to toughen up I have to I um I don't want to say I dull my emotions but I put my emotions aside so that I can try and be clear-headed with business decisions the problem is when I then go from like grind don't take no share Lisa have your own back you've got this like you know you know that the intense meetings that you end up getting it and then you go home and then I'm with my husband and he wants to be all soft and I'm just a ball and not I've had the discussion with Tom where he's been like you're bringing your hardness into our relationship and now it's becoming a problem in our relationship have you ever had that how do you navigate that I was gonna ask you for tips how do you do it I don't I still don't know it's it's as long as you're honest about it you vocalize it I think that's all you can that's all you can do it's see the issue address it and work on it nobody's perfect and I think anyone that pretends it's all perfect they're full of [ __ ] right it's work but it's work that I can't imagine living my life without him so it's worth it and for us the pandemic actually brought us closer because we both traveled so much that on March 12th you know 2020 we hunkered down in our house out here and for those two years you know you were together and it was just sort of like there were moments right but it was time that we never had together ever ever in our relationship so is awful as the pandemic was that's something I'm forever going to be thankful for playing rummikube playing backgammon walks when we were allowed to be outside just those things really brought us closer together and really strengthened our relationship yeah God in those moments when you get tested that's what makes you stronger and with the the male the male feminine however you want to like word it with Tom and I we were very honest with each other and so Tom because I started as a housewife with him wow he said that he missed the softness that of the wife he first married and because I went into entrepreneurship and I had to develop grit because as we're building quests I was surrounded by 40 employees and let's say 70 80 of them were ex-convicts because we were the companies like we don't care you know wait what your background she's a beautiful thing who do you show up to be are you willing to work hard and if so we'll give you a chance and so here I am in situations where I have to toughen the [ __ ] up like it I have the choice let them push you around not that they deliberately agree to but either let them do it or you toughen the [ __ ] up and so over time I started to get harder just my personality got harder and I wasn't taking any [ __ ] and I was standing up for myself and I wasn't allowing people to push me around and I brought that home and as I I didn't realize and as I was bringing it home more and more the thing about me and Tom is we're always very honest with each other that's the promise we have right like say the damn hard thing but be honest and that was the hard thing where he's like look I know you're finding yourself you're finding your strength you're finding your Independence you're fighting like seeing this is what he was saying to me seeing you stand up for yourself and feel like this badass independent woman he's like is beautiful and at the same time you're bringing so much of this hardness home I miss the cuddly warm you know partner and so I had to really assess that and I had to come up with tools and tactics for me to be able to shift so to be able to go from how do I show up be a badass rock it like constant and then how do I unwind and be a softy and when I say softy I love to feel like that as well it's not like doing it for the other person and it all became like my arm and my clothes I realized so taking my jewelry off taking off my high heels putting on my pajamas I would wipe my makeup off tying my hair back I realized was a transition for me from work to then going and hugging Tom but I had to go through this transition before then I could talk to him and have that like softness um and so these are the things that I'm so fascinated in talking to especially women like yourself who has a thriving relationship but is very open about these are the difficulties of having both yeah it's funny you said that about the transition when you come home because I do that but I never realized subconsciously that's probably the same thing the minute I come home I say hi and I go upstairs and I put my sweats on and let's obviously we're going out but if I'm home for the night it's like sweats let's go walk the dog on the beach like let's just try to have a moment put the phone down you know those kind of things get through a meal without being on the phone and just focus you know how was your day like what's going on and and it's also different because you know we didn't have kids together he has kids but those are all things that you just really have to be aware of and discuss and be open to like we have this beautiful blended family you know he's got two kids and then we have two bonus kids who are our niece and nephew who lost their parents that there are kids now Tori's actually getting married which we're so excited about in the next few weeks and it's a beautiful thing that it's people always say is it so hard that you didn't have kids and I look at them and I say I have kids I might not have given birth to them but I have these kids I have my Smack kids I have the kids that worked with me whether it was at the NFL whether it was at the firm that are now all going on and doing their own thing that I look at them and I'm so proud of them and I know it's a reflection of what I helped build a foundation for and that all goes into this because there's enough room for all of them but at the end of the day you've got to make room for your partner and you have to make room for yourself what do they tell you on the airplane in case of an emergency put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then the other person and we always forget that and it's such a simple concept that put the oxygen mask on how are you so over that's beautiful how are you so open to invite and change your life as you got older because this is one thing that I hear a lot from my audience is you know the one thing I'm it's just a big fan of is like guys don't settle like you are freaking amazing