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0:00I would love to start with a psychology assignment you had at 19 years old when you had to pick someone who had a psychological disorder and tell the story of how they went down that path. Will you tell that story please? >> Yeah, sure. So, um I like many young men had lots of angst and felt like the world was not fair and that I had not gotten what I quote deserved. um and that I thought that my parents could have done a quote better job of parenting me in general and I resented them for that. Um and so I had an intro to psychology course and the assignment was as you said pick somebody who had any pathology that we had cut you know studied over the whole semester and then write the story from their perspective of how that pathology might have developed. Right. And um what happened through the course of going through that assignment was not what I expected. Uh because as I went through and I picked my mother and she's you know she's been public about you know suffering from you know depression and ADD and things like that. um that I picked that um and in kind of inhabiting her shoes as an immigrant who came here not speaking the language and having, you know, a Serbian father who was very authoritative, rightfully so. We're talking 1950s, you know what I mean?

1:30Just different different times. um and what her upbringing must have been like and having a split life between being an American at school and you know getting beat up for not being able to speak because back then it was almost uh expected [laughter] and and normalized to beat up the foreigners um to to you know then being the the first person to you know first female class at at Hopkins um to be in that uh as a doctor and so thinking about that trajectory I all of a sudden like realized the amount of pressures that she had put on externally that other people had put on her externally throughout her whole life and what happened was I felt like I understood and uh bla1 Pascal who's you know Pascal's triangle some people remember him uh he was a mathematician and also a theologian um he had this quote that I love which is to understand is to forgive and I I believe that You cannot both hate someone and understand them at the same time.

2:36And so like if I am very angry with someone, it I it's become a check for me where I'm like, "Oh, I must not understand something." Like there's something about them or something about their experience that has made me not understand why they do what they do. And then you have the secondary statement of most people, if you were born with the same genetics and live the same life as that person, you would see the world the same way as they do. And so carried within that is this very jarring idea that what if our viewpoint of the world is something that someone else hates entirely and in their mind we are wrong and but in their mind like hard to even really get into that and like empathize with someone else's point of view to that degree. Um but me going through that process has actually been one that I've repeated multiple times in my life when I was extremely angry with someone and it's usually around loyalty or betrayals or things like that that happen to all humans. Um, but when I started writing narratives around how someone experienced life that would make it reasonable that they would act or behave or believe what they believe, all of a sudden I felt like I understood. And so in a matter of a few weeks, what felt like a decade of hate and anger directed towards my mother, I went back from school to complete the story. And I remember she picked a fight about something. I can't remember what it was.

3:55and she, you know, we had you have your normal routine of getting into a fight with someone, right? And I just remember having no like emotional I had no adrenaline spike and I just felt very like it felt like she had hit a button, but the button wasn't hitting the normal trigger path that it was supposed to. And so I just remember looking at her and being like, I understand and I'm sorry.

4:19And she of course, you know, burst out into tears and it was, you know, you know, a huge emotional moment, but like at the end of the day, it was like, I I get it. Like you went through a lot and I'm sorry that you've had to deal with these demons. And it wasn't about me. And I think it's a lot of us, we have these like self-centered viewpoint because like we are the center of our own universes and therefore expect that everything that has ever happened is because of us, right? When we're children, we just expect, yeah, our parents got divorced, it must be my fault because like you think that way. It's like at a base level. And so realizing that it wasn't my fault necessarily that she felt that way. Um, and I guess in some way giving her permission to just be who she was and not constantly tell her why she shouldn't be this way or why basically her basic existence was insulting to me.

5:05um unpacking that um made for a less contentious relationship because then the triggers were somewhat removed because if you understand why someone doesn't speak English and they keep looking at you and making noises at you, it's hard to get upset because you know they don't speak the language. And so even you can just replace like speaking English with speaking Alex >> and it works the same way. It's so that's that's how that little intro to psychology assignment both changed my life with my mother but then also helped me unpack anger driven situations that I had with other close people throughout the rest of my life. It's really interesting that your normal reaction to her wasn't the same and thus her reaction was different to you breaking down because it almost reminds me of how Leila, your wife, sometimes acts when you get angry, she meets it with love and then you're like, "Oh, I see what this is." which is very fascinating to speak to human beings in our nature of when we meet fear with love in some respect like the fear dissipates. So cool to like make that realization.

6:17>> I think it's just very hard to step out of the emotion in the moment. Yeah. >> And sidestep it and try and get outside or above whatever analogy you want to try and say like okay what do I not understand? And then it becomes a question to solve rather than a person to attack. >> Real quick, I'm going to show you the exact 10-stage road map from zero to 100 million plus that less than 1% of companies finish. I've now done multiple times. And so I can say with a lot of confidence that these are the stages as headcount increases that you need to get through. And I broke each of these down by eight different functions of the business. What the constraint feels like, like what are the symptoms of it when you're going through it. And then what steps we actually took to graduate.

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