person and um don't settle for anything less than the what you deserve and that what someone's going to bring to the table as additive to you um and so I'm really fascinated of these like battles women like yourself where it's like what did you um meet Mike and decide to have a full-time like a marriage later on in life because you chose not to set talk like what was that thing that you had later in life and um how are you comfortable enough to let someone in as you start to get as we get older we get a little more dogmatic in how we think how we show up who we want to be so how are you able to actually let somebody in um and not make a mistake or maybe you did make a mistake earlier in life with being with the wrong partner oh gosh I made tons of mistakes are you kidding it was like the old kiss the frogs to find the prince I kissed a lot about frogs it was hey I didn't want to settle and B I was okay being by myself that was always what it you've always been okay with being by yourself always does that stem from being an only child I think it stemmed from I mean trauma's the first word that comes to mind but it's not a word I like to use I think it's the trauma of the way everything went down with my parents and just you know with my dad just being so manic just didn't know what was going to go on that I was like I'd rather be alone than ever be in a situation like this and I fell into some bad relationships unavailable people and all the things and then I just loved my career you know it's one of the things it's not work if you love it and that doesn't mean didn't come without struggles of course I don't ever think like oh you had this like easy breezy no no no no no no no I don't want that the message being taken away but at the core of it I always loved what I was doing overall yeah there's day-to-day [ __ ] so I was able to throw myself into it and in my early 30s when I moved to LA I was traveling the world whether it was with Enrique Iglesias you know Kelly Clarkson and then Snoop I mean I saw the world with him and I'm so thankful to him for that to have gone to Russia which I know I will never go to again to see Australia New Zealand and Africa and all these places while he was touring and giving his gift to the world that I loved it I was immersed in it yes I dated here and there but a they weren't the right person I knew it might have been fun at the time but there was too much just like while I was building the business side of it then when I got with Mike I didn't think about who texted who who's calling who you when people would tell me when you know you now and you roll your eyes you really know it just was easy and was that a big part of it because he kind of accept like he accepted who you were yes yes because it was it we laugh about it we had this you know Whirlwind romance we were long distance but is the relationship started getting more and more serious the people in my life were like wait a minute you have a serious boyfriend what's going on here and it was all right let's go out with Michael let's go out with Tony and Toby let's go out with Dion and Tracy and then it was Snoop and Shantae and I know it sounds like oh well you're just dropping famous people and I don't mean to do that these are core people in my world that were very very protective of me because they were my friends before they were my clients so that's why those are the names I'm choosing yes there's all my college girlfriends and that crew of course like your ride or die but from the Friendship business side of it Michael's like I don't really give a [ __ ] who they are or what they do if these are your friends these are your friends and that for me was like he's the one oh my that's so beautiful so many people that I know as they get older they become more dogmatic about this is my life and you know it becomes harder for them to choose a partner because they're so picky and then also the worry that you've built yourself up to be who you are today right like when you're working on yourself and you're really working on your confidence and you're working on your career and you're working on not being a victim and you really do try and show up every day there really does become that fair of like is this person going to um take me backwards am I going to accidentally give over to um to them into this relationship and then lose myself and so when I think about you and I think about your career and I think about your relationship and how beautiful you haven't lost yourself and that's something that like is so powerful um and very scary for a lot of women and I know that so many people worry about that they don't get into a relationship because they're worried that they're going to revert back to either who they were when they were younger or that the guy is going to impact how they see themselves and their confidence that they've built I had those relationships and I realized this is not the right person so it took a lot of trial and error to get here and there's something to be said I'm not the same person that I was at 40 at 30 25. a lot of my friends married their college sweethearts and that is a testament to them I cannot even imagine being with that same person because I grew so differently so the fact you can find somebody and grow together it's it's so beautiful and even though I got with Mike later in life we're not the same couple we were when we started dating we're better and that's what every relationship should be whether you're a guy guy girl girl are they them like you want to be with the right person that you can grow together not a part so true um I'm going to take us back to something you said earlier and this is a bit of a touchy subject that may rattle our audience up I'm actually not sure it's not a subject I've really spoken about yet okay um so we talk about showing up working freaking hard um the the motto of your company is hustle like you're broke hustle like you're broke and I don't know if you've had the recent um somewhat controversy around the phrase quietly quitting have you heard of this phrase I literally saw it on I think it was the shade room the other day and here we go again I'm probably gonna rattle some cages I don't understand this generation with the big resignation or whatever it was called and now this this quiet quitting what does everyone think is going to happen if we all decide not to work that that's just what I don't understand I grew up I started working at my mom's flower shop when I was in junior high school maybe even younger than that I can't remember cutting Thorns off roses think about that that's like so symbolic right no I said that like I wanted to be there but I had to be there yeah you were taught a work ethic like my grandfather on my mom's side came over on a boat from Greece through Ellis Island my mom lived in the depression my dad worked at the transit authority you know 7 A.M to 3 P.M was a a Korean War veteran and struggled with with so much of that but what they instilled In Me Is as did my whole family you work and you give back and whether it's to an organization that you have a connection to or whether you know from my some of my family it was the Greek Church you work and you give back and you're contributing member to society so I don't understand this generation that thinks that they're just going to sit home and not do anything or phone it in at a job that somebody owns whether it's a huge conglomerate or whether it's smack entertainment we've worked for everything we have and we're doing our best to offer a place for you to contribute and work and we're very open and we listen and we when we can we will concede for example when everybody was coming back to the office is that was very important for us because we are a creative collaborative company working on a zoom doesn't work for us and I said I I can respect your feelings if you feel you need to go find another job where you can work from home I will help you but if you're going to work here it is in these offices we are together but the compromise because Michael and I take pride in in listening and trying to work together is we let everybody work from home on Fridays is that something he and I want to be doing no but given the way the world is shifted we're trying our best to compromise and get the most out of everybody but this quietly quitting where you're phoning it in I don't understand it I just don't yeah look at me I'm like digging in no I don't get it go I want you so here's the thing so in case people are listening they're not actually quite sure what quietly quitting is there isn't like one succinct definition um but I pulled a company just to kind of explain it to the audience um quietly quitting is about rejecting the notion that work has to take over one's life and that employees should go above and beyond what their job description entails according to Metro this can take many forms including turned down projects based on interest Refuge intric like no I'm not interested in that sorry if you don't want to do it um refusing to answer work messages outside of work hours or simply feeling less mentally and emotionally invested in the role so it is the antithesis to what I was brought up to do being Greek Orthodox like yourself having a father that came from nothing a tiny village in the mountains of Cyprus where his toilet was a hole in the floor that is my father that is literally the Next Generation so growing up my dad always taught me and he went from that to move to England taught himself and ended up running one of the largest oil tanking shipping companies yes and so yeah and so he literally said to me growing up every day do not expect anything to be given to you if you want anything you have to be willing to work harder period if you don't work hard you don't deserve it and so having that idea having that mentality I've worked very hard in my life now look at the same time I recognize where working hard can event it can be detrimental to your um your health right so where is that fine line and I feel like we're on this pendulum where we went really hard one way and now we've swung so hard and the other way that it is not only detrimental to how people show up but I really do worry as women where we feel so damn hard to get equality to be seen in the same light of like what do I bring to the table and now maybe we're encouraging them to like put your foot off the pedal like to to just not do much to expect things and I'm really freaking worried about it and I was like conscious we've got to talk about it homie because like I'm really worried about where this leads to people's mental state of what they think um how they can show up and how to be battles like if you just expect to be a cough without putting in the work I contribute a lot of this to everybody wins a participation trophy I I I it's you when I played Sports as a kid you win or you lose the Winner's got a trophy and the losers okay next year but this generation I see friends kids or the grandkids whatever everybody got a trophy why why how does that prepare you for life and I wonder just one thing that you brought up I don't want anybody working themselves to get sick so that's not what we're talking about but we've created an environment whether it's at our office or you know people that we work with or the Partnerships we have where I like to think you're offered the benefits or the salary or just the learning and the culture that you want to exceed and you want to be a part of it but if I ever said to a boss that project doesn't interest me bye there's no such thing so I'm trying hard to be understanding but at the same time there's a business to run and without the business running the money doesn't come in and if the money doesn't come in not only can we not pay people but we can't give them raises or bonuses so I just don't know where this disconnect is that people don't understand that if you don't show up and show out what do you think is going to happen seriously like what do you think is going to happen I talk about it all the time Erin Andrews is a client a partner and most importantly a friend we started whereby Aaron Andrews together which is the jacket that I'm wearing literally you took this off your back and gave it to me before we got onto it it matches your outfit so much better but we are a startup and we are tiny but we're Mighty and we grind and we hustle and we just announced that we have our women's sports line announced with major league baseball this Summer that doesn't come to us no one's calling us saying hey hear the leak no we have to fight for it and Aaron might be on camera but off camera she's a badass she is showing up at these NFL stadiums with bags of clothes and she sees fans in the stands that they're screaming for her and she's handing product out she's doing whatever it takes as is everyone on our team to build this tiny female owned business that yes there are people that are giving us an opportunity like Michael Rubin at Fanatics the sports leagues are they give us the opportunity that's it it was up to us to show out if we all were quietly quitting this business would have been extinct already it had been done and we're only three years old and in the middle of the pandemic and dealing with inventory issues all the things but whether it's the generations or our parents how we were raised everyone on this team busts their ass every day the weekends because don't forget Sports is 24 7. seven seven days a week everyone's showing up maybe it's because the culture we have I'm not sure but we all believe so much in what we're building and what we're doing that it's not a job it's truly a passion and there's other people that actually said to me the gift that you're giving I was like what do you mean the gift like you've answered something for women women don't want to wear a big oversized Jersey or be bedazzled I shouldn't say what all women there's a market for that and there's already a huge um like supply of that but for women like us for example I wanted to support my team but I didn't want it like I wanted to wear something I could wear out to dinner to the bar but also show up at the games at so that's a gift that we feel we're giving to women and it doesn't just happen every day whether it's our partners at five star designing new lines on the weekends this that making sure there's something that's out there it's a team effort but the reward is in seeing someone like you rocking that because you you just liked it and wanted it and it makes me so happy and I can't wait for Aaron and the team to see this and know like you're our target audience and you got it and it worked so don't quietly quit find the right job that you don't want to quietly quit maybe that's what it is I don't know but you've got to be a contributing member to society or I don't know what that becomes I didn't major in anthropology or sociology but I'm sure the studies um this are going to just be mind-blowing good so the reason why this is so important and you just literally laid it out I live in a world that is not in the world that I wish it was so I wish as women we could show up do the same amount of work as a man and it'd be taken as equal and the truth is it's not often like that and I actually have a quote of yours I'd love to read um the main challenge was um what a lot of young women still face guys getting brought in above me because they have connections that happened three times instead of quitting or giving up I work 10 times harder it put the battery in my back so if now you have to show up to work 10 times harder and now the message out there is quietly queer go I'm [ __ ] petrified petrified petrified it's not going to work it's going to backfire and the ramifications will come years and years in a generation from now because I don't want any man or woman but especially a woman to lean into this and then two years from now [ __ ] because that's what's going to happen no thank you yes so true wake up figure out what if if you're not happy there there's so many opportunities there's so many new Industries and so many people willing to help and lend a hand reach out ask find it take it get the help when you need it it's not what we're saying but did you sit home and watch bad TV get your ass out there and find something you love to do and do it yeah I love it and then also just The Power of Words Right like there's a reason I lean into the word battles on purpose in saying it out loud I feel like a badass insane outline I feel like I'm like yeah yeah right so like I find that world very powerful and so I use it in every which way where I want to either motivate someone else or vote motivate myself now think about what the word quit is doing or even quietly it's not right like you you're a freaking Force are we so like you come into a room people know Constance is there because you're a force there's nothing I think this is a compliment there's nothing quiet about you um and so I really do worry about the word choir that we're encouraging women and I'm just going to like focus on women for now because that's kind of where my I just in life that's where I focus on but like that we're encouraging women to be quiet again instead of standing up for themselves and then also we're encouraging women to quit when sadly Rhino it's actually it's hard to get noticed even when you're working 10 times as much all of what you just said they need to read your book radical confidence seriously but that's what it's about is radical confidence find it and again I'm not saying it's easy out there especially for a struggling single mother we're not sitting here with our pink pillows and acting like go figure it out sweetheart as I drink with Martini no like you and I started started at the bottom now we're here and we're still fighting and still doing something every day but you can't just you cannot I can't stress it enough and I also truly believe as miserable as a job may be try not to quit until you find your next job you're way more valuable when you have a job than when you just decide to leave and it takes you six eight ten months to find the new job the world is back we can't use this pandemic as an excuse anymore business is operating We Are The World is open again figure out what it is that you want to do and there are job counselors there's job fairs there are places to go you just need to find somebody that'll just take your ear and and listen at least once a week you could ask my team this week I think it was twice but I try to do something with somebody you know either in high school college early 20s to just give some guidance whether it helps or not I have no idea but if someone asks I'm going to do it same thing should go for any woman any man but any woman that wants to reach out to the field that they're trying to get into you know I was doing a lot with an organization called MVP emerging veterans and players and there's one woman I don't want to say who she is but you know she asked if I would Mentor her and it was my honor to do that so find a mentor people want to help it's it's instinctive to us especially as a nurturing woman we want to help so find that Mentor in the field and see what they can do it doesn't mean they can give you a job but at least they can put you on a path to get there oh my that's so amazing I love that you do that and um as always I know you so well that I so admire the woman you are you're bad also does anyone find you intimidating I try not to be intimidating because I don't think I am so it's hard to try not to be when you already don't think you are that probably makes no sense no it makes no it actually makes perfect and that's why I asked it because you don't feel like you're being intimidating and there's that there's this really weird fine line that I'm kind of obsessed with to talk to women about between the fine line between confidence and people like oh my gosh she's so confident I want to be like her and then arrogance where it's like oh look at her she thinks she knows everything and it so damn fine that it can be very detrimental I think to the person so for me as I was building my radical confidence I was like I'm freaking petrified all the time I'm insecure all the time so building my radical God was very hard for me so then I get more and more confident I adopt more and more of the behavior the mindset the the tips and the tricks that I know how to show up and so I become really proud of the woman that I'm becoming and as I'm becoming more and more of this Confident Woman people are now perceiving it or I've been told as arrogant or intimidation and I'm like it's actually really difficult for me because I don't want to be intimidated intimidating but this is very bothersome to me because I can say the exact same thing in the same exact same tone that my husband can say it and they will look at him going oh my God what an alpha and they'll look at me going what a [ __ ] um yeah yeah I live it every day how do you swallow it and keep going it's probably a lot of my neck and back pain from swallowing so much it happens it happens all the time I think it's getting better let me start by saying that I do believe it's getting better because of the work you're doing the book you wrote your podcast me coming out of my comfort zone and a whole bunch of other women that we respect and admire podcasts we listen to because the 20-something-year-olds are hearing that message and finding their way at 25 versus 35 or 45. yeah so I'd like to think that our discomfort is helping navigate the younger generation but how do we then Help the People closer in age to us because it's never too late that that's a message always want someone to get across at 53 I had no idea this is 53 when I was 23 53 to me man oh you're about to retire geriatric like act yeah I'm just getting started like I'm just getting started so I do now make a conscious decision in every meeting in every conversation that and it's always a guy who's like okay you're being emotional not to either choke him out if we're in a room together or reach through the zoom or the phone and choke him out because I know I'm not being emotional and that's his problem not mine can I do that every time no I'm working on it I've gotten much better about it and realizing this isn't my issue it's their issue and if they want to perceive me that way then perceive me that way the second time they say it I then tell them if they want to see dramatic or emotional I will bring it because I know the difference [Music] and that's when they usually kind of catch themselves that's a trick that I started doing that's so powerful and you've used that because you realized it bothered you you felt like minimized marginalized whatever the right word is pissed off is my [ __ ] term it's their way of trying to silence you right and obviously then when you feel silenced like you almost like at least for me I kind of process it because I'm like I really want to defend myself now but then even in defending myself they'll be like oh seriously I told you she was emotional and you're like bring the next it's it's ridiculous so I love having a strategy like that because in those moments I need something to go back to so I don't bring my I don't get overly emotional like I need a like a little trigger like a trigger yeah like a line like okay when when he triggers this or maybe even she when they trigger this repeat this line right um because I think that using that is a real cop-out like oh you're just being sensitive like it is a cop-out for someone to throw at you but yet sometimes what I'll do if if I get that I try not to be so dogmatic and I go oh are you sensitively so like I'll always just ask myself because the ego can also step in don't you [ __ ] tell me that I'm too sensitive right and so now you're like well who do I want to be I want to be the person that always learns and grows and can I be too sensitive sometimes a thousand percent so acknowledge in these moments but then also to your point of like what is their intention their intention right now isn't to actually help me and be like look you're a little sensitive right now their intention is to shut me up their intention is to marginalize me minimize who you know what I've just said um and yeah it could be it's women too I mean it really bums me out the more and more women that you meet that aren't leaning in to try to help and feel the need to put you down to lift themselves up that's got to stop why do you think that is insecurity and I just learned with them they're not people I want in my circle anyway yeah dude you are a freaking fire I could talk to you forever where can people find you where can people find this new clothing line that guys check this bad boy out I'm gonna do a little later I'll do a little spin for you people so that we have this one in all 32 NFL teams and it will be available on fnatics and NFL shop and we also have our NBA line our NCAA line and we just now launched Major League Baseball click here right now to learn how to gain respect speak up set boundaries and hold your ground but what's our choice what is the other what is the other choice to actually hold up if I was to say if I was to sit across from you and say I've never done that in my life that's a lie we always do we sometimes fear gets the best …